This has not been a very productive weekend.

And I started off with such great hopes. I had three days off in a row and I planned to use that time to get caughtt up on homework and really get out ahead of life for a change.

But that ain’t gonna happen. I kept trying to get started but things kept getting in the way, and the sad truth is that because of my depression, it doesn’t take too many stumbles over hurdles before I lose my motivation entirely, and then nothing gets done at all.

And that’s the story of this weekend. I was planning to get this major project started for my Story Editing class. But after a) finding out it was due this Wednesday then b) finding out which handout it was on, I had to then c) get the script I am supposed to be analyzing, and I have not managed to do that yet. All I know is that it is supposed to be in my email from about a month ago, but I have checked both my school and my personal email, and nada.

So I can’t’get started there until I sort that whole mess out.

Then I figured I would do the reading and generating notes for my next TV Pilot 2 class. But the scripts in question will not be due till tomorrow at 1, and when I checked last night, none of them had been posted yet.

And so now I don’t know what I am doing. If I was a more healthy and driven person, I would be able to simply steamroller over this kind of obstacle and keep going till I got some things done. Things that could make me feel proud and accomplished. Thing that would drain  my excess mental energy and give me some mental space to put myself together and maybe even feel good for a while.

It’s funny how perverse depression is. Having too much energy without the ability to find a strong enough outlet for it can end up looking and feeling a lot like having none at all. That’s because when that energy builds up and can’t be released, it causes mental pain, and pain without apparent cause or hope of solution is the exact recipe for despair.

So you stop trying to express it and find ways to deal with the pain instead. It doesn’t take long before you have forgotten what the original point of the game was and all you remember is the pain that feels like it’s been there forever.

This leads to the truly paradoxical phenomenon of lapsing into a low energy output mode because things which require more energy than the very minimum make the energy want to come out, and because the system is blocked, as far as you can tell that can only cause pain. Might even awaken all those latent emotions and make them want to express themselves, and we can’t have that. So we hide, and suppress.

Running out of insulin has not helped things. My blood sugar has to be through the roof by now, and that always sucks. Not only is it terrible for my long term health, it leaves me feeling very ill and icky and gross and faintly nauseated.

And that, of course, makes me depressed.

So I am not feeling very good about myself right now. I know I will get over it, but at the moment I loathe myself for being so lazy and useless for getting so little done.

And that’s not the kind of person I want to be. I want to get my shit together and pour my energies into the world and hence buy myself some peace of mind and pride of accomplishment and productivity. I want to be able to live life instead of merely surviving it. I want to be healthy and strong.

I really thought I had a tube of insulin left. Otherwise I would have picked up more on Thursday. I mean, I walk right past my pharmacy every time I come home from school. It is no big deal at all to just go in and pick up some more.

But no, I was convinced I had one more tube, then when I went to get said tube last night, I learned of my error. And the thing is, I had already eaten a few naughty things that day. I had actually been planning on taking double the usual dose. Instead…. nothing.

So until I pick up more tomorrow after class, I have to go around feeling crappy with maple syrup for blood and sweat that makes me feel like I have been lightly glazed, like a honey dipped donut. It’s very gross and highly dispiriting.I feel icky all over.

Oh well, I will concentrate on this icky feeling the next time I feel like eating the bad things. It’s just not worth it, especially when I have not had much physical energy to charge my metabolism and make it better able to handle that kind of thing.

God damn diabetes sucks. I had no idea how good I had it when I could eat what I liked without any serious consequences. There was a time I could eat a whole box of cookies if I felt like it and the worst possible consequence was a sugar crash.

But now I am paying the price. That’s the name of the game when you are a fat person. Eventually, as you get older and your metabolism slows down, being fat comes with more and more consequences.

That’s why so many of us don’t make it to 50.

Myself, I hope I get to the point where I have the money for a gym membership and the means to get to it and back without it being a huge hassle. It might seem crazy to need a drive to the gym – why not just walk there as part of your workout – but the truth is that I would need to get there by car, at least at first, otherwise I would not have enough motivation left to actually go in and work out by the time I got there.

Hopefully, that would change once I had worked out enough to be healthier.

But until I have the $ and free time for that, I will just keep hanging on.

That’s one thing I know I am good at.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.