I’m rather pleased with how bad I feel right now.

Because I know what it is : the urge to act is rising in me. And for once in my life, I am not pushing it back down and making it obey me. I am, instead. letting it fester and grow until Something Happens.

Hopefully something good, but right now, I am not feeling too picky. I will take what comes as long as it catalyzes some positive change within me and doesn’t end with me being homeless or in jail.

Because I al really fucking sick of this stupid life of mine. I want… no, I need to escape it. And that means that clutch of fear that has been holding me back has got to GO. That feeling of queasy panic I get when I contemplate going eventhe tiniest bit out of my miniscule comfort zone can’t keep being the boss of me forever.

And my loathing for the insipid voice in my head that keeps insisting everything is fine grows more potently poisonous every day.

Because it’s not fine. I need to grow and spread my wings and leave this fouled and fetid nest of mine and go out there to find my flock.

Or at least a job I can competently perform and get paid for.

And no more tormenting myself with what I “could” be doing. I’m wise to that trick now. My depression turns “could” into “should” and then “should” becomes yet another reason to hate myself because there must be something horribly wrong with me – I must be the worst person in the world – if there are all these things I “could” be doing and all I do is play video games instead.

Fuck off and die, depression. I hate you so much.

It’s no mystery why I spend all day playing ESO. It’s because while I am doing so, I am happy, or at the very least fully occupied and therefore not subject to the million and one torments my mind inflicts on me when it has spare CPU cycles to work with.

So I play ESO all day because it is a way for me to feel safe. I am safe from my inner demons as long as I keep my mind full of stimulation and distraction.

A therapist, hearing this, would no doubt consider themselves quite clever when they said that the solution is obviously to find a way for me to feel safe outside of my distractions and stimulations.

Well DUH. But I don’t see that happening any time soon. Not until I am strong enough to murder my fears and thus face facing the world in realtime HD for once.

I am working a different angle right now. I am trying the “energy absorbing villain” strategy from so many episodes of my childhood faves.

That’s where the hero or heroes realize that they can’t beat the energy absorbing villain the usual way because no matter how they attack he/she/it, they just absorb the energy from it then laugh cruelly.

So they switch tactics and start pouring all available energy into the villain and that overloads the villain’s ability to absorb and/or contain the energy, and they go bing and the heroes pat themselves on the back for a job well done.

Well, depression’s my energy sucking villain, and I fully intend to pour more life energy into it than it can absorb, and overload it Blast it to pieces if I can. I have handed my id a blank cheque to gather all the energy it can from the world and from all that suppressed energy inside me and use it to blast that mass of pain and fear and other such bullshit that has been holding me back into teeny tiny pieces.

I might not be exactly the same person when all is said and done. This process is going to produce a new kind of consciousnss in me and that generally shifts identity along with it, or at least personality.

I am fine with that. It’s not like being exactly who I am right now is working out great for me anyhow. I’m over worrying that I will become some kind of terrible person. That was always just a ghost puppet my depression used to scare me away from overcoming it.

I have enough faith in who I truly am to see through such petty bullshit now. I know that I am a very nice fellow right down to my emotional core and that is not going to change no matter how shaken up my identity gets.

I just love being nice way too much!

But even if I did have to become somewhat of a dick in order to be free, it’s a price I am willing to pay.

Because when it really comes down to it, I would rather be a happy asshole than a miserable nice guy.

I have a lot of assertion of self to do. I need to set my limits and I can’t guarantee this will be done in a gentle and considerate way. Like any (much delayed) adolescent, I am figuring things out as I go as I deal with powerful and previously untapped forces within me, and total self control is not my highest priority right now.

Self realization is.

So go ahead, depression. Make me feel terrible. Make me scared of the world. Make me feel like there is no point to anything and that everything is too hard.

I eat that shit for breakfast now. And turn it into the fuel I need to fight you. I am learning to recycle, bitch, and that means all this stored up emotion is being turned into the ammunition I will use to slay you.

So burn, bitch, BURN. I will roast you out of me like I am sweating out a fever if that is what it takes. I will suffer the fires of hell if that’s what it takes. I will tear out my guts and stomp on them if that is what it takes.

In short, I will do whatever it takes to get rid of you.

So pack your fucking bags. You’re on the way OUT.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow,