At least, I assume so. I usually do.

Still developing this new path of radical individuality and artistic purity. It feels good, and it feels right. But I am also scared.

This was to be expected. It’s a much braver path than any I have taken before. And I don’t know where it will lead. It might lead to disaster.

But at least it would be my disaster. I would finally be living my life instead of hiding from it I’ve reached the point in my life where I would rather die trying than live merely surviving until I reach my meaningless end.

I’ve realized that I have been living my life curled up in ball with my eyes squeezed shut and my hands over my ears to shut out the world. More importantly, I have, by doing so, endorsed all the harm and deprivation that would come to me as a result.

The rule, as it were, is that it doesn’t matter what happens to me (or more importantly, utterly fails to happen to me) as long as I don’t have to break my fetal-position self-hypnosis that makes all the bad things go away… in my mind, that is.

In reality, they’re running the joint.

Once more, I find myself telling myself that it’s okay to do something purely because you can do it and you want to do it. That the world is not boobytrapped, nor is it malign, and there are no bullies waiting for an opportunity to make you suffer any more.

And even if there were, I would freaking devastate them if they tried anything. I am not the scared wimpy little fat kid I was back in the Very Very Bad Old Days. I have iron in my soul, raw molten steel in my heart. and a mind full of lightning and spiders. ^[1]

And it would not take much for me to unleash fifty different layers of hell on someone for daring to fuck with me.

A certain person who teaches standup to people with mental health issues learned that the hard way.

I feel kind of bad about that now. But he failed me. And my best friend.

So I tore him apart with my mind. So to speak.

Anyhow, the point is that I have no reason to be afraid. I am more than capable of protecting myself. If anything, I should worry on behalf of others.

But my deep timidity has very little to do with reason and everything to do with having been brutally violated when I was barely out of diapers.

That leaves a mark.

But fuck all that. I am going to make working hard on being myself my full time job. I’m going to pump out the voltage 24/7 and deal with the result.

It could be great. It’s not like the real me is a raging arsehole. Back before the trauma, I was a very charming, personable, and lovable kid. If I can go back to that state, I would be doing fine.

Sure, a lot of people would find me to be somewhat obnoxious. But fuck’m. The cool people will get me. Some people can handle a megawatt personality, some can’t.

And I have been practicing for this shit for decades now by being Fruvous. He’s basically an idealized version of myself and when I am RPing him, I am not at all shy and I am not ashamed to be my outrageous and amazing self. As Fruvous I’m flamboyant, adorable, hilarious, and most importantly, loved.

People love Fruvous because he’s so vibrant and funny and sweet and cute. I have every reason to believe that the same thing would happen in real life if I gave it a chance. I have seen how people light up on those rare occasions when I am feeling up enough to let the heavy wattage flow.

I hqave the power of charisma. I can make people feel good just by paying attention to them. What’s more, I am a sensitive dude who is a good listener and who has enough flexibility of ego to be perfectly happy praising others when I feel it is due.

And they will believe my praise because I am also a very sincere and honest dude who truly cares about others. It makes me happy to make others happy, and I sincerely want to help people find a way out of their own personal hells.

After all, I have spent a looooong time in one of my own.

So my mission now is to go out in the world and be powerfully myself. To hell with caution, hesitancy, timidity, and self-doubt.

There is great wisdom in learning by running into the walls instead of simply assuming the walls are there and hiding from them in a prison of your own making.

I’m through with apologizing for being alive. Like it or not, world, I am here, and you are going to have to deal with me.  And the real me, not the shy critter who does his level best to act like he thinks people want him to act. namely that he does not exist.

I’m sorry, Mom, Dad, Anne, Catherine, and Dave, but I am here now, wanted or not, and I am going to fight as hard as I can to be treated as equal to the other kids and not some unwanted afterthought whom you would prefer to pretend never existed.

And that’s true for the goddamned school system too. I’m going to insist on my right to exist there as well. I don’t give a shit whether you know how to deal with a kid like me. You’re going to have to learn real fast.

But that shouldn’ be a problem for you. After all, you’re educators, right?

I am here, IU have a right to be here, I have the same right to exist as myself as everyone else, and I am through living according to the convenience of others.

This little light of mine is going to be let shine like a million stars.

And if people don’t like it, they can put on some fucking sunglasses.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.