Another day, another…. day.

I wish I could talk more about my new hobby. But it would hardly be appropriate. It’s all very sexual and vividly perverted. I enjoy the hell out of it but I am pretty sure that nobody would actually want to read it unless they, too, were into this kind of thing.

And I am going into a lot of taboo areas. The sort of thing that would get me arrested in real life, not to mention becoming a laughingstock for the press and the internet.

There’s really only one thing you can’t do in a Skyrim mod. I mean, they have mods that let you eat people for crying out loud, or get eaten. There’s all sorts of rape and violence based sex (referred to as “combat sex” sometime), murder galore with as much gore as even a highly refined psycho could want. Stuff involving bathroom bodily functions, crazy levels of BDSM, many many forms of slavery and even the adult baby diaper lover type stuff.

I downloaded that one just for the heck of it. The novelty wore off pretty fast. Then I couldn’t get the diaper off my character.

That… got in the way of my enjoyment.

I can do all sorts of fun things now. I can turn into a werebear, which is super fun because not only do I look cool as a werebear, I can kick serious ass as well, and it makes for a highly amusing contrast to my character being an effete elven mage.

I kinda wish I had gone for being a warrior instead. The character I beat the game with previously was a mage and I have done it to death. And the character I had previous to my current one was a warrior but he went the way of the dodo when I had to delete the game from my HD and reinstall.

It was a bit of an extreme measure, but the dingdongs done disappeared somehow, turned invisible, and that’s simply unacceptable.

You’ve got to draw the line somewhere.

Being a warrior was a tough adjustment at first, but I began to get into it. In some ways it’s a lot more complicated than being a damage-dealing spell using wizard whose battle strategy can be summed up as “zap them till they are dead”. A warrior has to think more because his attack is not ranged. Means he has to get up close to the enemy, where they can hit him back.

And that means you have to dodge in and out, duck behind cover, use your shield, and so forth and so on.

Plus, being a high elf is boring. I was a khajjit. They are a race of cat-people and they are the only “furry” race that comes with the game. There’s also the Argonians, who are lizard type people.

And lizards don’t have fur. It’s a reptile think. Kind of like their lack of homeostasis. Or how they need to moult now and then.

Reptiles just gotta be reptiles, yo.

When I am done blogging, I will take a nap. Was up till 9 am this morning. I want to get better at stepping away. But it’s hard when there’s so much fun to be had.

I realized last night that this ability to download all this amazing stuff has brought out the latent hoarder in me. I hoard mods now. It’s my current version of the eternal Taurus mandate to accumulate value. A lot of the stuff I have either doesn’t do much or overlaps in function with other stuff or doesn’t really deliver much value.

Yet I keep getting more, more, MORE! Sigh.

This only confirms that I have a reason to fear that the only thing that has kept me from becoming a non-virtual hoarder is lack of funds. I feel the pleasure of acquisition of value very intensely. It’s that magical feeling of “more” that is the root cause of hoarding.  That’s the drug to which hoarders are addicted.

Then again, I have a lot less patience when it comes to collecting physical things. Actual real-world objects take up space, need to be organized, need to be moved with you when you move. All that stuff.

Virtual objects that exist only as files on my computer are a lot easier to deal with. They weigh nothing, never need to be cleaned, and organizing is a snap when you have the right bits of software..

So I have over 4000 mp3’s, and it’s still not enough. I want more. I guess that makes me a music hoarder as well, but without the inconvenience of a physical storage medium that I have to find space for and look after.

Virtual objects are extremely low maintenance.

I have been thinking about self-forgiveness lately. Everybody knows it’s the route to happiness. You have to forgive yourself for being human and flawed and limited and by no means up to the standards of your ideals.

But that’s just the arrogance of the ego talking. Reality can never live up to our perfect ideals because our perfect ideals are just ideas, and therefore do not have to partake of any limitations at all.

But reality does. And I am too much the pragmatist to hold that against it.

I might be a dreamer…. actually, I am definitely a dreamer… but a practical one. My motto is : Idealistic goals by pragmatic means.

Because that’s how you make dreams actually come true.  You face the facts, assess the situation, then dream up the steps that needed to be taken in order for that dream to become a reality in the real world.

Anyhow. Self-forgiveness. A lot of it has to do that you are not nearly as different from others as you think you are. You are comparing their public face with your private life, and trust me, their lives are not nearly as perfect as they seem.

They are kids playing the grownup game, just like you are.

I will talk to you nice people tomorrow.