Well I feel like crap.

But I’m okay with it.

HAd fun on my last night of the convention. Went to a panel called Youtubealoo. It’s the simplest of ideas. The mods show their favorite YouTube videos from the last year.

As far as I can tell, that’s the main way the kids these days socialize. They show each other YouTube videos on their phones. As access to media becomes a total non-issue, the social capital shifts to the person with the best internal knowledge of what awesome videos are out there.

Seems like an era in which I could shine, if I was their age. It really seems to me sometimes like my generation created a world for their kids that they wish they had experienced when they were kids.

And bravo to that. It’s a world where being a nerd is not only safe but desired. Where the battle against bullying has been won on the cultural level – everyone knows it’s a thing and is against it.

Sadly, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen any more. I am sure kids are still getting bullied all the time. But now, at least, they have the force of public opinion on their side and the veil of tacit approval that made bullying socially invisible despite its horrific nature has been ripped away, never to return.

Bullies may still bully, but they do so knowing they risk a very large dose of public disapproval awaits them if anyone finds out and they get that label attached.

Now where was I. I swear, if it wasn’t for tangents, I would get no gents at all.

Oh righ. So, the YouTube vids were fun. I liked seeing what delighted the young’uns. There was a certain amount of the “it’s funny because they are screaming” comedy that I find so distasteful, but it was all comedically justified, at least.

Some of it was even mildly funny.

I liked these ladies :

They look like they are having a lot of fun and they are funny and appealing and a grat couple of gals to hang out with.

That said… Trixie, girl, what the actual FUCK is that thing sitting where your face should be? Because it’s positively hideous.

I sincerely hope that it is a product of a very strong need to conceal your identity because then I can at least pretend that it’s the best you can do with that in mind.

Otherwise, I would have to imagine that you worked hard on that.. thing… and that when you got it to its current state, you looked in the mirror and said “Perfect. That is exactly how I want the world to see me. ” and I am not sure I could handle that.

It’s like you set out to land the role of the picture in the dictionary beside the phrase “scary drag queen” and landed it so hard it cracked down the middle.

I mean, look at your friend Katya. She’s got the right idea. She is clearly in drag, but looks fabulous, and most importantly, like a human being.

Whereas you, girl, look like a makeup artists’s fever dream.

Anyhoo, after that Le Gang plus Jax and Spuug got together at our local Denny’s for dinner. And much high quality conversation was had.

Then we dropped Spuug and Jax off at the convention and went over to Felicity’s place to hand out and watch videos like we usually do.

Overall. I had a lot of fun at the convention, but I feel something akin to guilt about all the stuff I feel like I should have gone to but was too lazy.

That included a memorial service for a local furry named Ravenwood. He died of a heart infection in the last year. And I didn’t even know he was dead until I saw the noticed for his memorial service at the convention.

And I feel bad about that because I owe a lot to Ravenwood. When I first moved to the GVRD in 1998, he was the furry who got me a bachelor suite in the same building he lived in and walked with me to apply for welfare and talked me through the process when I was freaking out on all levels.

And aftert that, he was the person who checked in on me now and then and came over sometimes to use my internet connection and thus provided the only genuine human interaction in my life in a period when I was the craziest and most depressed I have ever been in my entire life.

And that can’t have been easy.

But it was that selfsame mental illness that kept me from going. To my social anxiety, the service was nothing but a room full of total strangers who had no idea who I was and to whom I would have to justify my presence and I just could not face that.

I just didn’t have the spoons.

I mean, a lot of the time I can’t even justify my presence on Earth to myself. I am constantly battling to assign any value ot my life at all. On my bad days, I feel like I am nothing but a liability to all who know me and humanity in general.

And I know that’s crazy, But knowing that does not fix the problem. My powers of reason, like anyone else’s, are finite and there is only so much power they can put behind modifying emotions with thought.

Past that point, the emotions win. Emotions always win. We are emotional creatures with access to reason, nothing more.

Shit. I just nodded off for a few seconds. And I have already slept a ton today. I must be having one of my sleepy days.

And I hate my sleepy days. They make me feel like my life is being stolen away from me. I don’t want to sleep all the time, I want to do stuff.

But when the need is great, sleep I must. Looks like I will be taking YET ANOTHER fucking nap in a day of naps.

Some days I wonder why I even both getting out of bed.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.