Do to a surprise change in plans, I am blogging two hours early, which in my world is way, way earlier than planned.

Small lives run on small details, after all.

Now patient readers know how I feel about sudden change. I hate it. I need predictability in my life. Sudden changes throw me off kilter and I am not at all skilled in abandoning one plan and switchibng to another with any degree of grace or aplomb.

But this is not actually an objection to the change in plans. In whole, it is a good thing, because it means I get to spend more time hanging out with my friends on a lovely sunny day in June.

Kinda makes me want to go to the beach. But my friends are not beach people, and going alone would be a big challenge to my social anxiety.

Especially if it’s crowded. I can’t do crowded.

Anyhow, the change of plans upsets me but I am not objecting. My difficulty in adjusting to changes that happen at a less thna glacial speed is my own business and I will deal with it and be there for and with my friends.

And I am pretty sure that’s a good thing.

I certainly prioritize my relationships over my own psychological bullshit. Part of how I live with myself in the shape I am in is by assuring myself that I can pull myself together and do what needs to be done when it matters.

To me, it is vitally important that those I love and cherish know that I value them and consider them important to my life. Important enough, in fact, for me to make personal sacrifices in order to be with them.

That’s now what life handed me. I got treated like I was wrong just for being alive, let alone having needs and desires of my own.

I’m basically the puppy who was bought as a gift but quickly wore out his welcome once he stopped being cute and nobody wanted to put in the work of caring for him so everyone started just ignoring him as much as possible and only with great reluctance receives the bare minimum of care required to keep him alive, and even that comes with a great big dose of resentment.

The puppy understands none of this, of course. It only knows that at first people were nice to it then it did something and they stopped loving him and so now he desperately tries to be as cute and appealing as he can in hopes of getting that love back.

But people don’t back down from resentment. In their minds. the puppy (now a dog) is a pest and a nuisance and an unwanted and unwelcome burden, and in their heart of hearts they wish the dog would just die or go away so they wouldn’t have to deal with it any more and things could go back to the way they were.

So the dog wags his tail super hard any time so much as looks his way, and learns to blend in with the furniture and stay out of everyone’s way as much as possible so that they don’t get mad at him when he reminds them that they still have him.

That’s pretty much what my childhood was like at home. It’s sort of what it was like at school, too, but even I know better than to try to stretch the metaphor that far.

Something about obedience school? Meh. Not worth it.

Because that was my childhood, it is very important to me to give others what I did not get myself. I try my best to let people know I cherish and value them.

And the desire to do so hits me in these sudden. desperate waves because I am such a lonely little satellite and I never know when I will come within communications range of one of the people in my life so if I want to get my vitally important emotional information transmitted to them, I have to do it immediately or I will lose my chance.

And losing my chance to tell people I love them would crush me.

It’s not an unfounded worry, either. I can be very remote and disconnected. I would not blame someone if they thought I didn’t give a damn about them because I had drifted so far away from them and seemed to be in no hurry to get back.

In fact, I imagine some people think I have forgotten them entirely. and that must be hard on them as I am such a warm, bright light when I am focusing on them.

But then I wander off and people might well be like “So WTF was that?”.

All I can say is that I do not do this kind of thing on purpose. I mentally wander whether I want to or not. It takes reinforcement to keep me in one place and if I am not getting that from someone, I will wander off in search of it.

That may seem heartless to some. It’s hard to argue that it is not at least somewhat mercenary of me.

But it’s not like I have no loyalty. I will patiently wait for someone if I feel like I can trust them to get back to me in a timely fashion.

But sooner or later, the darkness will come back for me, and I will have to seek out a new source of the heat and light I so desperately lack that I need to get it from an outside source or I will simply fade away.

My real crime is that I lack the ability to ask for attention when I am feeling neglected. I just drift away instead. That’s a weakness of mine and I am not proud of it.

But it’s how I am nevertheless. I will be very happy to see the person I was waiting for when they finally show up. but they should not be surprised if I have cozied up with someone else in the meantime.

It’s just how I am built.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.