Bumper and Eric’s eyes boggled.

And it wasn’t the pulsing, throbbing music played at bone rattling volume. Nor was it the bizarre lighting seemingly designed to keep you from ever seeing clearly by always being either far too bright or far too dark. And it’s wasn’t the crush of every sort of animal possible (and some that were clearly the product of an animator who’d been weaned too early) heaving to and fro with the beat.

They’d both been in dance clubs before. This was par for the course.

It was the bizarre way they were dressed. And… not dressed.

Their level of attire was completely random. From a nanny goat who was dressed in so many layers of clothing that she could have fallen into the Arctic Ocean and never even felt the cold to a pair of mares naked from the waist up and showing off their chestnut brown baby feeders to all assembled, to a stark naked ibex wiggling his man thing around and giggling to himself, every possible level of nudity was represented.

Furthermore, a lot of the time the level of nudity was rather unique because of the seemingly arbitrary area of exposure. There was the Kodiak sow bear with one breast exposed and nothing else. And there was a boomer kangaroo with one bouncy butt cheek exposed to the breeze. And most bizarrely of all, there was a bull elephant dressed in a severly conservative business suit but with one ponderous testicle dangling free and clear.

“Shame about the elephant. ” murmurred Bumper. “Should have finished the job. ”

“What?” said Eric. He’d been mesmerized by a snake lady’s sinuos wriggling of her scientically inaccurate tits, and hadn’t been listening.

“Nevermind. ” said Bumper. “Have you taken a good look at the ladies’s breasts?”

“It’s hard not to. ” replied Eric.

“Noticed anything peculiar about them? ” said Bumper.

“Besides the fact that some of them are attached to creatures that aren’t even mammals?” said Eric.

“Besides that, yes. ” said Bumper. “Note the lack of nipples. ”

Eric peered intensely at the ladies’ assets. It was hard to do because so many of them were in complex motion. But it was true. The ladies boobs moves fluidly and realistically, but lacked nippled entirely.

“That’s strange. ” said Eric. “Almost as weird as the penis thing. ”

“What penis thing? ” said Bumper, a little too sharply. He felt like if there was any sort of “penis thing” going on, he should be the first to know. “They all look fine to me. ”

“But that’s my point. ” said Eric. “They’re all fine because they are all the same penis. ”

Bumper boggled. He did a quick survey of all the male crotches in the vicinity and it was true. Every male animal had the exact same penis. The only difference was in color.

“That’s bizarre. ” said Bumper. “And rather distasteful. But that is nothing compared to what the ladies have going on between their legs. ”

“Which is?” said Eric.

“Nothing. ” said Bumper. “No vaginas. ”

Eric stared hard between the legs of a curvy rhino lady. By gosh, it was true. All she had was a vague outline of a vagina. It was as though she was still wearing a layer of clothing between her legs despite her total nudity.

“That’s… insanely fucked up. ” said Eric.

“Now fellers… ” cautioned Jake, “remember that you promised to be cool. ”

“We’re just looking. ” said Eric absently, eyes still trying tomake sense of things.

“And observing. ” said Bumper, eyes fixed on the rump of a gyrating giraffe. Suddenly, he cried out in surprise.

“What’s wrong?” said Eric.

“Oh, nothing. ” said Bumper. “Except that nobody here has an anus.”

Eric looked under some tails, and wowed. “You’re right. No anuses and no vaginas. It makes me wonder whether they even have a ladies’ room. ”

“Good point. ” said Bumper. ” From what I can see, all they need is urinals,.

“Wait…. some of them do have assholes!” said Jake. “it’s the quadrapeds!”.

Bumper solemnly looked around for a four footer, then squinted as he checked out what was going on under the tail.

And sure enough, the non-anthro animals had buttholes. Identical buttholes. Bumper risked a quick and subtle peek at Jake’s south end. Yup, even Jake.

What made it even more confusing was that none of the non-antho males had penises.

“None of this makes the slightest bit of sense. ” said Eric.

“And yet, I feel like there’s a pattern. ” said Bumper.

“Wait a second… have you noticed what is NOT happening? ” said Eric.

