The lich glitch

I’m going to talk Skyrim for a bit, but don’t worry, I was do my best to keep thoings general enough for non-players to understrand.

So for a long time, I have wanted to complete this addon for Skyrim called Undeath. It’s a very tough and challenging quest and previous attempts have met with frustration and just plain giving up.

But this time I had a plan. And after many, many hours of gameplay, involving a great deal of effort and a lot of thought, and just a teeny bit of cheating right at the end, I finally did it. My character died and then was reborn as a lich.

A lich, for those of you who have never played D&D, is a powerful undead mage. Picture a zombie wizard and you are fairly close. From all I can see, being a lich is everything I wanted it to be, complete with my character floating above the ground like an apparition, exactly as I have been picturing it in my mind since way before I ever heard of this addon.

And today, I finally made it. Performed the ritual, died, and rose again as the sort of creature that makes the gods themselves consider changing their plans.

But there was one teeny tiny problem.

My character keeps falling through the floor.

Not to the point where I fall to the center of the world, so to speak, but just enough so that my character isn’t even with the doors any more and therefore can’t go through them at all.

And not being able to go through doors is kind of a huge handicap for a character.  Doors are rather important. Both our world and Skyrim have a heck of a lot of them.

The gloitch also messes with the graphics so that I can see the seams in the backgrounds and cracks in the walls and so on.

So even if I decided to lead a door free lifestyle, it would still look like ass.

And it’s so goddamned frustrating because I am achingly close to my goal. It’s like a kid being stuck in the parking lot of Disneyworld. What I want so bad is just barely out of reach and it is stressing me the fuck out.

And don’t tell me “it’s just a video game”. This is my life, or at least, what passes for it.

And of course, I have wrestled with Google trying to find a solution, but of course, this is a problem unknown to the mind of man and so there is no fucking help THERE.

I swear, something about me and technology makes it so that when it breaks, it does so in the most bizarre, unheard-of way possible so that whoever I get to help me fix it stares at the problem with slack-jawed disbelief and says “I’ve never seen this kind of problem before. What did you DO?”.

That’s why I think I would be a whiz-bang product tester. All I would have to do is try to use the product and the combination of my strange luck, my tendency towards being easily confused by instructions, and my general cluelessness, it would not be long before I had accidentally found a dozen problems that are so gobsmackingly weird that it defies the laws of physics.

Lab Guy : Just play around with it for a little while, Mister Bertrand, and tell us what you think of our new product.

Me : Sure thing, no problem.

Lab Guy leaves. Five minutes later, he hears a strange otherwordly humming followed by a wet bang. He rushes to my cubicle.

There, he finds me looking hopeless and hapless and vaguely guilty, with the product in jagged and irregular pieces in front of me. It’s coating in a thick red substance/

Lab Guy : Oh my god. What did you DO?

Me : I just used it!

Lab Guy : What the fuck… how did you even…. holy shit, is that JAM? Where the hell did that even come from? How is this even possible?

Cut to a newsreader announcing a product recall due to “problems that might lead ro product failure and/or violating the tissue thin wall between realities. “

I should make sure my siblings read that. They would recognize the situation instantly.

SO I will continue to fiddle with my Skyrim in order to make that fucking lich thing work. I have come too far to give up now. I may even go as far as to disable every single other mod I have except for the really vital ones and see if that fixes it.

And I have to admit, the whole thing makes me kind of regret moving back to the original Skyrim. Somehow, in the wave of horniness/nostalgia that made me go back to the original, I had forgotten how fucking buggy the original is when you are using a lot of mods and how frustrated I used ot get trying to make things FUCKING WORK.

Special Edition has its problems too. It was, in fact, my inability to make sexytimes fun stuff work in Special Edition that sent me back to the original game.

But now I am thinking that the sexy stuff is highly overrated and I wish I had just endured the lack of it and stuck with Special Edition because it worked, on the whole, a heck of a lot better.

Or maybe that’s just nostalgia talking too.

All I know is that this is way more stress than should ever come from a video game. I am not too upset about that because, frankly, I could due with some stress in my life to give me a sense of struggle and movement.

Lack of stress can be very stressful. It’s like our boduies refuse to believe that there are no predators stalking us and so it tenses for confrontations that never happen.

At least, that’s how it works with us white people.

I really hope other sub-breeds of humans do better.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.





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