Once more, I am blogging in a state of mind scientifically known as “crappy”.
Extra crappy, actually, because I took my sleeping pill, Trazadone, before going to bed last night. I hardly ever take it any more because it makes waking up a lot harder and I can sleep without it.
But I hadn’t been sleeping well at all lately, so I figured I had better make sure I got my solid five hours of sleep.
And that was probably a very intelligent and grownup thing to do.,
But it sure as fuck doesn’t feel like it at the moment.
Been pondering my physical health. A depressing subject, to be sure, but one any enlightened hedonist like myself must dealt with.
After all, I am on a mission to make myself happy, and feeling ill all the time is like, the opposite of that. So I am pondering reasonable, well defined, achievable improvements in self-care that might makes me a healthier and happier fellow.
It’s not an easy problem to solve, and not just because my brain is all clogged up with sleep and drugs right now.
There’s the obvious stuff. Test my blood. Use insulin to adjust it. Exercise. Spend more time on the balcony soaking up some sunshine so that I both get the light my circadian inputs get calibrated and so my body can make some vitamin D.
And I really need the D. I need it bad.
And all these things seem easy enough to do on paper but it is hard to ponders how realistic they are in practices because there is always that terrible fear waiting in my psyche to shut things down when it comes time to actually do things.
Or even think about doing them in any but the most abstract of terms. As soon as intention is formed, the whole idea dies a horrible and strangulated death.
So the trick is the think smaller, and that’s not something that comes naturally to me. I am a big picture, big ideas kind of dude. Focusing down to that level of smallness gives me the mental equivalent of an eye strain headache.
Perhaps I am making things too complicated for myself. I do that a lot. my mind wants puzzles to solve so bad that I can end up generating problems for myself that make life a lot harder than it needs to be.
Sometimes inventing your own fun can be hazardous to your mental health. Especially when you forget that it is you making things difficult and not life itself.
I often find myself pondering the emptiness of my world and my life. How very little real world content there is in my soul. How empty my life has been.
It is a depressing subject but there are too many big emotions buried there for me to ignore it. I have to feel all that isolation and loneliness and recognize and accept that I have missed most of life in favour of hiding away from the world and consuming media.
In fact, I want to do more than recognize is,. I want to embrace and accept it. That’s the only way the healing can begin.
Time for a nap.
I guess that nap was worth it.
So here goes. I hereby embrace and accept all the isolation I have experienced, along with all the pain and fear that comes with it.
Come to me, pain. I love you too. Come inside and stay a while.
I know that I have structured my entire life around ignoring you. you were always there, trying to get my attention, but I kept myself isolated and distracted in order to keep you all locked up inside me.
It let me pretend you were not there or that you did not matter.
Boy, does that sound familiar.
So I froze you out. But I know who you are now. You’re the pain from all the loneliness I have suppressed. You’re all the healthy instincts I was too scared to even recognize as existing let alone actually act on. You’re the social creature inside me that has been desperately trying to be born for more than forty years.
You’re all the tender tendrils reached out to connect with other only to be clain before even truly being born by a killier frost.
So know that I know you, pain. And that the wall has come down and the door is open and it is time for you to come inside and tell me what you want me to hear.
I even made tea.
There, that should help. A lot of the walls inside me have to come down and that which they separate has to be allowed to flow together and combine, as uncomfortable as that process may turn out to be.
I know that when I finish blogging today., I am going to want to go back to sleep yet again. But I can’t. I just don’t have the time. I have to get into the shower to get ready for FRED in less than an hour and a half, and after that will be FRED then hanging out with my friends till midnight.
So I am not going to get another chance to sleep fot at least eight hours, and that suuuuucks. It sucks because it means I have to do something I hate to do which is to force myself to stay awake when I am sleepy.
Says something about my life that I rarely end up having to do that.
I hate doing it because it’s so stressful. And it puts mne in a mind state I hate, namely being too sleepy to think but forced to deal with reality anyway.
I suppose I could skip FRED this time. The idea is very tempting. I really do not feel up to going. but I know that there is only going to be La Gang plus Teresa, so as far as I know, there’s only going to be 5 people there.
I would feel guilty if I reduced that to 4.
Maybe I will find my alarm clock so I cna take a napo. I dunno.
But I am sure I will figure something out.
After all, I’m a genius.
But I sure don’t feel like one right now.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.