Let’s talk about that brutal inner prosecutor of mine.

I don’t know how to shut it off. That’s been firmly established. They say a lot of recovery is about self-forgiveness and that certainly applies to me. I am constantly tearing myself apart with the harshest and most unfair judgments imaginable. Judgments that basically amount to nothing I do being even remotely good enough.

Whatever I am doing, I am doing it wrong and I shouldn’t have even tried. That’s the voice of my depression and at this point in my life it’s a very strong voice. And it’s pretty much been able to act with impunity and without mercy for a very long time.

Whatever I do, it’s never enough.

 

And I know it’s a deadly feedback loop, where my lying cheating fascist prosecution attacks and hurts me then uses the fact that I am broken and wounded as further proof that I am horrible and worthy of punishment.

I know that this closed-loop emotional response system is deadly toxic because the same emotions circulate over and over again without being expressed, and the system, maladaptive to the end, responds to this not by forcing an outlet into existence but by shutting down most of its functions and devoting all of its remaining energies to containing the toxic sludge inside me instead.

And the toxins accumulate and the slude becomes more and more radioactive and I end up losing 20 years of my life to depression.

Well, depression and the ability to totally mask my symptoms when others are around. My invisibility reflex has cost me dearly in terms of help and nurturing opportunities because nobody can help you with problems you actively work to conceal from them.

I assume that a lot of people had some idea that I was dealing with some serious shit and had major issues. Or at the very least, they got that there was something wrong with me. I probably put out a pretty weird vibe.

Mixed messages, for sure. I try to be fun and interesting and entertaining, and I’m a sweet guy. And I know I can be very charming and charismatic when I am “on”. But I am also awkward and alienating due to my total lack of socialization as a child, and the resulting awkwardness as I try to think my way through social situations most people navigate through via trained instinct.

It’s like the normal majority all have telekinesis and I am the poor guy trying do everything without it, and then judging myself mercilessly for not doing it as well as them. And they don’t even know that they have it and so they are genuinely puzzled by my inability to do that which is incredibly simple and basic for them.

And try as I might, it’s still an invisible disability and one without a name that immediately explains my problems and so I end up being this pathetic bumbling buffoon who is doomed to forever be apologizing for making the sort of mistakes that people have never seen before and making people maybe not want me around.

Like take Friday night. Please. I was at Felicity’s parents place, hanging out with her and Joe and watching videos like we do, and at one point I ended up needing to use their guest bathroom.

So I do my business and wash my hands and think nothing of it.

next morning, I get a message from Felicity saying I left the faucet running. and it had run all night as a result.  Yes, I somehow forgot the “turn off the faucet” step of washing my big ol hands.

And I mean…. who does that kind of thing? Crazy people, that’s who. Mentally intact people do not. And this is the kind of thing happens to me over and over and over again and there seems to be nothing I can do to stop it.

All through my childhood,. I was told I could prevent these mishaps by  “just paying closer attention to what you are doing.”

And I try, I really do. But no matter what, it never adds up to competence. If I pay more attention to one thing, I let another thing slip. It’s so demoralizing and depressing to know that despite your best efforts, your life is going to keep bringing you back to the same humiliating place over and over again.

I hope some day I am famous and respected enough that the bizarre brain errors of mine are seen as a charming eccentricity and symptomatic of the high cost of genius.

Or at the very least, that I get enough money for it to no longer matter.

I do wonder sometimes if there is something physically wrong with me. Like there is some subtle but deep error in how my brain works that keeps me from being able to cope on a physical level.

I’ve talked before about how my brain prioritizes its inner processes over anything to do with reality. So I never know when something internal will overwrite whatever it is I am trying to do or remember or whatever and I am left struggling to cope with the resulting loss of realtime cognitive coping power.

It makes for a highly unstable mental environment.

And yet, it is also what give me my magic powers. Those powerful internal processes are what power my creativity, intellect, and insight. I am constantly struggling to truly understand the world and that means that many tracks of correlation and deduction are running at all times – even in my sleep.

Especially in my sleep.

With my conscious mind asleep, those rude and greedy inner processes have the whole mind to themselves. No wonder I wake up tired all the time.

It never stops.

In some ways, I feel compromised. because I know this intense prioritization of internal processes is the source of a lot of my problems.

But I could never give up the benefits of them.

I mean, if I didn’t fill my mind with all this stuff, something terrible would happen.

I would have to live life in the real(time) world.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.