I took a step outside my comfort zone today.

I applied for this :

And my application reads like this :

Dear Ins and Kevin :

No, that’s too familiar.

To whomsoever it may concern :

Nope, too far the other way. Um.

Greetings, fellow Earthlings!

Nope, wrong audience.

Hey there…. um…. you :

Eh, it’ll have to do.

My name is Michael Bertrand, or if we’re going by porn names, Hercules Thunderpants.

I am a product of childhood neglect and the VFS Writing for Movies and Television program.

Those two things may be related.

Attached you will find that I have included a spec script for Bob’s Burgers I wrote when I was at VFS. I welcome any and all thoughts about it, but if you have issues about how I have characterized Lousie, I will fight you.

Also included are two episodes of the original show I developed at VFS, a series called Sam. It’s about a boy genius who has to go to elementary school for the first time at age ten. And hilarity ensues.

I have not included a resume because I have absolutely no industry-relevant experience besides VFS and what irrelevant job experience I have is from so long ago, it would depress you.

And that’s no way to start a professional relationship, is it? With sadness?

Here’s my bio, though

Michael Bertrand is a real live human being who lives in Richmond, BC and writes things. Originally from a town you’ve never heard of (Summerside) in a province of which you are only peripherally aware (Prince Edward Island), he has lived in the GVRD for almost exactly 20 years and used to miss snowy winters but then remembered they suck. His hobbies include video games, overthinking things, brain science, thinking super snarky things without saying them, and eating food. While he is, most tragically, both white and male, he is also gay, obese, and suffers from depressions, so perhaps he can be forgiven. He loves cats.

Tell me if that is too long. I do tend to go on and on.

Now what am I forgetting. Oh right! Cover letter thingy.

This workshop will help me reach my professional goals and aid my development by giving me the opportunity to rub elbows (platonically) with other people in the industry and learn how the real professionals do it (platonically).

I think that’s everything. I can bang together a resume if absolutely necessary but it will be tragically short on content. Anything else you need, just ask and if it is within my power to grant, it will be yours.

No, YOU are trying too hard!

Wow, that is 415 words. I really DO go on and on.

Anyhow, I am quite pleased with myself both for applying and for the way I did it, because I did it my way, dammit. I was bold and silly and funny and weird and hopefully charming as all get-out in my efforts to win a seat in that writer’s room.

Whether or not I actually get it is secondary. Obviously, I really really want it, but only on my own terms. I have realized that I have been acting like a mouse cowering in the shadow of my enormous personality, and I will be a much happier rodent if I start using said charm juggernaut (bitch) to conquer the world…. Fruvous style!

After all, I’m an amazing and uncanny and fantastic guy. Sure, illness took me off the playing field for a very long time and I am hardly off the injured list yet, but I am super smart and crazy talented and I am sure that if I can get my name and my work in front of enough gatekeepers, someone will recognize this and give me a break.

And then my adult life can officially start because I will finally have a job.

Plus, of course, a crazy little thing called money. Imagine that. I have been so poor for so long that trying to imagine having even a minimum wage income is almost like a blind man trying to imagine color at this point. Or a starving man suddenly having access to a huge buffet. It definitely seems like a wonderful thing but there are are so many things I’d want that it’s kind of overwhelming as well.

Heck, just imagining finally being self-sufficient and no longer a burden on anyone makes me feel a little giddy.

And I fully intend to use these facts as part of the sales pitch for myself. I am basically going to tell potential employers, “I’m currently living on a little under $1200/month. If you can meet or beat that, I’m yours. ”

There are probably legal reasons they can’t pay me that little, but it should get them interested in the potential profitability of associating with me nevertheless.

And should they hire me, I would be incredibly grateful. I am not some clueless millenial with only the haziest understanding of what working for a living entails. I would be grateful and loyal and doggedly protective of anyone willing to hire me.

And with my powers, that loyalty could pay off in many, many ways.

So yeah. Super glad I applied and mega glad that I did it my way. Maybe they really will be charmed by it. Maybe they will decide that I am easily the most obnoxiously overbearing and over-eager person in the world and they would rather move into the middle of a toxic waste dump than come anywhere near me. I don’t know.

Funny thought : it would be hilarious if my application came across as so obnoxious and wrong that it ended up going viral.

Hey, I’ll take it. Whatever gets my name out there.

Now that I have put myself out there in such a fun way, I am prepared to make a (tiny) commitment : I am going to apply to one thing a day for the next week, starting today.

That means that I will apply for six more things before this little jaunt of mine is true. I suspect most of them will come from UpWork, but I have finally joined the VFS Alumni Facebook group now, so they might come from there too.

I wish I had the strength to make a larger commitment now. Something with my signature brand of insanity, like applying for a thing a day for a YEAR, or somesuch. But I am not quite there yet.

Maybe after I do a week, I will be able to commit to something bigger. We will see how it goes. But for now, it’s a week.

And that’s one thing a day even if I applied for like ten things the previous day. That’s a real possibility. When I am on a roll, I tend to want to keep going. I might log in to UpWork and go nuts. It happens.

But the things do not have to be jobs to count as applying for something. In fact, apply is the wrong word. Submit might work better, and be far kinkier.

I will submit something to some gatekeeper – whether they are offering a job, running a contest, or picking Hottest Bear on Welfare – every day, up to and including next Tuesday, which is September 25.

And for verification purposes, I will report what I apply for here.

It’s high time that I show the world what a wonderful creature I am, and dazzle them with all that I can do with this amazing mind of mine.

I mean, here I am, brain the size of a planet…. surely that’s got to be worth at least some kind of living wage and a nice office somewhere.

I’d take a really shitty office too, but there would have to be a LOT more money.

The point is, I’m flexible.

This could be the start of something big.

But at the very least, it’s the start of something more interesting and fun to do than mindlessly play video games all the goddamned time.

And that’s quite enough.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.