Well, looks like I done fucked up again, idjit that I am.

I had a perfectly delightful idea for a story I was just about to write when I glanced down at the date and realized that I would not, in fact, be getting a cheque this Wednesday like I had thought.

A quick trip to the cheque issue date site connfirmed it. I am not getting a cheque until the 24th. Somehow, I had convinced myself otherwise. Somehow, I had ended up thinking that my five week month ended this Wednesday. Somehow, I had deluded myself into thinking that everything was going to be easy and fun.

I really should have known better.

Actually, I take that back. I could have known better. But I didn’t. And the battle against my corrosive self-judgment is fought in tiny battles like that one.

Now don’t worry, folks, I will be fine, My financial situation is not dire. I have savings to fall back on and GST rebate cheque coming sometime soon.

At least I hope it is. It’s long overdue. It was, in fact, what was going to pay my expenses for this week under my original idiotic  delusional inaccurate view of how things were. But it hasn’t shown up yet, AFAIK, and so I have been paying this week’s expenses via my savings, and it will be next week’s expenses that get paid for via that dang GST cheque.

So it amounts to the same thing, financially speaking.

Normally, I would be upset about how much money I wasted by overspending earlier in my month and then having to use my savings as a surrogate. That’s the sort of clueless behaviour I tend to scorn when I see it in others. After all, I am not some mushy-thinking overly idealistic anti-quantitative ninny who stumbles through life without a clue as to why they keep ending up in bad situations.

I am a smart and sensible Taurus who can deal with the limitations of reality and who is not afraid to deal in numbers and math and hard truths. I am clever with figures and keep myself to sensible limits and I simply don’t make that kind of mistake.

Except that I do, of course. Not as often as those who try to manage their finances via gut instinct and wishful thinking, but it happens to me too, and for the same reason.

Namely that there is something I want to be true and my mind jumps the logic gap to believing it without really examining it too closely.

In this case, a couple of weeks ago, I managed to convinced myself that “somehow”, I had enough money to spend $120/week for the next three weeks when that same money was actually supposed to cover four weeks.

Life is hard. I get so confused.

So obviously, my budget should have been $90/week, not $120/week. And that would have a little tricky. But I probably could have pulled it off if I had not made my mistake.

Or maybe I would have supplemented that income with my savings and it all would have ended up the same in terms of finances. There’s no way of telling.

Regardless, I don’t really give a shit. Whatever. Maybe I wasted money,maybe I did not. It all washes out the same anyhow.

I didn’t really know to do with the money anyhow. And I still have $275 in savings left. Eventually I will figure out what to spend it on. But there’s no rush.

Realizing I am not that attached to the money has made a big difference in how I felt about the whole thing. My income, thanks to the province raising my cheque substatially over the last year, is more than enough to pay for my modest expenses, and I am not the cash-starved creature I was before.

So whatever. I have a comfortable if not exactly lavish lifestyle. This financial SNAFU will have very little long term impact.

If I really wanted to, I suppose I could cook up a “could have gotten this thing if only I had not” scenario, but why would I bother? Fuck it.

I would have to find something I wanted badly first anyhow, and right now, I got nuthin’. I have video games I play for entertainment, this blog for getting my words, enough cash to eat out once or twice in a way and supplyh myself with snax, and that is pretty much all I need.

I suppose that makes me a modern Bohemian of sorts. Being the cerebral and socially disconnected urban hermit that I am, I have little desire for social advancement or the suiperficial signs of superior status.

Were I to land a steady paying gig I could do from home, I would love having the money, but I probably would not spend a whole lot of it, at least, not right away.

There’s things I coud use. A more comfortable computer chair would be nice. A brand new bed would be good. A sensible double instead of the king sized monster that I have now. One that is firm and springy enough to support my bulk without pressure points and cradle my poor stressed out back.

Not only would that be better for my back, but I would get like half of the space in my room back. So, plus plus.

A proper computer desk might help. My current “desk” is actually just a simple table, and while it gets the job done, I am open to the idea of a superior alternative.

Some kind of ergonomic mouse, keyboard,  and mousepad combo could save me some wrist strain. WOuld be nice to have soime super comfy clothes to lounge about in, as well as at least one very nice suit for business dealings and so on.

Hmmm. I think I just made my list of things I might spend my savings on.

The trick, it seems, is to start it off as a theoretical. That lets me shut out the option paralysis by taking away the stakes.

Thanks for helping me work that out, folks.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.