This is going to hurt. But it;s got to be done.
Ahem. To whom it may concern :
My life as it is right now is fine.
And if this is what my life is going to be like till the day I die, that’s fine too.
I have a good life here. I have video games to play, good friends to hang out with in the real world, still more good friends to hang out with online, enough money to cover my needs with enough left over to indulge myself from time to time. I have this blog to use as an outlet for my creative talents.
And I still have many years of life in which to enjoy all those things.
So this is good. This is fine. I hereby embrace my current life and accept it for what it is. For what I have, I feel truly grateful and consider myself to be truly blessed.
I open myself to all my blessings and love myself for doing so. I am raising all the blinds to let the sunshine into my soul, and opening all the windows so that the cool breeze can make me feel whole and good and clean again.
I immerse myself in clean waters so that my sins may be washed away and I might be born anew in the fresh light of a new dawn.
I sing my joy into the heavens.
I speak my truths into the wise old ears of trees.
I gallop laughing through green and open fields so that I am child and beast again.
I wrap my loving arms around the warm sunrise so it can lift me higher as I press its holy warmth and love into my soul
I weep my sorrows into the river Lethe which bears them to the silent sea
I hurl my anger into the sky and split the heavens with its power
I shiver my fear into the warm strong earth and let it be consumed in life’s furnace
I feed all my bits and pieces of broken thoughts and frctured feelings and dreams that died a-birthing into the eternal fires of the void to be utterly consumed
I surrender all that I have in order to become who I am.
I am allowed to be happy.
I deserve all the good things life has to offer.
I am a good and wholesome thing and the world welcomes the light I give
People are happy to see me and want me around.
I am a splendid shining spinning star, and my colors are the colors of hope
My heart is a bird that soars through cloudless blue skies and dwells in strange climes on perches nobody else can see
My mind is a wizard with a hat full of wonders and miracles to spare
My soul is golden song sung by a lone minstrel on a cool summer morning as he roams
And my body is a forgotten temple to an ancient god who is ready to return
Life is a good and happy place and I am glad to be here and glad to be alive.
And I can’t wait to see what comes next.
Some of us have no choice but to invent our own religion.
Well that went to an interesting place, didn’t it?
There’s some pretty good poetry in there. More importantly. I think this exercise in positivity has been good for me. I think I opened some doors in my mind that really needed opening and laid the foundation of a brighter, stronger, happier me.
And it starts with believing – truly believing – that it is possible.
And that means moving away from thinking of myself as a flawed, broken, diseased, and toxic thing, and learning to think of myself as something good and pure and strong and wonderful to behold.
And under that, believing that I deserve to do so.
because there is nothing wrong with me. Repeat until believed : I have nothing to be ashamed of. I am a good person who makes people happy just by being around and being myself. People like me, and for good reason. I am an amazing kind of guy.
Most people can’t shine like I do. I need to remember that.
I am blessed with an abundance of natural gifts like intelligence, creativity, and wit, and to top it all off I am also a heck of a nice fellow who truly cares about people.
The things I hate myself for are things beyond my control and what is worse, the very act of hating myself for them keeps them in place.
So I forgive myself. For everything. Carte blanche. I have done the best I could with what I have, and will continue to do so till the day I die.
And that’s all that can be expected of anyone.
Maybe some day I will find my way out of this darkly enchanted forest of mine and finally emerge into the light of day and feel the sun on my skin.
And maybe I won’t. That’s okay too. I accept my life and myself as they are, without reservation or judgment.
Because I am worthy of love. I deserve forgiveness and compassion. I am entitled to the mercy of the court. I have earned my place in the sun just by making it this far.
And I cna be the strong, happy, and joyously free person I feel inside me. That’s the real me. Depression is just something that happened to me, it doesn’t define me.
I am more than my emotions.
I am more than my bad memories.
I am more than the flawed chemicals in my head.
I am more than my disease wants me to be.
But I am tired of living according to the rules imposed by my anxiety.
And I am sick of waiting around to be happy.
So from now on, I will devote myself to making myself happy.
Or i will die trying.
I will talk to you nice people again toimorrow.