And that’s a good thing. Potentially a VERY good thing.

Like I have said before, I am not a transformative type person. I just keep plodding on without ever stopping for maintenance or fuel. I’d be a lot better off if I broke down and had to be towed to somewhere where I could get the care I need, but I just keep going.

Therefore, it takes some kind of crisis to get me to transform into my new, healthier shape. Metamorphosis might be the better word. Like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, it’s a way of changing into something new that can do the next thing.

I have been thinking a LOT about the next thing lately.

There is great wisdom in always doing the next thing as soon as you can. That way your life keeps moving and you don’t end up rusted in place like the Tin Man.

As a decades long victim of the doldrums, that really appeals to me. It would be a way to turn my “just keep going” abilities to something positive for a change.

But of course, first you have to know what the next thing is, and that’s exactly the kind of open ended question I can’t handle. ;

There’s just too many variables.

I can tell I am moving towards a watershed crisis because I have had a rough 24 hours and I am confident that this is all leading to some epiphanous fever-break kind of moment where I get over a huge amount of my bullshit all at once.

I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but I have been having this problem where, starting at around 11, I get really really really hungry at night. I am talking pangs of hunger that feel like my stomach is trying to jump up my throat. Accompanying this phenomenon is the sort of mind-melting abstract confusion that tends to come when my blood sugar is low, complete with diffuse tingling and mild nausea.

It’s been getting worse over time and I feel helpless against it when it happens. I eat my usual midnightish snack and it barely makes a dent in it. It’s like I have some kind of demon in my stomach that tortures me if I don’t give it tons of food.

Well Monday night it was really, really bad and I am officially worried. I have no idea WTF is going on and why it only happens at that time but this can’t possibly be good. I  have to go back to my doctor and tell him about this and see what he thinks.

You can see why, despite having plenty of insulin, I haven’t taken it in a while. When my blood sugar is crashing this hard, taking insulin would be madness. And worse, it might even be fatal.

I really thought that when I went back on my diabetes meds, things would smooth out. And they did for a little while. But now I am storm-toss’d once again.

And when I go back to my GP, I will tell him that I can’t do the medical testing I should be doing if it requires a ten hour fast. Not happening. Not gonna do it. I can’t make it that long without eating.

Not without taking a huge risk with my health and maybe even my life, that is.

So that was Monday night. Today (Wednesday) I was lying in bed, relaxing, letting my mind wander, like I do, when I started becoming increasingly uncomfortable.

It was a feeling like nervous tension, by which I mean literally tension in my nerves. But harsh, like static sparks, and building up over time.

Eventually it got bad enough that I had to get the fuck out of bed RIGHT THEN. It was at this time that I realized I had also been getting hotter and hotter at the same time. And the staticky feeling was accompanied by a doozy of a tension headache that felt like someone was drilling into my temples with a very dull drill bit.

Luckily, getting up and moving around seemed to help, and the headache faded into the background once I took an Aleve.

But I have no idea WTF that was, and that scares me. It’s also what made me feel like there is some kind of transformative crisis coming for me, and I am mentally preparing for it while doing absolutely nothing to prevent it.

I’m just watching the cracks in the dike^[1] form and spread out like spiderwebs, waiting without expectation for whatever comes, knowing that things can’t stay the same.

Wish it didn’t take a fllod to cleanse me, but here we are.

I also had a crisis of another kind this morning. I got up, started up Skyrim, and started playing. after playing a little while, this voice in my head said “Really? This is it? Is this all we’re going to do with our day?”.

This feeling has been building for quite some time. I am reaching the end of my proverbial rope. My soul cries out for something more and there is only so long that my addiction can hold it back before something gives and I find a new “thing” to fill my hours and give me purpose.

That’s an idea still waiting to be born, for now. That’s how it’s gotta work for me. It’s how it has always worked. All my big crazy projects have come from a long incubation period where I think about things ending in a big moment where the new thing is born and I immediately know that this is what I must do and thing progress from there.

So hard as it is, I just have to be patient and wait like an expectant father for my next bundle of joy to come along and give me something to do with my time.

Either that, or I will finally go completely crazy,.

Either way, I will be moving forward at last.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.