“Is this one of those Zen trick questions? Because I hate those. ” said Bumper.

“What is NOT happening is sex. ” said Eric.

And it was true. Nobody was fucking. Nobody was even so much as copping a feel. There were lots of critters showing off their assets to appreciative crowds, but that was as far as it went.

Nobody was even erect.

“Now if you two rubes are done gawking, ” said Jake, “it’s time we got down to having some serious sex. ”

Bumper and Eric looked at each other.

“Uhhh….. sure thing, ” said Eric.

“You first. ” said Bumper.

“No, that just wouldn’t be right. ” said Jake firmly. “You two are my guests, and guests always go first. I will just hang back and observe; ”

“You know…. just to make sure you’re doing it right. ” he added.

“So you young bucks go right ahead and sex it up any which way you like. I won’t say a thing. I just want to see how they do it in the big city. ”

Bumper looked around. Well, where there’s a penis, there’s a way. Thne he noticed something that shocked him to the core.

Why the hell were there children here?

“Why the hell are there children here?” Bumper demanded,  grey fur puffed out and bristling in outrage.

“What children?” said Eric. “Where?”

“Over by that fire exit. ” Bumper growled. “Between the lioness with the pierced ears and the stallion in the buttless tuxedo. ”

Eric looked, and sure enough, there was a whole family of nudist coyotes sitting there. including Ma, Pa, two little boys, one little girl, and an infant crawling around on their table . None of them were wearing a single stitch of clothing, and all of them seemed to be having a great time.

“Aw shucks. ” said Jake. “I was kinda hoping you wouldn’t notice them.”

“Well we DID notice them. ” spat Bumper. “Now explain yourself!”

“Whoa, chill, Bumper buddy. It’s not like he’s the one who let them in. ” said Eric.

“Isn’t he?” said Bumper. “Tell me, Jake ol buddy, who owns this club? ”

Jake sighed resignedly. “I do.

“And who populated with all these jokers? ” Bumper said, gesturing at the crowd.

Another big sigh. “I did. I guess. ”

“But how could he…. ” said Eric.

“Well then could you get rid of them, please? Except for the coyote family. They can stay. ” said Bumper.

Siiiiigh. “Well okay. They’re not activated, so it’s not like they count anyhow. ”

Jake gestured dismissively at the crowd, and the crowd melted away, the music died off, and just like that, there was nobody in the club but Jake, Eric, Bumper, and the clothing optional coyote family.

Bumper hopped up to the coyotes’ table and smiled his very best Disney smile.

The adults awwwwwed and the kids squealed. Even the infant reached out towards Bumper’s soft fur.

I’ve still got it, thought Bumper.

“Hi there folks. ” said Bumper. “Sorry to interrupt your evening, but I’m gonna need your help with something real soon, okay? ”

They all nodded, happy to help the cute little bunny.

Bumper hopped back to Jake and Eric.

“Don’t make me get rid of the club. ” said Jake dejectedly. “I like it here. I feel almost… normal when I’m here. ”

“Don’t worry, Jake. I’m not trying to hurt you. I just need you to be honest with us, okay? Then everything can go back to normal. ” said Bumper.

Is he getting smaller? thought Eric. He is! And his hooves are turning into hands and feet. WTF was going on here?

Jake nodded glumly. “Okay.

Bumper padded back over to the coyotes. “Now tell me, Jake. Which one is you?”

By this time, Jake had shrunk into a blob that vaguely resembled an anthro unicorn. He pointed at the smaller of the two boys without making eye contact.

Bumper smiles that amile at the boy, and said “Can you come over to our table for a little while? Your Mom and Dad are right here to keep you safe. It’s okay. ”

He looked up at the coyote parents, who nodded.

The coyote boy nodded too, and accompanied Bumper back to Eric and Jake.

Jake had finished shrinking, and was now a human boy who looked exactly like the coyote boy, only human.

“Do we still need…” Bumper asked, head tilted toward the coyote boy.

“Yes. ” said the coyote boy in a voice just like Jake’s. “Please. Don’t make me send him away. He’s been so lonely. ”

“Okay, I won’t. Now Jake, was this whole trip just a trick to make us show you what sex is?” said Bumper.

