I turn up my nose at absolutely everything I am qualified for.
And this amuses the heck out of me. It’s hilarious that I have become so proud and full of myself in such a short time.
Doing five scripts a week will do that to a fella, I suppose. Especially when he has carte blanche to write it however he likes. Even though I’m working for a business so small you need a microscope to see it and the pay is even smaller, simply by writing those scripts and developing my voice and style in the process has done wonders for my self-esteem and confidence and I feel more ready to do whatever than ever before.
The problem is, regular work has made me lazy and unambitious. So any job opportunity would have to be pretty damn amazing just to overcome my inertia. I have my gig, such as it is.
And I keep lazily moving the goalposts. At one point, I was planning to look for extra work after 30 scripts. Then 45 came and went. Now it’s 60.
I will reach 60 by the end of August. What then?
Forget trying to break into the industry. I sure did. All of that went out the window when I landed my current gig.
It was just too perfect for me. Something I could do for a couple of hours a day, with weekends off. And nothing to force me out of my comfort zone.
Sometimes. things being too comfortable can be deadly. In the long term.
So during this vacation of mine, I am going to do my best to shake off the lethargy and at least poke around a little. Who knows, I might find something better than my current gig, and have to big Prasad adieu.
Heck, the new job might pay as much as $20 a script! What giddy heights such naked wealth would take me.
I would feel disloyal if I didn’t at least give Prasad 60 scripts before parting company, though. And who knows, by the time he animates all of them, I might be free again.
Assuming there is something out there for me, of course.
I certainly feel qualified to tackle any sort of script writing work. And some other sorts of creative writing type work if the pay is right.
I no longer feel that “I’ll write anything! Just give me a chance!” fervor that I felt fresh out of VFS. I don’t know if that’s just because I have grown soft and jaded or because summer has a way of beating all the ambition out of me and making me feel lazy and languid and self-indulgent.
All I want to do is have fun, god dammit. To feel free. Free to go out into the world and drink in its pleasures and find the joy in life.
Instead, I still feel trapped in my tiny existence. Getting paid work has helped, but what I really need is some kind of radical breakthrough in therapy to reduce my burden of social anxiety to a point where I feel that special kind of freedom.
I still feel like I am not even allowed outside. Like just by being out there in the world, I am risking someone pointing me out like the people in that “you are not of the body” episode of the original Star Trek.
They’d point me out and say “What are you doing out here? You don’t belong here! How dare you step outside your cage, you disgusting beast! GO BACK NOW!”.
And the sad thing is, I’d be glad for the attention. And glad that someone care enough about me to yell at me.
I’m not used to that kind of validation.
That got dark real quick.
Realistically, I can’t see me making any radical improvements in my readiness to take on the real world any time soon. Not without some other thing to jump-start my ambition. My life is quite nice right now.
That kind of saps the will to change.
But I do want more out of life. I want to write for something that gets produced on a regular basis and with a minimum level of production values and professionalism. Something where I can be confident that I can write whatever I like and it will get done.
Something where I can at least earn minimum wage. And support myself.
Basically, my long term goal is to achieve the life of a kid just out of college. Which I am… sorta kinda not really.
Maybe when September rolls around and the air gets cooler and I start getting that “back to school” feeling, I will get my ambition back. will square my shoulders, push my cap forward at a jaunty yet determined angle, and set about making something of myself and maybe even finally getting the sort of Hollywood life I have always dreamed of for myself.
But none of that movie star bullshit.
No, I would want to be a highly paid and in-demand television writer who everyone wants to write for their new show and I get to pick and choose the projects that I think look promising and fun to work on.
And to eventually be able to create and produce my own shows and build a brand that means top notch quality just like my hero Walt Disney did.
Top notch quality, superb production, excellent writing, and at the heart of it all, a warm and giving heart that looks to shine some sunshine into people’s lives and make them feel better about themselves and the world.
To reach out and touch all those lonely people who feel like they are on the outside looking in, and invite them in, and tell them that there is nothing wrong with them and that they deserve love too.
If I am lucky, I will also make them feel like they have it.
That’s my highest ambition. To do what Disney did. To make things that have just a little bit of magic in them, the kind that fills you with wonder,. delight, and affection.
This life can be pretty damned hard, especially for us misfits.
I want to make it a little easier for them, and me, and everyone.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.