And the band plays on.

Feeling pretty random and stressed today. Had one of my extreme hunger attacks, the kind that a full healthy lunch does not satisfy, nor does a hearty snack in midafternoon.

In fact, it’s only slackened right about now, when it’s dark, and my pizza just arrived.

PErhaps it is merely temporarily stunned by the presence of a fair bit of food. I dunno.

But this shit is really stressing me out, dawg. Being that hungry really raises the adrenaline levels and I can’t handle that shit right now.

It’s bad enough that I am sleepy all the damned time.

Well, I bit the bullet and looked up the connection between diabetes and extreme hunger, and as I suspected, the news is rather grim.

I mean, there was no way this was going to have a happy ending.

“Congratulations! Extreme hunger means you are not diabetec any more and can eat whatever the fuck you want for the rest of your life!”.

Yeah. Not gonna happen.

It turns out the answer is simple,. logical, and terrifying. The reason I get so goddamned hungry that I want to scream is that the insulin in my body is performing so poorly that the energy in the food I eat is not making it into the cells and therefore I really am starving in that sense.

Fat and starving. Lovely.

So far, I see no direct solutions online. Just “control your diabetes!”.

Well duh. I thought I was. Obviously not.

Exercising might help. Or make things worse. Obviously,. it is the insulin resistance that is the acting mechanism of my Type 2 Diabetes which is the problem.

I must be resistant as hell right now.

And I don’t know what to do about that. I am taking drugs to lower my resistence but obviously they are not keeping up. I fucked myself up pretty bad when I went without mneds for like a month because I was too depressed to even make the appointment to see the doctor. let alone get there.

So this might be the thing that finally puts me in the real danger zone. I’ve been watching the brick wall of my failing health approach me for so long that I find it hard to believe it has finally arrived, but here it is.

It’s been clear to me for a long time that I am going to die young. The trend is obvious from myt point of view. My depression prevents me from taking proper care of my complex physical health issues and therefore they will continue to get worse until I end up in the hospital if I am lucky and a pine box if I am not.

Suicide is not the only way depression can kill you.

For one thing, it can make you so numb to life that mortal danger doesn’t mean anything to you. I feel, in a very literal sense, fatalistic about the whole thing. I know, intellectually, that if anything should be able to motivate a person. life-threatening illness should be it. but oh well.

None of that actually repairs my motivational circuits. I don’t want to die – I have at least some that far. And I very much fear ending up with a far worse quality of life than I have right now. I have nightmares where I wake up in the hospital full of tubes and strapped to the bed, unable to move and screaming my head off.

But somewhere between the emotion that should motivate action and actual action, shit breaks down, and nothing happens.

I wish I could check myself into the hospital preventatively. Tell the admitting nurse that I am a danger to myself due to my depression and that I seriously need immediate medical intervention because my cells are dying of starvation.

But it doesn’t work that way. They don’t prevent problems. They treat them. “Come back when you’re in a coma!”, they would say.

Can’t I just have the coma now, and save everyone the expense of an ambulance ride?

Still no idea what to do about the hunger. I certainly can’t start eating tons more. For one, I can’t afford it, and for two, that would probably kill me.

And for three, eating all the goddamned time would be too damned depressing.

And I can’t add high-density glucose to my diet in order to overcome the resistance because that would be sugary foods and those are goddamned poison to me.

That does explain why I have been craving the sweet stuff lately, though. My body is trying to get the glucose into my muscles etc any way it can and it is not worried about the long term consequences.

But that road is deadly to me and so I resist. It’s not easy. I really had to struggle with myself when I was ordering the pizza in order to stop myself from adding one of Pizza Hut’s deadly delights along with my meal.

I just kept repeating, “I don’t want to hurt myself. ” until I was in control again. And that’s good because it means I am getting back to where I recognize that the evil sweet stuff causes me not just harm but pain. After I eat it, I feel sick.

And so it’s just not worth it. Sure, the pleasure/reward jolt is great for my mood, and having that to look forward to helps as well, but bottom line. it is just plain not worth it.

I can get the same pleasure/reward jolt from sugar free desserts. And I can afford them. So it’s just a matter of getting myself some.

And that involves not being so sticker-shock prone when it comes to buying stuff online. I have to remember that I have money now and can afford to splurge now and then.

I could have something dessert-like with every meal if I got my poop in a group.

But that’s the almight If, isn’t it? The crippling contingency.

It’s not that I am never going to do Thing X.  It’s that I can’t do thing X because first I have to do Thing Y.

And I am never going to do Thing Y.

But I am totally doing to do Thing X some day!

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.