On the page, that is.

Been feeling anxious and sad recently. Not entirely sure why.

I have theories, of course.

I think the dominant factor is that I am simply going through one of those times in the process of psychological healing where I have to process –  in other words. feel – some of the latent emotion that chokes the life out of me with its weight and makes me depressed. The only way to get rid of this burden and clear the way for healing is to feel some of those latent emotions.

Not all of them. That would take years. But a representative sample.
So that’s probably most of what I am going through. The glacier of frozen emotion that lies atop my heart has calved another iceberg, and this one has a lot of sadness and anxiety in it, and as the sun’s rays melt this southward floating block of ice, the emotion within is release into the atmosphere of my psyche.

I must have some of the geekiest metaphors around.

I am supported in this theory in the very distinct feeling I have that this sadness is finite. That there’s a certain amount of it I need to get through in order to move on to the next stage of growth and healing,  and that when that’s done, things will go back to normal.

But a slightly superior normal, because now that glacier on my heart is a little smaller. And I have reclaimed another little piece of myself from the ice age within.

Because that’s the thing about all that ice and snow inside me. It’s not just emotion that is frozen in there. It’s aspects of myself, parts of my psychological physiology, that got caught in the freezing process and have been trapped in the layer of ice ever since.

Thus, recovery is a process of self-discovery as much as anything else. With every layer of ice melted, I can feel parts of me waking up and coming online,. sometimes for the first time ever.

That’s presumably why the process of recovery. from the first time I felt the Paxil kicking in, has felt like a long process of waking up. I look back at even who I was a year ago and it feels like I was asleep the whole time.

Like I am the world’s most high-functioning sleepwalker. See the amazing virtuoso somnambulist live something approximating `a representative percentage of a life while being completely asleep the whole time!

That would be a heck of a racket for a vaudeville act. All you would have to do was get good at pretending to fall asleep and at doing things with your eyes closed.

SO this psychological iceberg theory of mine probably accounts for the lion’s share of my latest mood event. But there are, of course, other factors at play.

Like it could be that my sleep apnea has gotten worse lately and I am waking up with so much un-exhaled carbon dioxide that even awake, my body can’t cope with it, and so it just sits there taking up valuable lung capacity and reducing my oxygen intake.

That’s bound to make a fella feel a tad under the weather.

It would basically mean my sleep apnea has expanded to become waking apnea as well. That would not surprise me. Sleep apnea is a serious disease that can really fuck a person up. Smothering in your sleep is no hangnail.

The fact that I completely ignore mine and therefore I am doing absolutely nothing to treat it does not change that fact.

But I can only do what I can do. You cna only play the hand you;re dealt, and I have a lot of psychological issues that keep me from taking proper care of myself.

And beating myself up over that would be worse than useless.

It would achieve the exact opposite of its intent. Instead of goading me into action, it would simply make me withdraw even further from reality and thus become even less capable of taking care of myself.

This things are never simple.

Low blood sugar might be a third factor in my current moodscape. It was one of the first things I thought of when I first realized how bad I felt. So I snacked.

And that made me think it couldn’t have been low blood sugar that was the cause because snacking didn’t change much at all. I felt less anxious and a little more stable, but that was about it.

But now I have hit one of these patches where I am super super goddamned hungry all the times, so it’s now an open question again.

Don’t worry too much about me, though, folks. Like I told my therapist today, I feel sad but not depressed. So I am nowhere near any danger of self harm.

I feel like crying, not dying.

And I know that this shadow will pass and the sun, such as it is on my distant little planet, will return once more. I will reach the end of the process and be better off for it because I will have worked through some of my “stuff” and I am a more whole, solid, sane, and secure person as a result.

Kind of like having a cold,. only you’re stronger after.

I know I have been feeling restless lately. My work isn’t really doing it for me any more. There’s no challenge and I don’t feel like I am growing as an artist by doing it any more.

And that… sucks.

And I think I am suffering from stifled energies in general. I need something more demanding than Skyrim to fill my time and drain my energies more completely.

I have ample evidence from my life that the more of my energies I express, the calmer and happier I am.

More drain, less strain, basically.

And yet my depression has me living  like a miser while sitting atop a mountain of gold.

Something has GOT to change.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.