“So how many seeds do we have so far?” said Eric.

“A little over 18 million, Commander. ” said Efrom “Eegee” Gorham.

“Right, right. And how much are we getting per seed?” said Eric.

“One and a half cols, Commander. ” said Eegee.

“So that’s like…. 27 million cols… which is what….something like 1.8 AMU’s. Right?”

It’s actually 2.2 million, you ass, thought Eegee. You’d know that if you had bothered to check today’s currency tables. But you never do that kind of thing, do you? You just make your best guess and go with it, even if it would literally take you two seconds to get it right!

“Right on target, sir. ” said Eegee.

“Wow. ” said Eric. “That’s a LOT of money. Right? THAT is a LOT of MONEY. ”

Egee waited patiently while the commander ruminated.

“That’s a lot of money!” he barked suddenly. Then nodded to himself.

There’s always three, thought Eegee. God, you’re predictable.

“Approximately how many do you think we will get with our magnetic net thing before we have to return to base for fuel?”.

MAGNETIC NET THING? thought Eegee. You designed the thing! If anyone should know its proper name, it’s you!

The fact that Eegee didn’t remember its proper name either proved nothing.

“At least one hundred million, Commander. ” said Eegee.

Wow, thought Eegee .

“WOW! ” said Commander Eric with the wide-eyed incredulity of an idiot child who’s just been told how long it would take to drive to the Moon. “That’s so much money! What do you think we will do with it?”

Whatever you tell us to do with it, thought Eegee. This is your ship! You own it! You command it! And that so-called “miracle drive” in the engine room that lets us move three times as fast as before for ten percent of the fuel? YOU INVENTED IT.

How can you NOT KNOW THESE THINGS? seethed Eegee internally. These internal tirades were growing more frequent lately and there seemed to be nothing Eegee could do to stop them.

If anything, they were getting worse. This one was accompanied by a loop of himself six incredibly long weeks ago telling his commanding officer and the rest of the unit how he wasn’t worried about being assigned to being second in command to the notoriously eccentric Commander Eric because he could  “get along with anybody”.

The whole thing was corroding his mental health. He made a mental note to visit Medical for a checkup and maybe a long session with their psychocomp.

Externally, though, he was the very picture of cheerful, competent helpfulness. “Will that be all, Commander?”.

“I guess… ” said Commander Eric. Then, offhandedly, “Oh! Except that the front starboard ignition fuser needs to be re-aligned, Busker and Tank need to be rotated out of their current assignment early so they can have their Ubeban Musk Ceremony before the autumn leaves change back on Ubebob, the music for tonight’s mixer has to be changed from bosco to sine-core because bosco will only make people more tense given the current situation, and tell the Offloaders Union that we give in, we will pay their inflated rates, because fuck it, we can afford it now. ”

Commander Eric nodded in a self-satisfied manner. then turned to leave, only to stop himself at the door to the cabin.

“Oh!” said Commander Eric. ” and for Grot’s sake, go to Medical for a checkup and a long session with their psychocomp. I’m worried about you. ”

And that was the absolute worst thing about Commander Eric Lecroix, thought Eegee. Just when you had settled in to feeling smugly superior to another top brass idiot who couldn’t piss without a spotter and three hardy Marines,  he did something like… that.

Because the truth was, despite almost everything the man said, thought, or did, or how pathetic he was in demeanor and attitude, Commander Eric was the most brilliant and effective leader the Third Wave Merchant Guardian Force had ever known. He routinely did things that revolutionized fields as diverse as labor deployment, superspace physics, agricultural biology, and of course, battle tactics. Everything Commander Eric  did was studied intensely by cadets and scholars alike. People were still finding new uses for his “spanner-ladder-cog” nanomaterial today and he’d invented it ten years ago. He had a service record so exemplary and extraordinary that it made ambitious young officers mad monkey horny just thinking about it, and had so many commendations, accolades, awards, medals, trophies, and gold stars that people were joking about giving him a trophy that read “the best at everything” and calling it a day.

But that wasn’t the worst thing.

The worst thing is that he seemed to do it all without trying very hard.

And that just wasn’t fair, thought Eegee.

It just wasn’t right.

And it was the main reason that Commander Eric went through seconds in command faster than Torg went through whorebots.

According to Eegee’s research, the record for how long a second in command lasted was seven weeks, three days.

And Eegee was just five days from breaking it.

Just five short days. Eegee told himself. It wasn’t that bad, really. I mean, it’s bad. Really REALLY bad. Like, that which breaks sentients’ minds and drives good men to evil deeds bad. But still. It wasn’t all THAT bad, really.

This line of thought was interrupted by Eegee’s sudden realization that he had assumed the fetal position and was rocking back and forth while clutching his knees.

That’s it, he thought. That was the solution. He’d just go crazy. Crazy people don’t have to deal with gifted idiots who could rule the Universe if they could be bothered to pay attention to it.  Crazy people got to go away to nice quiet places where everyone was a qualified professional and people were paid to be very gentle and nice to them.

It was when Eegee realized just how good that sounded to him that he finally made the decision to do as ordered and go to Medical to get a checkup and talk to their psychocomp for oh, no more than a week.

