“And you know what they say about dragon males!” said Princess Featherfall of the Vulpine Empire, her tail swishing with mischief.
“I do not. ” said her handmaiden, Lady Reptillia. She had learned (the hard way) to avoid all pretension with the princess, as she tended not to see it as such and took it on face value every time.
It was part of her innocent charm, no doubt, but it could be damn’d irritating.
“Drat. Neither do I. ” said the Princess. “I was hoping I could find out from you. The way that gerbil guard said it made it sound most intriguing. ”
While on the surface, Lady Reptilia (or “Tilly” to the Princess, whom she’d raised) remained as impassive as a porcelain doll – tail still, motionless, scales shiny – inside she felt panic clawing up her back like a freshly hatched baby.
For she had lain with many dragon males as part of her search for a husband. That was simply how it was done in her clade. Each of the dragon males had lain with many reptiles too. Her clade’s philosophy was that you found out if two people were sexually compatible, THEN worried about their personalities, background, and so on.
And while the Princess’ innocence usualy kept her from thinking about such matters (thank the Egg), she has occasional flashes of intuition that really kept Lady Tilly on her claws, because she never knew when she would have to answer one of her Princess’ more intimate questions truthfully while not ending up in the dungeon below them for Jeopardizing the Virginity of a Princess.
Tilly was not sure what the punishment for that crime was. but she was sure it would be non-fatal. extremely creative. and designed for maximum pain and humiliation.
Princess Featherfall gasped, then grinned at Tilly. “You know, it just occurred to me that you would know all about it..”
Oh Egg, oh Egg, oh holy holy Egg, thought Tilly. Have mercy on your hatchling.
“… after all, you’re far more experienced in this kind of thing than I am, and I know you’ve been doing it since you were very young…. ”
OH EGG OH EGG PLEASE LISTEN, I WILL DO ANYTHING YOU ASK. EVEN BEAR THE SHELL AT THE NEXT BEGINNING.
“,,,what’s tonight’s ball going to be like? ” finished the Princess.
Tilly’s relief was so profound that she couldn’t speak.
“Oh dear. ” said the Princess, face wrinkled up with concern. . “Was I not supposed to ask? If so, I am terribly sorry. ”
Tilly swallowed – twice – then said “Oh no, my Princess. You were right to ask.I was just… thinking about the next religious function I will be attending. ”
“Oh okay. ” said the Princess, and for a moment she paused thoughtfully. But then her essential sunniness took over and she moved on. “Anyhow, what will it be like? What will be expected of me ?”
“Ah. Of course. That’s exactly what I would expect you to ask about.” said Tilly, “Well, my Princess, worry not. All you need to do is smile, look pretty, and accept compliments and gifts from the suitors your father wants you to see. ”
“That sounds easy enough!” said the Princess
For you, it is, thought Tilly. The rest of us gals have to work at it.
“It will be, my Princess. Now come with me and we will pick out your dress. ”
The door burst open and standing there was a dashing alligator with a cutlass and a chapeau. “No need! For it is I, the Scarlet Cayman, and I have come to rescue you from your cruel oppression. ”
He swept Princess Featherfall into his arms and looked deeply into her eyes. “I swear, by my honor as a Swordsman, that from this day forward, I will be your loyal protector, here to serve your every need and keep you from harm till my dying day!”
Princess Featherfall beamed with joy. But not surprised. After all, this kind of thing happened to her all the time.
The Scarlet Cayman got down on one knee, and took her paw in his. “Dear Lady, will you make me the happiest man in the Ten Kingdoms and allow me, a humble reptile,. take your hand in marriage? I beseech thee, Lady Tilly… ”
“Wait, WHAT? ” said the Princess. “What did you just say?”
“I said… Dear lady, will you make-” said the Cayman.
“Not the whole thing! Just the last part!” snapped the Princess.
“Er…. I said…’I beseech thee, Lady Tilly…. ”
The princess looked like she wanted to kill something. “I’m not Lady Tilly! I’m Princess Featherfall! THAT.. ” she said, pointing an accusing figure at Tilly, “is Lady Tilly!”.
“Really?” said the Cayman, and looked over at Tilly. Tilly, for her part, gawked openly at what surely be the sexist man in all Reptiledom.
“CLEARY, there’s been some kind of mistake. ” said the fuming Princess while tapping her foot on the floor impatiently.
“I guess you’re right. ” said the Cayman. He reached into his cloak and withdrew a battered, tattered piece of parchment and squinted at it. “I never was any good at reading. Could one of you ladies help…. ”
The parchment was snatched away faster than the eye could follow. Tilly unfurled the parchment and tilted it to the light to see it better.
“Now what was it you needed help with, dear man?” said Tilly in the closest her voice could get to honeyed tones, which was not very close.
At best, it was an affectionate croak.
“Just read it out to me, please!” said the Cayman excitedly.
Tilly cleared her throat, then said “Dear Maestro Delvanni…”
The Cayman clapped with glee. “That’s me!”
