I was feeling pretty overwhelmed earlier today.

The proximate cause was Career Launch class. I’ve been super eager for this class because this is where we learn the biz. I am quite eager to launch my career, of course, and I am so damned ready to learn the necessary lore and get out there and start kicking ass in the world of entertainment.

At least, that was the idea going in. But there was so much information coming at me so fast that it overwhelmed my defenses and I found myself feeling like I was never going to get a job, that all my writing was crap and not nearly good enough to send to anyone, that I was going to be undone by all my forgetfulness and laziness, and that I was basically going to go right back to being completely useless, only with enormous debt.

This is partly due to the teacher’s personal style. She is very sweet but she crackles with energy and it gives her this intensity that kind of frightens me. Having her teaching me feels like I am just barely keeping up and that if I fall behind, there will be no slowing down for me. The group will just go on without me, not even missing me.

That, of course, has a heck of a lot more to do with me and my issues than her. But being around her stresses me out. I feel like I am being rushed into things before I am ready and that gives me anxiety and stress.

And it’s not the sort of thing I can talk to her about. What would I say? You scare me, please slow down? I don’t want that. And I really do not want to be the dumb guy that slows down the whole class.

That would make me want to crawl into a hole and die.

So I guess I am going to have to keep struggling to keep up. And learn to take notes. Maybe even (gasp!) get some looseleaf for my binder like a real student.

I have been so damned lazy about that. All the other students diligently taking notes while I sit there doing nothing but listen. And then I have the nerve to ask people for help when I forget something I should have written down.

I can be such a jerk, and I don’t even know it.

One of the things that crossed my mind when I was feeling overwhelmed was that I have more or less been coasting through VFS. It’s still not that hard for me. I mean sure, some of the work has been difficult for me, but I still don’t feel like a lot is being demanded of me.

I don’t feel like I am being truly challenged.

And I am passing my course, so from a narrow view, I should be happy. But I have never been in it just for the piece of paper. I want to be a good enough writer to get work. And right now, I have no idea where I stand relative to that goal.

That one of my problems with VFS. I have no real idea how I am doing. Everything is so relative and I rarely even get graded on my assignments, especially if I submitted them online in one form or another.

Am I doing well? Am I just barely scraping by? Am I dangling by a thread? Am I good enough to get work writing TV? Is there, realistically, any chance that a 43 year old guy can get work in the writer’s room of a TV show? Am I too old and slow now?

Was this whole thing a waste of time?

Well, no. It can’t be. Because I have definitely become a much better writer by being there. It may be that when I graduate, I am simply going to have to accept that the only way for me to get a job is to invent one for myself.

Do some kind of web show out of my bedroom. Maybe make hilariously crude puppets and do a terrible (in a funny way) web show. Or try to master standup and do that online. Or maybe start my own political commentary show like the Young Turks.

I definitely have a lot to say about politics, and to say I have a unique point of view is a vast understatement. I think I could add valuable ingredients to public debate. And I think I have the power of personality to pull it off.

But it always comes back to the same thing : how to get anyone to watch.

We talked about agents today in class. I won’t get one of those any time soon, of course. Not until I have some decent accomplishments, like contest wins or a very cool short video or something like that.

I can go back to being a one man media empire again, I suppose. I would have to take it a lot more seriously and improve my overall quality of output, though, and that means putting a lot more work into stuff.

In the past, I have been limited by depression’s heavy toll on my energy reserves, and the related need to do things in one sitting. That meant that there was only so long I could spend on, say, one of my videos, and I think the work suffered from that.

If I go into production for myself, I will definitely need to make a clean break from being Fruvous. Don’t panic, I will always be that silly ol fox, but I think I will need to create a professional version of me that is separate and distances from all my half assed work.

And only attached to the good stuff.

Plus I will have to get used to the idea of taking my writing and editing it to within an inch of its life so that it is good enough to show to potential employers.

Time for me to grow up a little.

At least until I get an agent.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.