It is time for me to  to give birth to all that’s ugly and horrible in me so that I can, at long last, be clean.

Don’t worry. It’s won’t be like, all at once, like explosive diarrhea.

But that is what it is going to take for me to become who I really am. I can see that very clearly now. There will have to be a very big purge of negative thoughts, old tapes, personal demons, ghosts of the past, and deathly chill of the grave.

So less of a purge and more of an exorcism. Hey, it’s almost Halloween, I’m allowed to get a little ghoulish.

Isn’t that right, Vincent Von Ghoul?

I’ll that that as a yes.

Anyhow, it has occurred to me that I will need to go through a lot of emotional emesis ^[1] in the next little while if I am to disinter me true self from under all the accumulated rubble of the last forty years or so.

And, like actual emesis, no matter how necessary it may be and how much better I will feel afterwards, it will still be a painful and disgusting and disturbing experience.

But I am ready. I am sick and tired of my depression and I am good and mad enough to do something about it. A large portion of my energies are being directed into shoring up and inflating my self-worth to at least normal healthy dimensions, and anything that gets in the way of that has got to go.

Not sure exactly what form that will take, but you can be fairly sure writing will be involved, and therefore, so will you, my dear and patient readers.

That’s nothing new, I suppose. I’ve been coughing up the badness on these pages since 2011, after all. But it might increase in intensity and vividness, and might come in the form of fiction.

Probably horror via some easy metaphor.

Exorcism and such.

Had therapy today. Another Therapy Thursday. Session went reasonably well. I did most of the talking, which is usually a good-ish sign, because it means I had both a lot on my mind and the energy to spit it out.

My therapist has trouble keeping up with me when I am like that, sadly. But so would most people. And I wasn’t even going at full speed.

If I expressed myself at full speed and maximum density, people would think I was insane. Or possibly that they were.

Either way, not good.

I told him about my recent uptick and explained some of the stuff I have written about it in this space to him as well. And of course, by talking out loud to a sympathetic audience about it, a bunch more stuff that I hadn’t thought of before came up.

I have so many issues that they pop up like tissues from a box of Kleenex. Take oneout and up pops another, and another, and another…. till the box is empty, I suppose.

I have no idea what having that box be empty for the first time in my adult life would be like, but I am keen to find out.

The most important thing is to remember that I am awesome. I am an amazing dude with boatload of talents both general and specific, and I have a lot – and I mean a LOT – to offer the world.

And I am confident that, sooner or later, I will hook up with some way to unleash my talents upon the world, especially after getting rid of all that dirty ugly scar tissue.

See how I brought it back to the topic like that? Classic.

Because the thing is, none of that garbage is me. It’s just stuff that has happened to me. I’ve made the mistake of thinking its dirty and disgusting nature means I too am dirty and disgusting for far too long and it is high time I flushed it out of my system.

With some kind of…. soul laxative.

And to that end, I am now, at last, to accept my own awesomeness as an a priori fact which requires no proof. In fact, I am shifting the burden of proof entirely onto reality.

It’s up to the world to prove I am not awesome. And the evidence to do so will have to be pretty thorough and complete.

As in “extraordinary claims require extraordinary proof” level thorough and complete.

As far as I am concerned, all the evidence points to my being a great guy. Not perfect by any means, but high in awesome things like kindness, morality, empathy, sympathy, nurturing, and the urge to shelter and protect people.

And that’s just my “nice guy” assets.

It’s possible that, in the past, one of the things people liked about me was my humility. That’s going to change, sorry. It’s not going to go away – I will always be someone who believes in keeping it real and not being a dick to people no matter what.

But I might come across as more brash and confident now and that is sure to distress some people who know me.

Sucks to be them! Because I sincerely do not care. Life’s too short to cater to people who preferred the sick version of you.

I was sick. Now I’m better. This is the real me. Deal with it.

I am also done with worrying so much about whether I will become an egotistical asshole. If it happens, it happens. I will do my best to avoid it or at least to keep it within reasonable, tolerable levels, but if that’s the price I pay for my happiness, fine.

Because the truth is that I am amazing. A big ego is justified. I haven’t had one before now because I was sick, but now I am ready to claim my throne at last.

This is my kingdom and I shall rule it as I see fit.

Bring on the dancing boys!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.