Both boys nodded. “I figured that if you thought sexy stuff was happening all around you, you would lower your guard and just… do it. And I’d finally know what it is. ”

Bumper nodded. “That’s okay, Jake. We’re not mad. ”

“We just wish you’d been honest with us from the start. ” said Eric. He had finally caught up with what was going on and he was eager to contribute.

“I’m sorry. ” said Coyote-Jake. “it’s just that it’s been so long and I want to grow up so bad that I didn’t want to risk you refusing to tell me like all the other grownups. ”

“About that. ” said Bumper. “Does it feel like you have been a little boy for a really, really long time, Jake? ”

Boy-Jake nodded. “Like forever and ever! It was great at first, living in a clean safe world where I never had to grow up, and where I had a real family that loved me all the time, and there were always fun friends around to do things with. ”

Bumper nodded. “But that turned sour, didn’t it?

Coyote-Jake nodded emphatically. “Uh huh! Sour like sour milk. And when I finally decided I was sick of it, I found that I didn’t know how to go back any more. ”

Bumper patted the boy’s shoulder. “It’s okay, son. It will all be okay. I promise. ”

“But… but… you’re a grownup, right?” said Boy-Jake with desperate hope. ”  So you can show me what sex is and then I can finally grow up again. Right?”

“I don’t think so, Jake. ” said Eric. Then, in response to the tears welling up in both boys’ eyes, “Not that we don’t want to. We just can’t. ”

“Why not? ” demanded the boys, in stereo. “Don’t you like me?”

“We love you, Jake. ” said Bumper, with a sidelong glance at Eric. “That’s not the problem at all. The problem is that, well…. wanting something and being ready for it are not the same thing, Jake. ”

“I don’t understand!” said the Jakes, voices cracking in frustration and sorrow. “What does that mean?”

“It means you became a kid for a reason, Jake.” said Eric. “You must have had some very big problems that you didn’t think you could handle, so you went back to being a kid so you wouldn’t have to. ”

“That means that you won’t grow up again until you think you can handle those problems. ” said Bumper. “And all the sex ed in the world won’t change that. ”

The two Jakes had merged now into one lightly fuzzy kid.

“I guess not. ” said Jake.

“You’ve never seen a girl naked, have you? ” Eric asked gently.

“Never. ” said Jake. “I mean, I had before but… not any more. ”

“And all those penises… they were just like your own, right?”

“Well it’s the only one I’ve ever seen!” said Jake.

Bumper decided to leave the issue of the buttholes aside. Presumably, the boy had seen them on animals but not people. And he didn’t think of animals as being sexual, so of course they had no genitals.

“Shhh, it’s okay, Jake. ” said Bumper soothingly. “Everything’s okay. The hard part is over. Things can go back to normal now. ”

“But I don’t want them to go back to normal!” Jake cried. “I want to grow up! I’ve been a little kid for so long and it’s been so lonely without anyone real around and you guys aren’t going to help me and you were my LAST HOPE!”.

Bumper stroked the boy’s shoulder. “Better than normal, then. Because you’re not alone any more, dear Jake. You have us. We’ll be your friends. Isn’t that right, Eric?”

Eric nodded, and smiled warmly. “The best friends you ever had, dear Jake. And together, we can help you grow up. ”

“Promise? ” said Jake.

“I promise. ” said Eric,

“As do I. ” said Bumper. “Now, would you like a hug from the cute little bunny?”

Jake nodded, and Bumper hugged him close. After a few seconds, Jake hugged back, hard enough to knock the air out of Bumper. But he didn’t mind. After a few minutes, Eric hugged the both of them, and for a long time, they just stayed there in that big warm hug, sharing the simple warmth of human affection.

When they stopped, they found that the club was gone and they were sitting in the exact same place where they had first met Jake the Unicorn.

“Will you still love me when you’re all grown up?” asked Jake.

“Of course we will. ” said Bumper.

Jake thought about this for a long moment. “Then I guess I’ll do it. ”

And the three friends played in the meadow all day long.