Just woke up, ergo I feel wretchedly horribly awful.
And you know what? I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve all the pain in my life from all my health issues. I have done the best I could to make it this far and it has not been easy. Whne you have depressiobn, every fucking day it battle just to stay sane and make it through the day without being a threat to yourself and/or others.
My sleep apnea makes waking up a treat, and is definitelycausing me harm. Smothering dozens of times every time you sleep can do that to a fella. CPAP didn’t work for me and my doctor doesn’t seem to think there are any alternatives (even thought I know there are) and so I guess I will just keep on suffering until one of these times I just plain don’t wake up.
Like The Gambler said, the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep.
He probably assumed you’d be real old when it happened though.
The vascillations of my diabetes do a good jbo of making sure I stand no chance of experiencing emotional stability. Not to mention whatever damage it is doing to my organs. So if the sleep apnea doesn’t get me, the diabetes will.
And sooner rather than later.
Throw in my sinus issues, my Irritable Bowel Syndrome, my huge pores, and the entierly untreated umbilical hernia lurking in my gut, and it is a wonder that I function as well as I do. Most people, given my list of ailments, would simply collapse.
But oh no, not me. I am “smarter” than that, “tougher” than that. No matter what happens,. I just keep going.
I can’t afford to collapse. Not when I know there will be mobody to help me up again. When you were left to more or less raise yourself and have absolutely no faith that anyone will notice let alone care if you crash and burn, you don’t have the luxury of falling apart when things get to be too much.
Even if that would be the best thing for you. I would probably benefit from a total breakdown. I have been running this goddamned nonstop marathon for so long that I am falling apart and desperately need to perform important maintenance on mkyself, but that can only happen if I stop and rest and put myself in dry dock for a while.
And I just can’t. I can’t risk it. I have absolutely no faith in my ability to get started again when the repairs are done and I know damned well that there will be abolutely nobody to give me a push to get me going again, so I just can’t risk it.
Or so my depression tells me, anyhow, and at the moment I am too tired to argue,
I spend a lot of my time aggressively ginoring and filtering out a lot of pain. Pain in various forms and on various levels.
And I didn’t do a damned thing to deserve any of it.
Back after a nap. Back to feeling like crap. Lovely.
I am sleepy all he time lately. Especially during the day and ESPECIALLY especially in the afternoon. It’s very frustrating to be sleepy all the god damned time,.
Like even right now, when I woke up from my nap not more than five minutes ago, I really really want to lay back down and sleep even more. It’s like it never stops.
The only time I feel truly awake is in those wee hours of the morning when everyone else is asleep and it’s just mke and the computer and my god damned video games.
My current addiction is Elder Scrolls Online, aka ESO. It is more or less the next game in the Elder Scrolls series of games and is thus a sort of sequel to Skyrim.
You remember Skyrim. The game that prompted me to fall into a deep dark hole due to its massive mod community which included all kinds of fun sextimes options?
I’d been feeling the urge to re-install it lately, which probably would have been Bad. SO it was good that this new game came along and offered me a free trial and got me hooked on IT instead.
It’s much safer for me (and a lot less fun, granted) because it does not have a massive modding community producing enormous quantitites of free content on a daily basis. It was designed specifically to prevent those kinds of the shenanigans.
Part of me hopes that the nerd hive mind cracks that problem and starts making free form mods for ESO, but that is highly unlikely because ESO, being an MMORPG, has a single persistent world and that requires a constant connection to the Internet, and that can be used to make sure you don’t go adding content without the company’s approval.
Plus, because it’s s shared world, it could be pretty confusing to have things exist in one person’s version of the shared world but not in everyone else’s.
So I am safe from Skyrim’s 80,000 mod universe, with nudity and humping and everything, for the time being at least.
The only things users can officially mod is the interface. as far as I can tell. I haven’t gotten around to installing any of those kind of mods yet, but I am going to do so soon becauise the limitations of the default interface are beginning to really irritate me.
It’s a far cry from the Bad Old Days but it is still fundamentally a really good game. Especially because a lot of the things I used to need a mod for have been integrated into the new game by default.
I have already paid $15 CDN for the game itself. Eventually I will buy the expansion, Summerset, for $40 CDN, which more or less quadruples the size of the shared world.
But there is no rush for that. I have plenty to do in the default game yet.
And I am having a lot of fun.
Which is, in a way, the problem.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.