“Yes, it is.Good boy. ” said Tilly. “Dear Maestro Delvanni… I have, with great difficulty. procured the information that you seek. You will find the lady in question at Castle Thuum. Her name is Lady Tilly, and she works for the Princess Featherfall, so you will likely find her in the the Princess’ chambers. Signed, your loyal Spymaster, Kevin. (the gerbil Kevin, not the pitbull Kevin. He’s a guard. ) ”
“See! ” said the Cayman, with an air of triumph. “I got it right! Kinda. ”
“Close enough for me, sexy scales. ” purred Tilly. This man was making parts of her wake up that had been asleep for years. And they were tingling.
“NO. ” yelled the Princess as she slapped the parchment from Tilly’s hand. “That is NOT how this works. I’m the princess, you’re the prince, you rescue me from arranged marriage, and we live HAPPILY EVER AFTER, you ASSHOLE!”.
They both ignored her.
“I remember you. ” said Tilly. “As I recall, you came twelfth that day. ”
“And thirteenth!” he replied with some pride.
“Indeed. Very impressive. I remember you as the hottest fuck I had all that season. Yet I didn’t select you. I wonder why?” said Tilly.
“I wondered that too. Um, why I didn’t select you, I mean. ” said the Cayman.
“Are you two even LISTENING to me? ” ranted the Princess. “My god, do you have any idea how HORNY I am?”
“You didn’t really think the Princess was me, did you? ” said Tilly.
“Of course not. ” said the Cayman, with a grin. “I just did that to mess with the fox girl. She has quite the reputation for being difficult, so I figured it would be good for her to not get her way for once. ”
“I’m hot to trot! I’m ready to go! I’m ready for launch! I’m champing at the bit and kicking the stable door down!” said the Princess.
“So you really sent your top spy to track me down?” said Tilly.
“Yup. ” said the Cayman, and sighed. “And it took him a long time. As you know, all records of your Unselected are burned once the season ends. So the poor chap had to piece it together from a lot of discreet interviews with my rivals from that day. ”
“God fucking damn it, do you have any idea how hard it is for a Princess to get laid? Heck, to even get five minutes alone so you can masturbate?” screamed the Princess.
“I believe I have just figured out why she takes such long baths. ” said Tilly.
“So did I, when I was her age. ” said the Cayman.
“Yes, but when she took them, she was alone. ” said Tilly.
“Oh. ” said the Cayman. “Well that takes all the fun out of it. ”
“Not for her. ” said Tilly.
“I suppose not. ” said the Cayman. “I never will understand these hotbloods. Anyhow, I just want you to know that I really do want to marry you. ”
“Really?” said Tilly.
“Really. ” said the Cayman as he got down on one knee and took Tilly’s hand in his. “After that day, I couldn’t stop thinking about you. It wasn’t long before I knew I had to have you again. And again, and again, and again but in the butt. Because, dear Tilly, I just had to tell you that… your cunt is the most amazing thing I’ve ever stuck my dick into. And that’s saying a lot!”.
“I think that’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to me!” said Tilly with a happy sob. She embraced him, and he embraced her.
“I’m so glad I found you at last, hot cunt. ” the Cayman murmurred in her ear.
“I’m glad to be found, steel cock. ” replied Tilly.
They parted, and looked deeply into one other’s eyes.
“I promise you, ” said the Cayman. “Now that I have finally found you, nothing will ever come between us again!”
A hairy four legged animal popped into existence between them.
“What IS it? ” said the Cayman.
“It’s like some kind of horrible parody of a dog. ” said Tilly.
“You’re right. My god, what a monstrosity. I wonder where it came from?”
“There seems to be writing on this necklace he’s wearing. ”
“K A R L O. ” said Tilly. “I guess it’s name is Karlo. ”
Karlo wagged his tail and barked at the sound of his name.
“I can’t understand a word it says, tho. ” said Tilly.
“What are we going to do with him? ” asked the Cayman.
“Well, I was thinking we could bring him on our-”
The scaly couple disappeared as quickly as Karlo had appeared leaving nobody in the room except Karlo…. and the Princess.
The Princess scowled at Karlo. ” Get out of here, you weird looking… is that what I think it is? ” she said, looking between Karlo’s hind legs.
Karlo grinned a big doggy grin, and gave his rear end a little wriggle to make it flap around. Things always got fun once they looked at his Such A Good Boy Thing.
“Well, I guess dogs and foxes are KIND of alike… ” said the Princess as she took a step towards him, eyes locked on his primary male attribute.
Yup! We’re both canids! thought Karlo. As a purebred, he was extremely bright.
“…and my handmaiden has disappeared and who know WHEN she will be back….” said the Princess, taking another step.
Karlo wagged happily, and gave it another wiggle.
“…and you ARE pretty sexy… ” said the Princess as she put her hand on Karlo’s head, and stroked his fur.
I know, thought Karlo. He pressed his head into her hand.
“…now let’s see if that thing works… ” said the Princess as she reached between Bruno’s legs. “Oh my… it sure does!”
Just wait, it gets lots bigger, thought Karlo.
And so it was that the kingdoms of Dog and Fox were united by a most unusual marriage. In fact, for generations the bards would sing of the day they tied the knot.
In fact, It was said that, late at night, if you listened very closely and the air was very still, you could still hear the echoes of that mighty YIP all these ccenturies later.
And if you happen to see a lizard lady and an alligator man canoodling in some quiet corner of the Now, please leave them be, as their relationship is at a very delicate stage at this moment.
After all, they’ve just met!