I’ve had a rough 14 hours since midnight-ish last night.

I tried to get to sleep. But I had one of my bouts of benign insomnia. Benign in the sense that I am not. thank goodness, lying there miserable, incredibly sleepy but unable to sleep, feeling squashed flat between  tiredness and insomnia like a microorganism  on a microscope slide.

Been there. It’s the most miserable I have ever been without being physically ill. I freak out when I can’t think right. I need to be able to think clearly or panic sets in.

Shows how cerebral I am, I suppose. Some people might enjoy a bout of temporary stupidity. Me, I go straight to maximum panic.

By contrast, the benign  version of my insomnia merely makes me incapable of sleep. It’s always the same. I am almost asleep when I get a brief flash of something like vertigo and then I am wide awake and feeling great.

But great in a kind of manic way. Part of me feels calm and confident and ready to take on the world. But another part is screaming because it feels like it’s trapped in an out of control train car that also happens to be on fire.

I’d planned to get to bed earlier than usual so I could be up at nine (which is when I thought the eclipse would happen at that time) and experience this amazing, once in a lifetime event with the rest of the Northern Hemisphere

But I could not get to sleep. I suppose my body was rebelling at going to be “early”, as opposed to my usual 7 freaking am.

It’s a sickness, this Skyrim thing.

The next thing I know, it’s seven in the morning. So, being in a wonderfully effective state of mind to make sound decisions, I decide I am just going to stay up till noon so I can watch the eclipse and finally fucking participate in something instead of having the whole of life’s parade passing before me without me even able to watch.

And marching in it? Forget about it.

So there I was, sitting at this computer like I do, looking out the window in front of me, waiting for the dimming of the light to signal it was eclipse time and therefore time to get out on the balcony or, if necessary, go down to street level.

But it never happened. It got slightly dimmer, and I got excited. Then it stayed that way for a while. Then it brightened up again.

I must admit, I was expecting something far more dramatic. Sometime along the lines of day turning into night for a little while. Birds getting confused. I thought it would get markedly darker on its way to the 80 percent of totality predicted and I would get to witness the sort of thing that made and broke religions in olden days.

Weird shit happening to the sky can do that to people.

But nope. And I am wondering how the fuck I managed to fuck something like this up.

In retrospect, I wish I had just gone outside at 9 pm and stayed out there until I’d seen the whole show (without looking directly at the sun, of course).

But no, my suicidal paradoxical confidence convinced me I could play Skyrim until the show started and THEN go take a look.

Maybe my window faces the wrong way. I don’t know..

To top it all off, I am constipated. Maybe it’s the stress, I don’t know. It’s not a severe case, not yet, but as a long time irritable bowl syndrome (IBS) sufferer, I have to pay close attention to this kind of thing to make sure I don’t end up in The Bad Place.

In other news, I may be finally getting sick of Skyrim. There is still tons and tons of content out there that I have not explored, but I find myself less and less motivated to try. Playing feels more like a hollow compulsion than a joy lately.

But I am not willing to let go just yet. Soon, but not yet. I still have a lot of fun for a lot of my time playing. But at the same time, this anxiety and restlessness when I play has been building in me for a long time now.

What i really need is some exercise. I know this. I have been building up physical tension and agitation for a while, and it’s not just sexual frustration. I think I am going through a period where the volume is rising on my emotions and it means that even when seemingly peacefully working at the computer, I am experiencing strong emotions that lack anything like efficient release.

Yet still. my depression balks at the very concept of voluntary exercise.

Stupid self-destructive oral retentive depression! Exercise is not the enemy. The idea is not to do as little as possible. Where does that end? Is my life goal really to be able to lie down and have everything that I want brought to me for the rest of my life?

No! I want to go out there and engage with the damned world. It’s just that this disease I have, depression, is still holding me back. Once I get rid of it, I will be able to go out there and find my place in the world.

Or at least get classier and better paying freelance work!

I have decided that when I have done 60 scripts for Prasad, I will ask for a raise from $10 USD a script to $12.50 USD a  script.

That would bring me an extra $50 USD a month, or around $62 Canadian.

I figure I have earned a raise. I mean, sixty scripts, all on time and damn funny.  Granted, they are only between 2 and 5 minutes long, but those are the specs and I think the most important thing is that I have demonstrated that I can produce quality work reliably and on a five days a week schedule.

That will make me a more attractive candidate for further work, should Prasad turn down my demand for a raise.

I will have to harden my heart before I ask, though, because I know I am prone to capitulating due to guilt or a desire not to hurt people or seem like a prick.

A freelancer like me can’t afford to be so squishy. I have a career to think about. I want to climb the Upwork hierarchy. That necessitates the possibility of moving on.

If I do end up parting ways with Prasad, I will give him my “two weeks’ notice” : two more weeks of scripts, maybe three to make it 75.

It’s time to grow up and start pursuing my own interests instead of being a pass bag of goo with no drive or direction of my own.

Drifting can be nice but steering gets you places.

Time to grab the tiller, start the motor, and see where this river goes.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.