Today, what I knew was going to happen happened. My sentimentality mode kicked in, and I realized just how much I am going to miss the school, the teachers,. but most of all, my fellow students.

And while I never did manage to join their social group (unless Facebook counts… and it doesn’t), I still feel close to these bright and talented people. We have been through a lot together and I love and respect all my classmates, and I will proud to cross the finish line with them a week from tomorrow.

This always happens with me. It happened at the end of high school, it happened when I was leaving Kwantlen, and it is going to happen in staggering amounts for VFS because I know these people. I’ve read their work and made suggestions. They’ve read my work and made suggestions. We have praised and criticized one another. We have laughed together. We’ve lunched together. I feel like I know my classmates like I know my family.

And a week from tomorrow, our little family will go our separate ways. And that fills me with a deep sadness that I, quite honestly, treasure.

Why? Because it’s the closest I get to feeling connected to people. Sad, I know, but it’s the truth of my lonely little world. The nearness of the moment of separation brings out a tidal wave of emotion that smashes through the dam of my depression and for a short time, I feel almost like a real human being.

I’ve been really feeling my isolation lately. Somehow, it was high-quality gay furry porn that did it. Because the kind I like have a story to them, and it turns out that emotional context makes porn a zillion times hotter.

Which is exactly what women have been saying for ages.

And while I enjoy the smut as much as any other fag, it was the other stuff that brought about the sea change. Males in love with one another. Males being tender with one another. Men being close and intimate with one another.

Men caring about and for each other.

Let me repeat that : men caring for one another.

That made me realize just what an enormous toll the lack of acceptable father figures on my life has caused. In general, I associate my fellow men (especially the straight ones) with harsh judgment, abuse, exclusion, and a lot of territory that men claims and which I understand but can never visit.

What can I say, I’m a man’s man. Or I will be, once I find me a man.

I really need some companionship. A good man that I can love and trust and share intimate moments with. Someone who values me, and cares for me, and in return I shower him with my love and devotion.

A man I can build a life with.

Like I have said before, my romantic ambitions are highly domestic. I want someone with whom I can put down roots and make a life. Big romantic gestures and wild adventures and exotic seductions are all very nice and I would certainly enjoy them if I was with the right man, but what would truly impress me is buying a house together.

I have a deep, deep desire to own real estate.

That’s also why I am rock solid certain that I want to get married to my Man of Life. Anything else would be insufficient in the long run. I need that level of commitment in order to feel secure in the relationship.

And I need that feeling of security. I’m a Taurus and us bulls do not invest ourselves in risky propositions. I can imagine being in a relationship with a wonderful man who is fab in many ways, but he can’t make that kind of commitment, and that means that sooner or later I am going to stop sending good money after bad, and leave.

That probably seems cruel and/or cold to some, but I don’t care. I want to build a future with a man. There is only so much “taking it day by day” I can take.

I am the sort of person who needs to know where this relationship is going

I am such a chick.

.But these rules are not set in stone. I can imagine myself enjoying short term love for a while, especially with a man I think is worth it. I can imagine spending one special night with someone and never seeing them again.

But the truth is, if you spend enough time with someone, you are eventually going to have to deal with each other. Mundane reality will seep in and you will see what the person is like in their everyday life and you will have to deal with one another’s emotions,moods, gross personal realities, and odors.

I think that’s why so many people leave in the morning and never come back. They can’t face the part where you have to come back down to reality and deal with one another. They are addicted to that early phase when you are horny and into each other and swept up in the bud of romance as well as the lust of the moment.

I would imagine that those special nights might actually be the closest to intimacy these people get. The short term spell of being hot for one another creates a kind of intimacy, or at the very least, the illusion of intimacy.

And for the fear of intimacy folk, that’s as close as they can get without freaking out. It’s very sad, really. I picture such people as delicate butterflies afraid to land for long.

One thing’s for sure : even if I had the gay sex filled life I crave, I would still want to settle down, and every guy I fucked would get weighed on that scale.

Is this the guy for me? Or is he just a guy for tonight?

Or maybe he’s just a guy with a cock I’d like to suck.

For now, it’s just nice to be able to feel solid, strong lust.

It makes me feel more alive.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow, homework permitting.