I really feel like I am running out of gas lately.

Every day, I am a little more tired. I find it harder and harder to concentrate and the urge to turn my back on the world gets stronger and my will feels weaker.  I feel very… grey.

And I honestly do not know why. Clearly I am spending more of something than I generate, and I am burning through my reserves at a frightful pace.

One thing I do know is that I am having more and more of the bad sleep. Whether that is a cause of my problems or merely a symptom of a larger issue is up for debate. I am not sure why the bad sleep is back but I sincerely wish it would go away again and leave me with at least a shred of the illusion that I can get rest from sleep.

Maybe I am become depressed, despite my best efforts to keep my fires burning. Maybe I need to learn to live with the fact that there are going to be these cycles of energy and listlessness in my life no matter what I do and the best course of action is to accept the truth and figure out ways to cope.

That’s a galling thought but that doesn’t mean that it does not represent an important truth in my life. And as long as I am living the life of a (mostly) unaffiliated freelancer, there is no reason why I can’t have the occasionally unscheduled off day where I concentrate on getting as much rest and recuperation as possible and lay off the intense job hunt for a day or two.

But I am so afraid of slipping back into numbness and depression that I don’t even want to think about it.  I know far too well how easy it is to let everything slide and give up on life and stop striving and then the next thing you know, years and years have gone by.

I am too fucking old and fat and sick to lose any more time like that.

But perhaps it is naive, childish, and self-destructive to imagine that I can sustain a wave of enthusiasm and energy forever. The mature goal is to learn how to stop for a rest without losing the will to start again. To search for a source of renewal instead of setting myself up for failure by trudging onward till I collapse.

Right now, it’s Friday. That means that as long as I make it through today and Saturday, I will make it to Sunday, which I have declared to be my day off, my Day of Rest.

That means that on Sundays, my only obligation is to blog. I can set aside the whole ferocious multi level job hunt business and concentrate instead on relaxing.

That helps, but it might not be enough. After all, Sunday is my big social day, which I will be socializing from 6 or 7 in the evening until three in the morning. And while I treasure and cherish my social time with my friends, it doesn’t really count as “rest”.

So I dunno. I could throw Saturday in as a day of rest, I suppose. I don’t want to do so, but I have to think in terms of long term sustainability. It would suck because Saturday is one of my most productive days right now. But I need time to rest.

Plus I don’t like the idea of a whole day left to my own devices. So it can’t be that I actually forbid productive labour that day. Then I really would get depressed. And bored. And resentful of myself, which is a thing that exists despite its absurdity.

So perhaps I should see a rest day as less of a full stop and more of a taking my foot off the gas. A lack of acceleration. I have been pushing myself pretty hard and that is the sort of thing that is never going to last.

Honestly, I wish I could rest up today. Despite my having had nine hours of sleep already, what I want most right now is to go right back to bed and maybe actually get some decent sleep for a change.

It’s worked before. It’s like I have to nap to recover from the bad sleep. Eventually, I will feel refreshed and ready to take on the day.

Dunno why the bad sleep is back. I don’t think my blood sugar is high. I doubt it’s my allergies, seeing as I take my antihistamine within a few hours of going to bed. It’s getting warmer and that might be a factor, I suppose, but it’s not really hot yet.

So I am not sure. The heat seems like the most likely thing at the moment Maybe not directly, though. Maybe the problem is that I have been sweating a lot more lately and that’s led to my pore getting clogged.

Seems as likely as anything else, anyhow.

I wish could sleep all day, but I can’t, because I have a Secret Informant (that show I am working on/for) meeting at 5:30 and the trip there is going to be around 45 minutes plus the time it takes to get to the station, so…. I am going to have to leave at 4:30, and before that, I need to shower and get into clean clothes, and… oy.

Where’s a pocket dimension out of time when you need one? Someplace I could go and take a nice long nap and then return the exact moment I left?

Well, okay, a little latter. Otherwise I would run into myself.

I will have to make do with a nap of about an hour and a half and hope that said nap will be enough to get me boosted up long enough to get through the meeting.

Andy says he has some very good news for us. I hope it’s funding and/or support. It would be nice to get paid, or if not that, at least to be able to afford some professionals so that we have some people around who know what they are doing.

I can write, produce, direct, create, advise, and inspire, but execution is best left to others. People with generalized competence instead of my concentrated genius.

And what do you know, I have those people  now.

It’s a dream come true.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.