Midnight, in this case, being like the Death card in a pack of Tarot cards : not literal physical death but merely big change in your life, the kind that changes who you are and thus is easily mistaken by your current identity for a more corporeal death.

It’s the Death that means Transformation, and hopefully, Transcendence.

I have written about a need for transformation in this space before. I have a very strong feeling that what I need is some kind of transformative event, good or bad (but hopefully good), that pushes me to a high mental state while burning up a lot of the old garbage that is piling up inside my mind.

I can’t do it myself. That much is clear. At the very least I can’t do it consciously. My instincts towards maintaining equilibrium are too swift and too strong. That stems from dealing with my own deep mental instability for so long.

Hence my ability to just keep going in life. I never totally fall apart. I never have any sort of crisis. I never wind up in the wacky ward because I simply could not cope.

Nope, I just keep plodding along at a subsistence level.

I don’t know what it will be life when I enter the world of working for a living. I will have to find a way to cope somehow. School isn’t easy but it’s only 15-20 hours a week. The real world is a 9 to 5 proposition and I have never had to keep my poop in a group for that long since I left high school.

But then again, if I am working in my field (please please please), I will presumably be having at least a little fun. I am pretty sure that I could handle being in the writer’s room gor a TV show. All you are expected to contribute at first is ideas, and I have tons of those.

And I don’t fear pressure. In fact, I am kind of looking forward to it, because it will keep me from getting bored. I could use a strong motivation to stay focused and together, and of course, whatever burns off my excess of mental energy is good for my mood.

And ya know, there’s always cocaine. Ha ha ha.

Still, I have felt so low and nonfunctional lately that it has me worried. I am clearly running a fairly nasty deficit when it comes to energy gained versus energy generated (or accessed). Some vital form of momentum has been lost and I don’t know how to get it back. I feel so cold and dead inside, and so very very tired that I feel like I could sleep for a year and still be good for a nap.

In fact, that sounds pretty good to me right now. Wake me up when Trump is impeached.

More seriously, though, I wonder what I can do to boost input enough to match output.

Certainly, I could stop eating the bad stuff. That’s probably a big contributor to feeling ill. But when I go a while without having something naughty and sugary, I get this empty and slightly crazed feeling. I suppose that’s simply my endocrine system trying to make me eat the bad thing rather than crack open the fat reserves for energy.

Well fuck THAT. Learn to make better use of the healthy carbs, dammit.

The bigger problem is the lack of reward stimulus. That’s a hard thing to replace. Then ature of our minds is that we hone in on sources of reward stimulus and then fixate upon them. In other words, we do what we find rewarding and we do it in the way that generates the maximum amount of reward, over and over again.

And when reward level drops, cravings kick in. That’s as true for playing World of Warcraft as it is for crack or heroin. The mind has fixated upon an experience which satisfies this need for reward stimulus and refuses to believe that anything else could even come close to providing the same level of reward stimulus.

That’s how fixation works. It doesn’t merely focus on its target, it excludes everything else. And it’s not just the obvious addictions. It works that way with sexual fixation as well,  as well as those fixations we refer to as “tastes”.

And of course, exercise would probably make me feel better. Especially exercise that doesn’t come with foot pain.

I need to go see my GP some time soon. Maybe I will ask about orthopedic shoes when I am there. It must be possible for someone as fat as me to walk without pain. To experience the unbelievable luxury of arch support  for more than a day without having to go through a pack of Doctor Scholl’s a week.

I can’t afford that. It would be lovely to start every day by putting a brand new, ultra tough set of insoles into my shoes so that I might actually walk without pain.

Maybe even for the entire day!

But that would run me at least $30/week which I can ill afford. Someday, perhaps, when I finally get to enjoy the miracle known as “employment”, I will be able to do it.

And if I am really lucky, I will some day be able to afford custom shoes built for my heavy self which will provide a comfortable fit for years to come.

I would be willing to pay quite a lot for that.

Of course, a home gym would help too. That’s another materialistic dream of mine. My own Universal style gym so I can lift weights to my heart’s content, as well as a few good machines for cardio, like an exercise bike or a rowing machine or one of those ski things.

Actually, maybe not the ski thing, Those frighten me.

Oh, and maybe some free weights as well, for small muscle exercises and your more casual, “working a muscle while watching TV” type workouts.

Honestly, my main worry would be making sure I don’t overdo it.

But all of this must wait. I have one more term of VFS to go and then I will launch myself into the world with a degree from a highly respected school and a brightly burning desire to make it into the TV industry any way I can.

Even if I have to sweep the goddamned floors.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.