I am slowly making progress toward being able to handle the truth of my extraordinary gifts. Thinking about it doesn’t scare me as much any more.
So tonight, I am going to venture into that territory and see what treasures I can find in the arctic squall I call my soul.
In the unlikely event that someone who already thinks I am a smug, self-satisfied asshole, this post will only make you more unhappy with me, so feel free to leave.
Also, fuck off.
Oh, and be warned, my patient readers. that this is still a scary subject for me so I might go rambling off into some intellectual discussion and leave the emotional stuff behind.
I will be monitoring myself for just such a digression, but I can’t promise success, because my issues are very sneaky, and might show up in the form of an anecdote, a theory of mine, or an overlong introduction to the blog entry.
Nah, that would never happen.
Let’s start from this : I avoifd thinking and talking about this subject because it frightens me. I am scared of my own powers. When I think about them,. I feel the pressure of the elitism trying to form in my mind and it scares me and I reject it.
Plus,. like I have said before, the feeling of power feels like it is trying to tear me away from the rest of humanity and I have a very tenuous connection to my fellow humans as is and the thought of losing that scares the hell out of me.
I’ve had nightmares many times in my life where I become very light like a balloon and have to cling very hard to some object in order to avoid floating away from everything I know and love and getting swallowed up by the sky, never to return.
That’s exactly what I am afraid of when I contemplate my “powers”.
And they really do feel like magic powers sometimes. That’s why I keep coming back to imagining myself to be a wizard. And like a classic D&D wizard, I have amazing abilities but I am otherwise rather useless.
Perhaps I need to level up.
So what are my powers? Let’s start a list.
- Creativity. I am a fountain of ideas. My mind produces them as easily as my lungs produce CO2. Everything I experience goes into the bubbling cauldron of my creativity, and out of that primordial goo, ideas crystallize. This gives me the usual kind of creative skill, in my case writing, but it also makes me w hiz at creative problem solving when combined with my…/
- Incision. Over the years, I have honed my mind to the point where I cut right to the heart of things without even trying. My mind automatically reduces things to their essence and throws away the extraneous bullshit. What’s left gets integrated into my existing body of knowledge and experience. This gives me great…
- Insight. I see a lot more than other people with my inner sight. I can see how things really work and what ideas work (or don’t). I am especially good at understanding what makes people tick. To me, most people’s minds are an open book, and that’s a heck of a power, especially when combined with my,….
- Sensitivity. . I’m higly empathic. I pick up other people’s emotions like a radio picks up radio stations. It gives me a deep, emotional understanding of the inner worlds of other people and makes me very…
- Understanding. You can’t see the world as I do and remain judgmental because I can see how fragile and human we all are. Even the worst villains are acting out of an inner pain that is so great that they have to externalize it. That doesn’t mean I suspend all judgment. It just means I see more shades of grey than others. Perhaps that’s why I have such a great…
- Personality. I am a sweet, gentle, funny guy who sincerely loving helping people and wants to make everyone around him happy. I have a strong presence and force of personality. I have charisma and a talent for being likeable. I am a gentle giant, a big ol’ teddy bear, and people respond well to that. Of course, all of this is powered by my mightly..
- Intellgence. I have an IQ of 161. School was almost always easy for me. I aced all the academic subjects without even trying. My mind moves so fast that sometimes it takes my breath away. What others struggle with, I learn instantly and retain forever. By all the usual standards, I am a genius.
I think that’s enough for now. I am probably forgetting a whole lot of things but this journey into sensitive areas of my mind is already making me feel sort of bruised and nauseous, so I am going to stop there.
Now if you didn’t know me, that list would seem incredible and there would be no doubt in your mind that, if it was all true, I would have everything I needed to have an amazing life and make a lot of money.
But here I sit, 44 years old,. on the dole, with very little money and a life that bears no relation to the amount of potential I have described.
And that’s the final reason I find this subject so hard to think about or deal with. It’s not just that I am afraid of eilitsim taking hold and turning me into the sort of person I hate, and it’s not just the feeling that I have to cling hard to my connection to humanity lest I disappear into the stratosphere.
Nor is it just a fear of the responsibility implied by such power, or the my deep fear of hurting people with my mighty mental muscles.
It’s also that the whole subject depresses the hell out of me because, if I think about all my gifts, it makes me feel like even more of a loser for having the life I have.
And that’s something that is really hard to take.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.