I wasn’t sure what to write about tonight and was thinking a life update might be in order, but thebn I thought of that title and I loved it so much it sealed the deal.

 

Anyhow, tonight, I will do one of my rare but always boring life updates in a vain attempt to give myself the impression that I do things.

Ignore the negativity, folks,. When I say stuff like that, it’s purely to let the bad stuff out.

It actually makes me feel a lot better. How messed up is that?

So, life. Loathe it or ignore it. What’s up in mine recently.

Well I am finally getting aroud to selling that Xbox One S : Minecraft Edition that I won last Xmas from the McDonald’s Monopoly game.

I put it up for sale on the local craigslist and got five offers almost immediately. I was pleased because my depression was telling me that nobody would response, that I was asking for too much money ($200), and that it would all end in heartbreak and ruin.

Now you know why it took me so long to get around to selling the damned thing.

Now I have never sold anything online before, so I didn’t know what to expect. And the first thing that surprised me was something that is obvious if I tell you about it but that had never occurred to me before putting something up for sale and getting multiple offers on it.

Namely, that now I had to choose who got it.

That wasn’t a responsibility or a decision I had anticipated, even though, as I said, it seems pretty obvious to me now.

Honestly, I blame the depression. When you don’t think you will even get one offer, the last thing that will occur to you is what to do with multiple offers.

SO I experienced a short but painful period of existential strife and self-pity before making the obvious decision to do it on a first come first served basis.

Should there have been -‘s in that phrase?

So I contacted the first person who offered. And then I encountered the second unexpected problem : what if said person tends to be somewhat of a flake?

Nothing horrible, kust taking like two or three days to respond to an email. That drags things out in a most annoying fashion and makes it impossible to actually schedule a time to meet up and do the deal because by the time she replies, whatever date and time I have suggested has passed into the past.

I got so frustrated that I actually contacted the next person in line to buy the thing. Bad idea, because what if she actually emails me after that?

And she did. So I had to tell the second person um, nope, sorry. Lesson learned.

I think I am closing in on the deal now. She has given me her phone number in the latest email, so if push comes to shove, I can call her.

That will take a bit of doing, given my social anxiety, but I have a very powerful medicine to help called MONEY.

Calling a stranger becomes way easier when there’s two hundred bucks in it for me. Makes that hesitation just melt away,.

For the most part.

So I will call her tomorrow afternoon and see when is good for her. That’s if she doesn’t email me back before then, which seems probable.

I want the money dammit!

And I am proud of myself for going through with it at last. I did it like I often do things lately, by more or less grabbing myself by the scruff of the neck and tossing myself into it faster than my fears could stop me.

It’s a harsh image, but apt.

I’ve called it “kamikaze mode” in the past because in order to do this kind of thing, I have to put myself in a state of mind where I don’t give a fuck about the consequences, I am throwing myself into it shouting “Banzai!” and hoping to die for my Emperor.

In a strictly metaphorical sense, of course.

And I amd glad I have this mode. It lets me short circuit all the fear and hesitation and paranoia that normally keeps me from doing stuff and just go’er.

But it might also be called “fanatic mode” because it is a lot like a brief attack of mania in that I feel great in a way that could be quite dangerous because in that state, I am immune to fear and capable of anything.

I’m riding the thrill of the moment, the sheer insanity of it all, and that’s a scary place to have to go just to make a freaking phone call.

But ya know…. I do like I do.

In other news, I also finally got around to the medical testing my GP assigned me a month ago and which I pertly asserted I would do the next day.

It went fine. One thing I noted was that the lab near where I live had been rearranged to be a heck of a lot more like the health center I used to go to as a child.

Gone were the little examing-room niches with their harshly clinical feel and gone was the office minimalist look of the decor too.

Instead, all was wooden partitions and carpets and nice ladies with warm smiles.

I instantly felt at ease. It was like I had redecorated it myself. I know how people like me can be made nervous by an excess of the clinical look.

It’s not a rational thing. Rationally, you would think I would want everything to be as gleamingly antisceptic as possible so that I am sure I will not get infected.

But no. What I want is a place that seems warm and human, like it’s someone’s living room that just happens to have a bunch of little stations where people just happen to be there to take your blood or whatever.

To top it off, the nice lady who took my blood did so with such smooth efficiency and accuracy that I barely felt a thing.

For someone who has the kind of veins that like to hide and therefore has a lot of memories of inexpect phlebotomists stabbing again and again, and even wriggling the damn thing around in there in search of my blood.

It is amazing that, after all that, I am still not afraid of needles. I am not happy about them but they do not scare me like they do some people.

There was also an issue with not having a urine sample in me because I foolishly took a leak on the way out of my therapist’s office, but I solved that via a method I will delicatelty describe as “one thing squeezing another” And it worked like a charm.

So everything was fab. That was a good day.

I look forward to the next one.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.