God damn I am getting sick of this.
I have been so damned sleepy lately. I sleep all through the morning and into the afternoon as well. Then when I AM (techincally) awake, I am strung out and incoherent due to both the heat and whatever it was that was making me so sleepy in the first place. So it’s still a struggle to get anything done.
Right now, I am the most coherent I have been since going to sleep last night, and I am still struggling to keep my eyes focused. I feel lightheaded and floaty. I am weaving slightly in my chair. My fingers are tingling.
Anyone got an oxygen tent I can borrow for a couple of decades?
There are things I would rather be doing than sitting here in a stupor as I do my best to type coherent sentences. Like getting my Secret Informant work done, for starters. I plan on sitting myself here in front of the computer with absolutely no programs running except for CeltX (screenwriting program) and staring at the blank screen until something comes to me about how to make the teaser trailer for Secret Informant more fun and funny and cool.
Thus, I plan to harness the power of boredom to haul myself over the jagged ragged rocks of my mental health issues so I can finally get down to business and rock the world instead of being trapped in anxiety, indecision, and self-loathing.
I’m pretty fucking sick of that, too.
And over all this lies a thick heavy blanket pushing my down, down, down. I feel like gravity on me has doubled and the air pressure has tripled. My head hurts and my sinuses ache, and I feel this knot of pressure just above the bridge of my nose that makes me feel like my nose is going to pop off my body like in a cartoon any second now. Along with my eyeballs,. maybe.
In short, I am not at all well.
Oh, and that terrible cycle of waking up with a very full bladder and a ravenous appetite every 80 minutes is back. It’s very stressful. So not only have I been rendered utterly incoherent and been barely able to stagger to the bathroom and back in order to get abnother 80 mins of sleep, I have been growling-coyote hungry the whole time too.
It’s very hard on the nerves.
At least I know that, in time, this will clear. Enough of this deep sea diving naps and I will fulfill whatever need they meet and I will be released unto the world like an animal raised by humans that is suddenly released into its “native” environment as part of a well meaning yet horrible cruel repopulation program.
I mean, we humans have a native habitat too, someone in the Olduvai Gorge in Africa, but few of us would do too well if we were “released” back into it.
Instincts can only take you so far. After that, you have to know things.
I am trying to keep up. I did manage to eat lunch, yay that, and I have been hydrated fairly well. As much as being sweaty sucks, it is far worse to need to sweat but nothing is coming out. Either because my pores are clogged, or I am dehydrated, or both.
That’s when heat sickness happens. I know that much. When my body can’t shed enough heat for homeostasis, my temperature goes up and, naturally, I get sick.
We mammals only function well within a very narrow internal temperature range. It’s the range needed for our high performance metabolisms to function. Anything above or below that and things break down.
Trust me, I know this from experience.
So I dunno. I hope this bullshit works itself out soon because I am trying hard to get back to some kind of happy state where I feel confident and strong and ready to take on the world with one hand tied behind my back.
Right now, I barely feel ready to conquer gravity enough to go back to bed.
And now I have had another round of napping and whatnot. I am cautiously optimistic. I feel a fair bit better now. I might need one more nap some time tonight in order to get truly clear of this quagmire, but I am at least confident that the light at the end of the tunnel isn’t a train now.
I can only assume that I need such quantity of sleep because of its poor quality. My brain needs all this sleep in order to get through all the dreaming it needs to do.
And by “dreaming”, I of course mean “processing the contents of my medium term memory so they can be stored in long term memory”.
It’s more or less a lossy compression routine.
I guess I am doomed to have these sleepy days. At least until I get a handle on my sleep apnea. I keep telling myself that I will give CPAP another try, but I never seem to get around to it.
Because it’s hard. And it is always so much easier to NOT do things, and forget about them for a while, and just keep on like I have been keeping on.
Easy… and deadly. After all, that’s what I was doing for those twenty years of oblivion. Just floating from day to day, letting the time flow by, never thinking about the future, just making it through the day with all my distractions. When I tried to think about the future, a black nihilistic terror gripped me, so I just…. didn’t.
Thank goodness I eventually got into individual therapy.
In fact, I wish I had done it a decade earlier, but the sad truth is that if your illn ess makes it hard to advocate for yourself, you are pretty much fucked.
There is nobody whose job is to look in on you and make sure you are OK and persist till they find out the truth then make you do the right thing.
All that is up to you.
And if you can’t, well….. nobody cares.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.