Been pondering my interdimensional powers lately.

It started when I suddenly realized that I truly did move on a plane perpendicular to most people because when the herd is going south, I am cutting across it to the east ir the west in order to get a clear look at whatever scared the herd in the first place.

I’d love to say that my ability to do this arises solely from my towring mental integrity and a rough and ready individualism that refuses to back down EVER, but.. no.

The truth is that I am so poorly socialized that I don’t even see the herd most of the time. And when I do, I don’t exactly give its activity a lot of weight.

I love reading about trends and such but it would never occur to me to apply said trend to myself unless it happened to match something I like doing anyway.

I am the sort of person who is a lot more likely to lead a trend than to follow it.  Trends are started by people who are just doing their own thing in a genuine manner that just happens to appeal to the public because they want to be like said genuine person.

Obviously, not all of us independent types start trends. When it happens, it’s more or less a fluke. A meeting of individual lifestyle connected with the zeitgeist and with the sheer luck of crossing paths with a Second Adopter type person.

That’s the kind of person who is extremely keen on spotting the Next Big Thing before everyone else does so they can be the one who introduces it to their friends and then basks in their fascination and kudos.

This person is not necessarily as shallow as I am making them sound. It takes some very sensitive antennae to tune in to the public wavelength that way.

Anyhoo, back to me crossing streams. I have known for a long time that my mind automatically seeks the places nobody else is looking. It’s not a conscious process at all. It’s entirely pre-conscious, which is kind of nice.

Pre-conscious processes don’t feel like work at all!

I am also the sort of person who has to exert himself in order to see the social reality that the rest of the human race lives in. I can do it, but I have to abandon my own perspective to do so.

And even then, I tend to deduce it logically more often than I just “feel” it.

Don’t get me wrong. I have extraordinary intuitions sometimes. And not just the “logical leap” type that is basically intellectual, or the “you develop a feeling for this kind of thing after a while” type either.

I mean sure and certain knowledge popping into my head fully formed without the intervention of the conscious mind at all.

I just suddenly know things.

Now being the rationalist scientist type of guy I am, I don’t make any announcements or decisions based on that intuition until I have worked it out logically. The startling thing about it is how often it does.

The intuition turns out to be correct. For a rational type like me, that’s astounding. It’s like magic. Watch me pull this knowledge out of my hat. How could I have possibly known that? It’s a mystery.

Sometimes, I will at least get a sense of it being the product of a long chain of logical deductions that went too fast for the conscious mind to register. I can’t remember them in detauil, of course, but sometimes I get a feeling of something in my mind using the new information as the last piece in a pattern I had no idea was even there.

And once that last piece is there, the circuit is complete and powers on, which I think accounts for the euphoric feeling such activity brings to me. Something that I was unconsciously straining to make fuit together finally does and the sheer relief of it floods my mind with happy floaty feelings.

And then the pattern collapses as the new knowledge is kept but the pattern cleared, and the new knowledge is always much smaller than the pattern, so I also get the pleasure associated with freeing up a chunk of mind space for other tasks.

It’s friggin’ awesome.

Part of my struggle with coping with reality and life and so forth stems from being extremely internally driven. By this, I mean that my mind is constantly, but subconsciously, full of internal processes working on various problems I have “set and forget” style posed it.

And it is towards these problems that my mind is strongly prioritized. The deep processes come before everything else.

And if I was some supercomputer chugging away somewhere, that would be fine.

But as a human being, this means that the amount of mental bandwidth left over for my conscious mind varies wildly. The subconcious problems can grab as much memory and mind power as they want at all times, and so one second I might have 12 percent of my mind free for dealing with reality. and the next second I have 2 percent.

This explains my “getting lost” sometimes. For my whole life. I have experienced moments when I completely lose the thread of what is going on, and plunged into confusion and a feeling of helpless weakness and stupidity.

All because some process took a big chunk of my working resources away and everything I was storing in that space is deleted and I find myself in an all too familiar hell where it’s like someone stole my mind.

As it turns out, that someone was my subconscious mind.

Now clearly I have benefitted from this system. It brings me the sorts of deep insights into things normally associated with the word “genius”. It lets me make the sort of unique connections needed for creativity. And it processes some kind of information in such a way that I can remember it decades later.

But it would be nice if I could reserve a section of my mind for the conscious mind’s use exclusively and therefore make my reality more consistent and reliable.

Until then, I am stuck dealing with all the fluctuations.

It can be very, very disheartening.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.