Things have gotten neither better nor worse re : my health status.

And that’s not good enough, damn it. Not good enough.

I am not surprised there are like a million versions of that clip on YpouTube. It’s one of my favorite Picard moments, and definitely the one I have replayed the most in my head over the years.

Anyhow, I have officially reached the point where I am well and truly sick and tired of being sick and tired. This is always the worst part of being sick for me, the part where I have run out of patience and just want the bug to go the fuck away already.

It’s bad because adding anger to being sick never makes things better. It only makes things worse, and thus this is when things can get really ugly.

At least it gives me the energy to do something about it, namely go to my GP. Clearly, this illness is not going to go anywhere without some kind of external intervention. Antibiotics or whatever. Maybe just a kickass vitamin shot.

But if I am to be rid of this godforsaken pathogen, it’s going to take more than just waiting it out.

So I called to make an appointment when I got home from therapy,. But Doctor Chao is not in on Thursdays, ergo so is his receptionist. So no make-a the appointment today, and that pretty much puts the kibosh on my hopes that I would see him tomorrow.

So I will call tomorrow and make an appointment for ASAP. Although if it’s too far off, I probably will tell the receptionist to forget it because this thing I have will either be over or have put me in the hospital by then.

I’d really rather avoid the hospital if I can Even just outpatients. Hospitals are depressing places, especially for an empath like me who can pick up on all the residual negative emotions left in the air.

See also : laundromats.

But if things start getting worse, I will not hesitate. Right now, my symptoms are not very acute. I have a brief coughing jag now and then and my nose runs. Plus, of course, there’s the malaise that drains my energy away and makes me so damned depressed.

But I have had far worse. So right now, it is totally a “doctor’s visit” level issue, not a “GIT YER ASS TO THE E.R. NOW!” kind of thing.

I am no longer the young man who ignored things until they left him no choice but to pay attention to them because they had gotten so bad.

You wanna bet that I am paying really close attention to my symptoms. The fact that my poor roomie Julian ended up in the hospital with pneumonia was a real wake up call, and I am not gonna let that shit happen to me if I can help it.

Boy I hope I can help it.

Because the very idea of ending up in the hospital with tubs done my throat and into my lungs gives me a case of the screaming heebie jeebies. There is no way UI could handle it without totally flipping out and trying to yank the tubes out. They would have to restrain me to keep me from doing that, and that, of course, would only freak me out ten times worse, and so they would end up having to sedate me.

That’s the only thing that would work. Self control only goes so far, especially when you are facing what is literally one of my worst nightmares.

As in, I have had nighmares where I woke up in that exact situation. Tubes down the throat, restrained, and rapidly losing it completely.

So I am definitely keen to avoid that. I got the hot and cold sweats just thinking about it. So you can bet I am going to do this right.

Talked mostly about being sick in therapy today. Oh, and the whole “need to suffer” thing. As I suspected would be the case, this was not a concept he could absorb. He was against my inflicting pain on myself for therapeutic purposes, and I can see how from his point of view, it is something he can’t endorse.

To his mind, it was like I had told him that I planned to start cutting.

But to me, it makes perfect sense. I will trade brief, intense pain for long term soul rotting depression any day. That’s one heck of a bargain!

The question of how to get the pain without damaging myself remains a vexing one. And my therapist did make one good point : whatever it is, I could end up addicted to it, and that could have negative ramifications.

We had a low key argument about my belief that I could become an addict very easily. Give me an escape from my pain and I will take it and merge with it and get addicted to it with both enthusiasm and joy.

He didn’t agree. But he has only ever seen me as I am in his office. He correctly sees that I am the sort of person who refuses to surrender control to another.

But he was wrong to apply that to substances. I know damned well that if I get something that makes me feel better or even just provides any kind of escape, I will end up losing myself to it.

After all, that’s what Skyrim was.

So I stay away from any kind of euphoric drug. And thatinclude liquor, for the most part, not just heroin and crack. I don’t want anything to do with something that can take my pain away for a while.

I will see what I can do with the newly legal marijuana. It’s not physically addictive and it neither numbs pain nor causes euphoria, exactly. And some sources claim that it can be very effective against depression.

I just want something that can clear some of the bad chemicals out of my head and make room for good chemicals to replace them.

That shouldn’t be toio much to ask, right?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.