nk I’ve been making progress on that “owning your gifts” thing that I have been going on about for ages now.

I still feel like there is this massive monolithic machine that is my intellect. and then there’s itty bitty me. cowering in its shadow, feeling helpless before it, even though my hands are on its controls.

It terrifies  me, to be honest. Even though I know it is also me. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like me, though. It feels like a ghost that haunts me.

Or maybe I’m the one haunting it. I don’t know. I just work here.

But on another level, I am improving. I am starting to “feel my oats^[1]“, as the saying goes. I have periods when I feel powerful in a good way. Where I am amazed by myself, not just dazed by myself. Where I can grapple with the truth of being considerably smarter than most people (and the ice cold loneliness that implies) for short periods before having to push it out of my mind as something I just can’t handle. Where I can entertain thoughts like “I’m amazing!” and “I’m brilliant” without the demons of my depression immediately tearing that feeling apart.

Because I am amazing, god damn it. Most people would look upon my gifts with envy. I’m a talented writer with a unique point of view. I’m a genuinely nice guy. I’m sensitive and intuitive while also being hardheaded and pragmatic. I have deep an unique insights into what makes people tick and how the world works. I am passionate about my ideals and live my day to say life by them. I have innate charisma that can light up a room. I can project my vision of the world to an audience. I can embody my ideals.

And, of course. I have a brain the size of a planet^[1]. I have a powerful mind that cuts through the fog of illusion and sees the truth of things. I retain facts for a very long time – hence my ability to remember stuff I learned in grade 7 science, like the water cycle. I have extraordinary verbal skills and can make words do whatever I like, including things that seem like wizard level magic to the average person. I’m very funny. I can make cutting observations that can really hurt someone if I feel it is needed.

In fact, when it comes to words, I’m a well armed ninja.

I’m honest,  trustworthy, reliable, loyal, patient, and dependable while also – miracle of miracles – being an interesting person.

I am a genuinely deep person who thinks deeply about things and who does his best to look at the whole picture before rushing to judgment. I am always striving to be as fair and objective as I can be. I don’t pick sides or play favorites.

And I am alway striving towards being a better person. My spiritual ambition is limitless. I works towards becoming not just a better person in terms of morality but a purer, stronger, stabler, more enriched soul that has transcended itself over and over until I am the best possible version of myself.

Basically, I want to be secular Jesus. Or at least a secular holy man.

I have a very strong desire to help others. And an even stronger urge to protect others. I will interpose myself between the innocent and the cruel and thoughtless hand of fate every single fucking time.

And for the guilty most of the time, too.

I am a very genuine person. I fabrcate no emotions. The very idea of it disgusts me. I do my best to be diplomatic and considerate and restrain my instinctual bluntness. But I do it via nuanced expression of genuine emotions, not by faking anything.

I absolutely refuse to misrepresent my emotional state. Come what may. I might not reveal all of my emotional state in every situation, but I never,  EVER  project an emotion that I am not feeling.

Let’s see. What else. This is fun! And I think it will be a very good exercise for my emotional growth and self-esteem.

I feel no need or desire to dominate others and I am in no sense one of those people driven to get their own way all the time.

On one level, life is a game of chess to me, and I will make whatever moves advances my position. I know that sounds so cold it’s sociopathic. but my chess board very much includes morality and the utilitarianism of maximizing the good and minimizing the bad in life. My ethics demand this kind of optimization. Otherwise I would be failing to live up to my ideals, and that would be completely unacceptable.

So the whole chess game is just my rather cerebral way of trying to make the world a better place for humans. Were I less dogmatically objective and determinedly fair, I might have a different approach to life.

But I am who I am, and I do the best I can. If that causes some people to mistrust me, so be it. I am a cold and calculating machine, after all.

Just one programmed to benefit humanity.

I am kind, gentle, and empathic. I want everybody to be happy. And I am very strongly oriented towards peace and harmony. I want everyone to get along. I want to end all artificial divisions between us, especially the harmful ones. And I want people to be able to become the best versions of themselves so they can be happy about themselves. and their place in the world.

Phew! That took a lot of effort. Worth it, though. I should print this article out and put copies all over my room so I can always see it when I want to.

I have all that going for me, plus, I assume, things I am now too tired to think of.

And yet, I still feel like a scared little money with his hands resting on controls he is afraid to use because the effects are so much bigger than him.

Maybe it’s time for that scared little monkey to grow up.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.

 

 

 

[[2]] Probably a gas giant. That seems fitting. [[2]]