So, my sleep has become terrible again.

That means I am going to have to take a Trazadone some time soon. Dammit. I have been enjoying this period of natural sleep but it is clear to my now that the problem that got me onto sleeping pills in the first place has returned and I have to take the pill until I get some fucking sleep.

Right now, I can’t stay asleep for more than an hour and a half. That is Bad. Human beings need deep REM sleep and that takes a while to get to, so one cannot live on napping alone. Not for long, anyhow.

You brain needs time to process the contents of your medium term memory and transfer them into long term memory.

Without tha, I suppose one might lose all memory of the day’s events every time one slept. That would be a terrible medical condition but a heck of an interesting setup for some Memento-like mystery movie.

Or just a particularly interesting piece of epistelary storytelling via the device of this poor person’s frantic attempts to write everything that happens down so they can read it later and find out what the fuck they have been up to.

Imagine what lengths this poor person would go to in order to avoid sleep.

Could be very dramatic.

Anyhow, back to my own problem. I don’t like taking my Trazadone because it makes it harder to wake up in the morning. Plus, my natural, non-chemical sleep seems to get the job done better.

By that. I mean the sleep I get that way is more refreshing and restorative and filled with that deep down satisfying feeling I only get from decent natural sleep.

Or at least, I did until recently.

Of course, it could be that I am in one of my rare hypo-hypo-manic phases. I repeat the prefix because it is like real hypomania in kind but nowhere near it in intensity.

More’s the pity. The real thing sounds like fun. Loads of energy and confidence and such. Like being on the world’s most natural stimulant.

I call this state mania because, while I am not chock a block with confidence and enthusiasm, I do feel quite alert and perky. I am not sleepy at all and were I less self-aware and cautious, I might just go with it and have fun and let the question of when I am going to actually sleep be tomorrow’s worry.

But I have been here before. I know the madness it can bring. There have been times in my life when I lived my life that way, bouncing between bed and computer, awake for two hours then napping for one.

And as long as you don’t really think about it (which is way easier when you are young) you can fool yourself into thinking everything is fine. After all, you’re getting the same amount of sleep as a normal person, it’s just distributed differently. Right?

Wrong. So very very wrong.

Because that whole time, something very vital ito your sanity is draining away.  You can feel it going. It’s like you’re running on emergency batteries and you can feel them running out, even though everything is running fine right now.

In reality, it’s not something running out,. it’s sometime filling up. Your medium term memory. Eventually, it is full and the brain has to compress the contents more and more in order to make room for new memories, and that can get pretty freaky.

I’ve ended up in some rather fucked up and unpleasant mental states that way. Ones where I feel like I am walking along the razor’s edge of sanity… and I’m drunk.

So no. I will be taking an active interest in getting that sleep ASAP. It might be chemically induced and unnatural, but it beats the hell out of going nuts.

Moreso than usual, that is.

I can’t remember ever being good at sleeping. Even as a small child, I had trouble getting to sleep. Perhaps it’s a side effect of my supercharged mind, I don’t know. But falling asleep has always been a long and tricky process for me.

I get the feeling childhood neglect might have played a role there too. It could be that something went wrong during the period where I was “learning to sleep” – I didn’t get enough of whatever emotional nutrients I needed – and that fucked things up.

But it’s probably the supercharged brain thing. It took me a long long time to learn to handle a mind that is racing at top speed even though I am extremely sleepy.

That’s a horrible state of mind right there. Too sleepy to actually do anything, like read or play a game or whatever, and yet unable to actually get to sleep.

Instead, my mind races to nowhere on a hamster wheel three sizes too small and a voice in my head is silently screaming like an abandoned infant.

Funny hwo that image sprung so easily to mind.

As is, I don’t exactly have a normal sleep schedule. I nap. Once in the afternoon, once in the evening. I know why I do it. It’s an anti-anxiety reflex. By going down for a nap, I dump out my accumulated stress and can start over when I wake.

That keeps the background anxiety level within acceptable levels.

It would be different if I had things to do. Like a job. The kind that takes place somewhere other than my bedroom, where I can go from sitting at this computer to lying in bed without even standing up.

Then I would have to get my poop in a group and develop normal sleeping habits. And it would be a tough transition. Large quantities of diet cola would be involved.

Some people have Starbucks, I have Diet Coke. Don’t judge me just because the way I get my caffiene isn’t “cool”!

Okay, I am clearly beginning to lose my mind. Time for a nap.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.