The last few days have really illustrated just how muich of my self-discipline I have lost since I left school.

See, I wanted to write what I am calling the “dummy” script for SI.  What i mean by that is that it’s a script for a webisode but without the things we don’t have, like content. After all, we don’t have an actual Secret Informant yet, and I am not inclined to go to a bunch of research just for a document that is only meant to give people the general idea of what an episode of the show might look like.

In general, I wrote it for the group, but I really wrote it for me. There’s two reasons for that. One, I really wanted to advance my thinking on the show. To make it a step more real so I could clear my mind of the general things and start thinking about the specific details. By writing this script, I worked out some ideas in my head and now I can think more clearly on doing a full script for an actual pilot webisode.

The other reason is that I wanted something to show the group at the meeting today, Sunday. It’s out in Burnaby, at the home of Andy, the producer/host. I want to show the group that I am working on stuff too, and that I will continue to be an asset.

This is especially important because as we have developed things, it is becoming increasingly obvious that the show doesn’t need a writer per se. We plan on getting as much of our content from conversation with the expert Informant and various others as we can. That kind of limits the need for an actual script. So I need to prove my worth.

So I am doing my best to find another role for myself. I know I can help in a zillion other ways, so I am not worried. Plus, if I have my way, there will be two segments per webisode that do require a writer as they are comprised of a pleasant female voiceover sharing “fun facts” over appropriate (hopefully public domain) video clips.

And someone’s got to write what our pleasant female voiceover artist is going to say!

Plus I will pull more than my own considerable weight as a top-level creative contributor. I have tons of ideas about how to make the show great and what we need to do in order to get it there. I am pondering angling for a job title such as “creative producer” or “head of development” or something like that to reflect my role.

And I really need a role. I have spent far too long in the general pool for Central Casting. I have a chance to write a part for myself and I am damned well going to try.

Today’s going to be a busy day for me. I have the meeting, plus getting to and from Burnaby via mass transit, so that is going to take pretty much my entire afternoon. Then, when I get home, it won’t’ be long before I am heading out again to have supper with Joe and Julian and Felicity (aka La Gang) before going to this month’s BCSFA meeting.

To be honest, there is about a 15 percent chance that I won’t be up for going to the BCSFA meeting. I usually love them, but I might be too tired and socially depleted to do it. I will have to weigh that against the probable depression caused by knowing my friends are out there and having fun without me when I am making my decision.

So I will probably go. But, maybe not.

Anyhow, back to the point I presumably have. I have lost so much mental discipline that writing this “dummy” episode, which back when I was in school would have been a very minor assignment I could knock out in about half an hour, has taken me something like six hours to complete because my mind kept jumping around to various other things I had going on my computer and the amount of time I spent actually writing kept getting smaller and smaller, and my video games starting calling out to me, and it was a real (and unnecessary) battle to get anything done.

Hence the twitchy bunny brain. I’ve gone back to having a mind like an overcaffeinated rabbit compulsively hopping from one thing to the next, never staying on one thing long enough to truly concentrate it.

In my previous life, pre-Kwantlen, this was how I kept my mind busy. The net effect puts me into a somewhat Zone type state, where my mind is fully engaged and that gives me a kind of mentally full feeling that drains off some of that hyperactive energy that, left undrained, turns into anxiety and depression.

It’s not a good solution, though, because it lacks focus and sets a hard limit as to how mentally demanding a task I can work on in the brief times between hops. That’s a big part of why I was so unproductive for so many years. Good writing requires focus and self-discipline. You have to free your mind of distractions that drain your mental capital so you can invest it all in your work.

Ideally, that ideal amount of mental energy drain should come from the writing, and that should be what motivates you to keep on writing.

It helps when you are inspired by what you are writing, of course. The “dummy” script, while helpful to me, was not exactly the product of passion. When I am writing the more usual form of fiction, the pleasure of creating the story (and sometimes also the plot) as I go draws me forward. I get great joy from the feeling of the chaos in my head being directed into the writing instead and feeling my mind get calmer as some of the tornado of words and ideas always swirling in my head get expressed.

It’s crazy living in the heart of a hurricane, but it is that chaos that fuels my creativity.

Like my man Nietzsche said, “You must have chaos withing your heart in order to give birth to a dancing star.”

Amen, brother. Amen.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.