(TRIGGER WARNING : Roy Roger’s horse just broke out of jail and is believed to be armed and dangerous… )

(REAL TRIGGER WARNING : I am going to talk about gross personal health sutff tonight, so if that kind of thing is a proble for you, spin on, my friend. It’s OK!)

I am not feeling very good right now. I am suffering an attack of… whatever it is that meakes me have a headache, be nauseous, feel a weird feeling in the puit of my bowels, and have a strong dull ache in my testicles, all at the same time.

I’ve been here many times before. My theory is that it is some kind of inflammatory response to something. possibly allergic in nature, because that is the only thing I can think of that could set off all those different symptoms all at once.

One by one, they can easily be explained via my usual bullshit. The headache comes from stuffed up sinuses, a plugged up nose, and clogged eustachian tubes. I deal with that frequently, mostly via taking a combination antihistamine and sinus medication and doing my best to keep ears and nose clear.^[1]

Yes, that means I pick my nose. Deal with it. It’s that or lose like 50 percent of my air intake capacity of my nostrils, and I am not a mouth-breather, so that’s kind of important Plus, it feels good, especially when my sinuses and ears are clogged and freeing up my nostril lets out all that tension all at once.

It’s quite euphoric.

.So basically, that issue boils down to poor drainage in my skull.

The nausea, well, I have a sensitive stomach which can get tied into knots by tension that I am not even aware of. And sometimes that tension is not caused by any one thing, but rather it’s an accumulation of unresolved minor stresses that are harmless on their own but add to that stored tension in the tummy until I end up with a knot in my gut that could crush coal into diamonds.

As for the bowel weirdness, that is part IBS and part the whole stomach knot thing making this worse further down the line. Because I am an old pro at handlimng these situations now, I don’t panic like I did when I was younger and therefore the problem does not escalate like it once did and land me in the hospital because imy lower intestine is spasming so hard that I see stars and it feels like I am Mel Gibson getting his guts reeled out at the end of Braveheart.

So while these attacks are not fun,  I am always comforted by the knowledge that I can remain calm and in control through the whole thing and that I know a lot of different ways to attack the problem and by opposing, end it.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, my testicles.

The ache there is a lot like “blue balls”, our charming vernacular’s phrase for the deep ache that males get when they haven’t ejaculated for a while and the semen has therefore accumulated in their testicles, causing them to swell painfully.

Do the ladies have anything equivalent? Is there some part of their body that aches when they haven’t gotten laid recently? I am not talking about horniness, that’s on a different track than this. I am talking about a literal physical body ache that gets worse and worse until you take matters into your own hands or find a suitable playmate.

I am guessing that they do not. But they get menstrual cramps and all THAT bullshit, so I think we men still come out ahead on that.

After all, you can’t relieve menstrual cramps via masturbating. Well, orgasms do help, supposedly, but not for very long.

Or so I have heard.

One last thing about blue balls : they make me nauseous, which is a bit of a problem, because it’s very hard to masturbate to completion when you feel like you might puke.

Anyhow, it’s a lot like blue balls, but the sudden onset along with the other issues suggests that it is more than that. Blue balls plus, if you will.

And it seems like it is also tied in with the stomach knotting thing and especially the nausea. As all men who have been kicked in the junk at least once (and that’s most of us) know. problems with your testicles can make you nauseous real fast.

So all these areas are prone to problems of their own for yours truly. But when they all go off at once, I feel like there must be some phenomenon affecting them all.

Hence my inflammatory response theory. It really feels like, when this happeneds. everything in my body contracts and suddenly there is not enough room in me for the usual amount of stuff and I am in deep doodoo.

Insert your own poop/IBS joke here.

Luckily, like I said, I have many techniques for dealing with these attacks. I clear my ears and nose, I drink small sips of water in case the problem is a clog down below that needs a little moisture to get things flowing again, I check to see if I am cold or shaking in case it’s actually a low blood sugar thing, I make sure that I am not sitting in a way that squooshes my testicles, and so forth and so on

Thatt means that 9 times out of ten, I can slay the beast, and get more the brief but marvelous endorphine high and a sense of accomplishment and victory.

Not bad for someone who is not particularly competent in other areas.

I guess with the right incentive, anything is possible.

Even me getting my shit together.

So to speak.

I will talk to you nce people again tomorrow.