I n my mind, that is.

I’ve talked a couple of times in this space about my idea that some of the most brilliant people are those which, due to some kind of trauma, there is a huge void within them.

This void is emotionally terrible, but can also be put to use as a kind of massive workshop type space where large ideas can be handled, manipulated, examined from various angles, and if you are lucky, even constructed.

That allows for a breadth of mind that, in turn. enables a larger and more detailed vision of the world and of imagination.

That’s how it is with me,. I think. I have learned to use this vast vacuum inside my mind caused by the depression to enable me to see further than others. To see more of the chess board than others and therefore able to see more moves ahead than others.

This is strictly metaphorical chess, though. I don’t have the head for the real thing.

Hey, that reminded me of what I had planned to talk about today!

Okay, pretend we’re starting over.

The human calculator

Okay, now let’s talk about what it means when we describe someone as “calculating”. It seems like a simple and intuitive concept but when you give it a poke it soon reveals itself to be quite a dense and complex idea with a lot of assumptions packed into it.

You can tell this because there is such a large gap between its literal meaning and its contexctual meaning. Taken quite literally, it just means it’s someone who thinks logically about what they do – in other words, they calculate it.

And isn’t that what we all do? In some form?

But of course, its contextual meaning when applied to people is quite different. In that context, it implies that the person is cold and ruthless and lacks some basic human emotion and is therefore always viewing everything it terms of advancing their own interests instead of….

Instead of what? That’s where things get really interesting because it’s where cultural analysis starts tripping over its own feet as it tries to define the undefined.

Because what else is there to do but think about things? Feel about them, that’s what. So clearly the missing element in a person we describe as “calculating” is emotional.

And that implies that we expect there to be something besides cold calculation going on in people’s reactions and decision-making and that if it is not there, the person is immoral or even monstrous.

Let’s call this missing emotion “empathy” for the purposes of this discussion. The missing ingredient probably includes more than that, but it’s mostly empathy.

This empathy is clearly supposed to inform our decision making and, at least some of the time, lead us to do things other than what a purely logical, methodical, step by step thought process would produce.

The assumption seems to be that said purely logical thought process would lack human consideration and be entirely selfish.

And that’s where I come in, because I challenge that assumption.

For me, life really is that metaphorical chess game. I make whatever move my calculating mind tells me would produce the best result. ^[1] By doing so, I advance my agenda and improve my position.

And I honestly can’t imagine being any other way.

But nobody who knows me would describe me as calculating , nor would they say I lacked warmth. And I am far from selfish. Nor am I insensitive. ^[2]

I am, in fact, one heck of a nice guy. I sincerely want everybody to be happy and I genuinely enjoy making them happy. I really feel for people And that feeling does not operate outside of my calculating mind.

It is, in fact, integral to the whole operation.

Because no matter how ruthlessly efficient a computer is, it still only does what its operator tells it to do. And I have set mine to constantly calculate what will produce the greatest good in the world, with a balance struck between my own interests and those of everyone else.

In other words, my calculation includes my morality. The calculation is simply my way of figuring things out. Of arriving at the best solution for the problem at hand. And because I take this optimizing approach to life, and because morality is extremely important to the very core of who I am, I am compelled to always do the most moral thing I can.

Suboptimal morality is unacceptable to me.

In that sense, I am a bit like the robot nanny in the Bradbury story “I Sing The Body Electric”. She is most definitely a robot and had a computer for a brain. That means she was quite literally calculatuing in all her decisions. EVerything she did and said was the result of purely logical thought processes.

But all that logical calculation was in the service of her being the best possible nanny she could be for the story’s children. That meants being sweet, kind, considerate, wise, comforting, patient, and one heck of a cookie maker.

In other words, her calculation made her a nearly flawless  representation of everything we think of when we think of compassion.

And that’s more or less how it works with me. Sure, I calculate, but only because I consider that to be the best way to behave as morally as I possibly can.

Other people might find that to be a strangely cold way to approach morality, and I will cop to it being strange. I am a strange guy and do things in strange ways.

But I am not cold. I have the same moral feelings as anyone else.

I just act on them in a slightly different way.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.