And so, it was with a mind filled with happy thoughts of all the “disqualifying for duty” diseases and disorders that Medical might find during his checkup that Eegee embarked upon his now-epic seeming journey to the comforting arms of the stainless steel Meditron diagnostic machine.

He could hear the soothing sound of the diagnostic alarms already.

<—————————————————————————————————————–>

[Commander Eric’s personal log, entry 12,663.] 

You know, I am really starting to like that crazy kid.

Sure, the lad’s a little tightly wound and pent up. Like my father used to say, the kid needs more orgasms.

But he’s the nicest one they have sent me so far. Always cheerful, always helpful, hasn’t tried to strangle me, started laughingwithout being able to stop, or pooped in or on anything I own yet, and that means a lot to me.

In fact. I think I will ask that he be permanently assigned to my crew. I am pretty sure I am allowed to do that. No more of this “on loan from” this department and that. I want young BeeGee to join our happy little family here on the starship Enter Ship Name Here. I am sure he will feel right at home here.

After all, he gets to work directly with me, and I get the impression that this means a great deal to young ambitious types like him. In fact, from what I understand, getting where he is requires a lot of pushing and shoving and putting people forward.

Imagine how happy he will be when he learns that all his hard work and patience has paid off and he gets to stay with me on a permanent basis!

I can’t wait to go tell him the news. So this is me, signing off.

How do I turn this thing off oh wait now I remember press here no that made the screen small oh dear and this one made everything go all purple well there is only one button left so this must be it here goes nothing and PRESS

[End of log entry.]

<—————————————————————————————————————–>

“You want me to LOOK at that… that..  ” said Erik.

“Vomit, dear. It’s called vomit. ” said Mother Mayhem.

“…STUFF?” finished Erik incredulously.

“Yes I do, darling. And why not? It’s out of you now and can’t do you any more harm. And we can learn so much about you from it!” said Mother Mayhem.

“But it’s so vile and disgusting!” said Erik.

“Is it? I can’t always tell. As you can imagine, a lifestyle like mind tends to widen one’s perspective on a lot of things. I know people for whom this would nothing but foreplay. So I will have to take your word for it. ” said Mother Mayhem.

“Say what you like. ” said Erik, crossing his arms. “But I am not going to look at anything that came out of my body unless it cries and needs its diaper changed. ”

Mother Mayhem sighed. “Very well then. Close your eyes. ”

Erik looked at Mother Mayhem owlishly. “Why?”

“Because I am going to fix the situation in a way that will work best if you do not watch the sausage being made. So close those beautiful eyes of yours, darling. ”

Erik hmphed, but complied.

“Now keep them closed till I tell you it’s safe to open them. ” said Mother Mayhem.

Erik did so, despite the temptation to see what was causing those rushing waters sounds and why Mother Mayhem was humming to herself.

“There, you can open them now. ” said Mother Mayhem.

When Erik did so, Mother Mayhem had a neatly arranged and sparklingly clean set of artifacts in front of her, all sorted into neat little piles, like something from an especially tidy archaeological dig.

“So all of this was… inside of me?” said Erik, not quite believing.

“Until quite recently, yes. ” said Mother Mayhem. “But now it’s all so clean you could eat off it. So to speak. ”

“I think I’m going to be sick again… ” said Erik.

“No you’re not. ” said Mother Mayhem. “It’s the Astral Plane, dear. I can literally see right through you. And you are empty. Now you have to believe me when I say… ”

“Yes?” said Eric.

Mother Mayhem put her hands on Erik’s shoulders, squaring them towards her,  and looked directly into his eyes. “THERE ARE NO DRY HEAVES ON THE ASTRAL PLANE. They’re not metaphorical enough. ”

“Oh ha ha. ” said Erik, with a smile. “So now what do we do?”

“We take a good look at what you-”

“I TOLD YOU. I’m not doing that. ” said Erik impatiently.

“Not even after I went to all the trouble of cleaning it up?” said Mother Mayhem. “Well okay.  But at least tell me if any of it seems familiar. ”

“Now that would involve me actually looking… at… it… ” said Erik, trailing off.  He picked up a small paper cutout doll which had been painstakingly colored to have blonde hair and green eyes and pale skin, just like Erik himself.

“I remember this…. ” said Erik softly, eyes distant and unfocused. Around them, the years slipped by like bow waves. until they were standing in a nursery school in a quiet suburban neighborhood. Frozen in time, a stern but kindly woman was admonishing a little boy who looks a lot like that paper doll. The boy looked very angry.

“This…. this is a bad place to be. ” said Erik quietly.

Mother Mayhem put her arm around Erik’s shoulders, and tsked sympathetically. “I can tell, dear. But look, it’s all frozen in place. It can’t hurt you. It’s just like a photograph. Photographs can’t hurt us, can they? And besides, this has already happened to you, dear. It’s in the past. So it’s safe to take a look at it now because it’s already over. Do you undertand, dear?”.

Erik nodded, and said “Do you want to know the story behind it?”

Mother Mayhem smiled, and gave his elbow a reassuring squeeze. “Only if you want to tell it to me, dear heart. Do you want to tell me?”

Erik nodded again. “Yes. I do. ”

Erik thought for a long quiet moment, then began : “In a way, it was my parents’ fault for raising me the right way….