Here we go. Affirmation time.
Right now, I feel terrible. I just woke up around `20 minutes ago, ergo I feel like used shit. My stomach feels like it’s full of rocks, my head is pounding to the kind of savage jungle beat that means the white hero is in VERY big trouble, I have an ache in my balls feels like they have been stepped on by an elephant, and I feel woozy and dizzy and thorough discombobulated, deranged, and depressed.
And just how am I supposed to get myself combobulated, ranged, and pressed at a price I can afford on a Sunday?
But here is the thing. This is the affirmation part : I am still an awesome dude.
Nothing intrinsic to me has changed. I am still the same ol’ wonderful Fru as ever. Feeling bad does not make me bad. My identiyu remains the same.
And it’s a pretty good one.
Patient readers know that this is where I am, psychologically. I am at the point where it is time to establish a solid and unchanging identity that is immune to the wild vascillations of my inner maelstorm.
The storm may rage but the real me is safe inside the solid brick edifice that is my new sense of identity. no matter what is going on on the outside, who I truly am does not change, and I can sit in front of my big bay window in my dressing gown with a cup of hot cocoa and a cat to pet and look out at all that chaos and laugh to think that I once thought that had anything to do with me.
What a silly notion. Fuck the chaos. No matter how I feel, I am still one amazing dude, and that is what really matter. I am smart, funny, sweet, creative, insightful, imaginative, and downright adorable, and I am never going to forget that again.
That settles THAT.
Now the question is : how goes one go about being a sick awesome person?
By staying positive, I think. Like the wise philosopher Honey Bear says :
Even when I feel like crying
And I can’t find the sun
Still I know it’s always shining
And I’ll feel it when the rain is done
Now that’s a kind of faith I can get behind. Simple, undemanding, reassuring, life affirming, and scientifically accurate.
I mean, the sun really does shine all the time, whether we can feel it at the moment or not. It’s a star, they don’t have an off switch and they are certainly not subject to anyone’s mood swings.
There’s sunshine in my heart. It’s always there.
And it makes me a sweet, sweet honey….. fox.
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Something interesting has been developing lately : I seem to be naturally progressing towards eating half as much twice and often.
You know, eating every three hours instead of six without increasing total food intake? It is something that is recommended both for diabetes and good health in general. The idea is that our bodies are not designed for large binge meals.
Our primate ancestors, after all, were opportunistic snackers, not intermittent feasters.
And lately, I have been getting full before my deal is done. So I end up with leftovers, and then a few hours later, I am hungry again, and eat the leftovers.
This is a fairly radical change for me as I have been a ‘clean plate’ type all my life. And so I am struggling to ignore that imperative (EAT IT ALL) and listen to what my body tells me it actually wants.
Needed me a nap.
God, do I get tired of being tired. Depression is such a drag. I mean, here I am, brain the size of a planet….
I wantg to put that on a T-shirt and wear it. I am pretty sure that whoever owns Douglas Adams’ estate right now would not sue me for borrowing one of Marvin the Paranoid Android’s catchphrases. And it reallty does express how I feel a lot of the time.
Especially now that I am permanently awesome. Here I am, this amazing guy with amazing talents, and due to depression slash anxiety (anxession? depriety?), all I use my massive talents on is video games and writing this blog.
Not to knock this blog or anything. As patient readers know, this blog is my lifeline and without it, my emotions would have no outlet and I would be a far, far more depressed person. At least with the blog and my commitment to it, some of that massive massy burden of social damage I keep talking about gets aired out and melted every day.
But writinjg these little messages in a a bottle of mine and setting themt to float out on the evening tide is not getting me any closer to that candy colored dream of actual employment in my chosen field9s0.
Or hell, employment period. Right now, I would take damned near any job that I thought I was physically capable of doing.
For example,. I would love to be a cashier/clerk in a small business again. I enjoyed that work except when there were no customers. I like interacting with the customers and I loved having people need things from me that I could actually supply.
You have no idea how much that means to me. I am so used to thinking I am useless that it was a real shot in the arm to have a job where I can successfully do things for people, even if it’s just taking their money and making change.
The point is, it is frustrating to know that I have all this awesomeness stored up inside me and know that I can’t use it to get what I want from life because of stupid lousy depression slash anxiety.
If only I knew the sort of people who would see my potential and push me to use it and do things like show my work to people who might want to hire me.
Or even just say ‘attaboy’.
I really need some encouragement.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.