I had a really good idea for what I would talk about today. It was something big and important that would require me to really dig deep into my psychological damage and look at it in a way I had never done before and that I really didn’t want to talk about.

That’s how I know I have hit psychological paydirt. When I feel that fearful “I don’t want to go there” resistance. That’s a sure sign that I have found something  big.

And I then, of course, steer right towards it. There’s benefits to being psychologically strange and the ability to make a choice like that is one of them.

I don’t resist therapy. I don’t shy away from the really deep bad stuff.  I know from experience that growth does not come without catching up on one’s delayed suffering. .I am perfectly willing to pay the price.

This is a rather bizarre outlook, I would imagine. Most people are nowhere near as self-aware and reflective and in tune with psychology as me. On that level, I am a far easier patient to deal with than many others.

On the other hand, my issues are products of my extraordinary mind and you have to be pretty on the ball to keep up with me.

So it probably evens out.

It would suck to have a therapist who could not keep up and needed everything explained to them. In fact, I would simply stop going. That kind of therapist would be worse than useless to me. I would have to request someone new.

Luckily, Doctor Costin can keep up with me even when I am going pretty fast compared to how slow I go for average people.

It’s nowhere near my top speed. I have never gone my top speed. Nothing in my life has ever demanded it and I am way too scared to experiment with it on my own.

That’s the sort of thing that could destroy my sanity if I was not careful. What sanity I have is held together by chicken wire and good intentions anyway. I sure as hell don’t want to test that shit at high speeds.

Anyhow. Where was I? Oh right.

I had a great idea then I forgot it. So what else is new/

It’s like my mind is a fast-flowing river and the things I forget are the things that get washed away by it. If I truly want to remember something, I have to slow everything down and make a specific and concentrated effort to store it, and then bring everything back to full power again.

And I hate doing that, which is why I am so reluctant to do it, and end up not doing it even when I should. It feels weird and unnatural and wrong and as we all know from my comments about the prospect of a dumb therapist. I hate to slow down for anything.

I have always been running on a much faster CPU than most people. I have had to patiently wait for everyone else to catch up since my first day of school.

Remember, I was the kid who did his classwork in like two minutes then spent the rest of the class bored out of his mind. I also had to sit there while the teacher explained for the third time something I understood the first time.

Lectures can be excrutiating for me for just that reason. I realized when going to Kwantlen that the main reason I ask a lot of questions in class and have a tendency to dominate class discussions that I have to fight again is that asking questions keeps me from being bored. It keeps me engaged in the class and ups the mental stimulation level of the class for me.

Of course, everyone else wishes I would STFU already.

So a lot of the time when I was attending lectures, even at VFS, I was thinking “Get on with it already! Get to the new information! I got it the first time!”.

Like I have said before, it’s kind of like I have ADHD, but only the mental part of it.

Or, to put it in a less medically offensive way, I have a super fast mind and traditional education methods simply provide the information fast enough to keep up.

It’s like I am always at the DMV from Zootopia :

Luckily, I have friends who can keep up with me just fine. I don’t have to slow down for them apart from the amount I slow down for everyone so that I don’t end up sounding like a babbling lunatic like the kid from the coffee scene in Iron Giant.

I honestly can’t imagine what it would be like to truly run at top speed. Like I said above, all I see in my head is me turning into a babbling lunatic because no matter how fast the mind goes, the rest of the brain has to be able to keep up or everything goes screwy.

Hmmm. That might explain a lot of my problems, come to think of it.

There have certainly been times ibn my life when mental stimulation and excitement have boosted my brain speed to such a high level that when I finally stop, I get a very sharp dose of that “strapped to the front of a runaway train” feeling.

Oh, what the hell.

Like that, only at 3X speed.

And that is scary as hell. In fact, it feels like that runaway train just ran right off of a cliff and I am in the moments before gravity overcomes its forward momentum.

In a cartoon, it would be that moment when the character is hanging in midair because they ran off the edge of a cliff and only just remembered gravity.

I dream, though, of a job that could absorb everything I cna throw at it and really put all this mental muscle of mine to good use.

Maybe then, I could sleep better at night.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.