But first : on getting there.
Haven’t been back since that one time. Guess I am on an “every other week” schedule at the moment. Which is just plain not enough.
I continue to ponder involving others. There’s no shortage of horny gay dudes in the GVRD and at least a few of them must be into bears. Or at least horny enough not to care about how the person who helps them ejaculate looks.
But that would be a mindbogglingly huge step for me. Invite a stranger into my home and then make myself vulnerable by trying to initiate/be receptive to sexytimes?
As challenges to my social anxiety go, that’s a mammoth endeavour. Walking onto the Oscar stage naked would be less daunting.
In fact, that would be hella fun. A bad career move, probably, but I can guarantee one thing : after a stunt like that, everyone would know my name.
There is hope on the “getting there” front my Paxil dose is being reduced. Hopefully this will lessen that god damned sexual side effect.
Anyhow, enough about my sex life and/or fantasies.
My back hurts. And not in the usual way either.
For those of you not in the know, near-constant back pain is one of the daily burdens of being obese, especially in men and especially especially tall fat men.
Short fat dudes have their own issues. And theirs are way more likely to be fatal.
TBFTGOGGI. (There But For The Grace Of God Go I).
That one probably won’t catch on.
Anyhow, I am used to the usual aches and pains that come with being me. But it’s gotten much worse lately. My back gets very stiff in seemingly random places and I don’t feel it until I get up and then I get really sharp pains radiating out from my pains.
Usually, when my back gets this bad, it’s because there is a slowdown in my solid waste disposal system and once that clears, my back relaxes and I feel better.
But this is centered between my shoulder blades, and that’s way too high up for it to be something happening in my lower intestine. Plus, the pains are sharp enough to make me cry out, and I’m at least partly a tight assed white dude who has trouble expressing emotion. so that’s really saying something.
And they occur all over my back, which also points to this not being a localized phenomenon. So it’s probably not just a bowel thing.
I won’t be sure until the next time I defecate, though.
It’s got me fairly worried. I don’t know, offhand, of a medical condition that would account for the symptoms, but there probably is one and it’s probably not good.
The stiffness is almost worse than the pains. The pains hurt like fuck but they are over fast. Just a needle stab of pain and then its gone.
But the stiffness is brutal. It feels like my back is a very rusty hinge being painfully forced to open, and when back pain runs that deep, it doesn’t just hurt, it feels wrong.
Like how a broken bone feels wrong. Bone pain freaks me out. For good reason!
If it does turn out to be a bowel thing, I have some exquisite relief coming when it finally passes. Trust me, there’s no high quite like the one that comes from pain turning into a massive relief of muscular tension backed by all those endorphins the pain has released.
It’s like suddenly, nirvana. All pain and tension gone. The world is a marvelous and magical place, and you feel sooooo good. And everything is just plain groovy.
So I have that to look forward too. If they could make a device that triggered that, like some little magnetic induction gizmo that stimulates a certain spot on your spine, it would do wonders for the health of the world.
And make the inventors crazy fucking rich, of course.
Had therapy today. Productive, in a non-psychological way. My therapist convinced me that I have been pushing myself too hard with the six to eight hours of job hunting a day. That is probably why I have been feeling worn down lately.
I suppose it was a tad unrealistic of me to think I can adopt a totally new lifestyle based on the big head of enthusiasm I had after graduating.
So I will cut back somewhat. But only in the sense of lowering the minimum. If I get bored as hell with video games and Internet bullshit to the point of wanting to scream, I will feel free to get some productive shit done.
Got to do something with all that energy!
Hopefully, the reduced dosage of Paxil will cut back on that goddamned sexual side effect too. As well as another problem which I have been dealing with, increased appetite.
And we are talking getting frantically hungry. As if I was starving to death and had to get calories RIGHT NOW or I would collapse and die.
It’s very irritating and stressful, and wears on my nerves. I don’t listen to the urgings, of course. I stopped eating between meals a long long time ago. So it’s not like I am in danger of getting way fatter.
It’s just that this crazy hunger is a bitch to ignore.
And it’s humiliating to realize I await every meal like someone waiting for their long absent lover to get home.
My shrink also gave me a free sample of a drug called Abilify. I am to use it if the reduced Paxil dose makes my mood crash.
Technically, it’s listed as an “atypical antipsychotic”, which is beginning to seem to me like a catch all category for any drug that has an unusual and hence unlisted action.
Like how our vet called mutts “mixed terriers”.
Apparently, Abilify enhances the effect of some antidepressants. And it also helps reduce the side effects. So I am willing to give it a shot if I need to do so.
But after glancing at the Wikipedia page for it and seeing things like neuroleptic malignant syndrome and tardive dyskinesia amongst the side effects, I’m not eager.
Then again, if it could cure that goddamned sexual side effect….
Let’s just say I wouldn’t be the first guy to risk his health for the sake of getting off.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.