I fucking hate everything right now.

Which means I have entered the angry nihilism phase of my long term mood cycle, I suppose. Because I seriously give absolutely no fucks at the moment.

Everything I do seems pointless and worthless and stupid. I feel like taking all my clothes off and running screaming into the night. I feel like picking a fight with a stranger just so I would have a way to vent all this aggression. I feel like I want to grab the world by the throat and shake it till it starts making fucking sense.

maybe smack it around a little too. It knows why. Fuckin’ bitch.

This is a bad time for me. I want to level buildings and crush traffic underfoot. I want to scream in the face of everyone who has ever hurt me. I want to crush the life out of every single inner fucking demon I’ve got.

I want to leave a long trail of destruction and mow down any bullshit that confronts me.

I want to bleed hard in public.

I suppose it’s all a part of my extremely late blooming into my emotional adolesence. Being a teenagar is rough enough when you are young and strong and resilient.

When you are old and weak and sick, it’s a frigging nightmare.

I am just so tired of this bullshit life of mine. I want to hit the reset button and start over. I want to not have to live as this person in this life any more. I am tired of being me. I want to be someone else for a change.

I keep getting the urge to just cash this month’s check and disappear. just plain vanish off the facre of the Earth. Take a random Greyhound to wherever and start a new life someplace where nobody knows me and I can reinvent myself.

Because clearly, this version of me isn’t fucking working. And I am losinf faith in my ability to get to the version of me I want to be via incremental patches.

What i want most of all is to start over from scratch.

I suppose that’s the escapist in me. Because why deal with the mess I have made of my life when I can just run away and leave it for someone else to deal with?

Part of me is really that irresponsible.

But not most of me. Whether that’s a good thing or a bad thing is debatable. But as it stands, I could not do that to the people who love me. If I followed my dream and disappeared. I would leave a lot of people I care about with a terrible mystery about where I am and what I am doing and whether or not I am okay.

Something like that can be just as destructive as suicide. Worse, in some ways, because suicide at least provides a horrible kind of closure.

Vanishing like part of me wants to do would leave everything in doubt.

I could never do that to people. I have too strong a sense of responsibility for my actions. I can’t knowingly hurt people like that.

Admittedly, this greatly limits the scope of my self-actualization. Less aware and responsible people do crazy things because that is what their inner voice tells them they have to do in order to evolve all the time.

Granted, they are usually a lot younger than me, but the point stands.

But no, I am too ‘smart’ for that. Oh no, not me. I am all smart and logical and sensible and totally in control of myself to do anything so foolishly healthy.

I… had a suicidal thought earlier. It passed quickly, but it still scared me some. That okl demonic voice started whispering in my ear about how awesome it would be to escape all this bullshit and pain.

Now I kind of wish I had gone to my therapist yestetday instead of skipping it out of fear of spreading my pneumonic plague all over the place.

Clearly, I am not in a good psychological state right now and I could use someone to talk to who isn’t a part of my life. That way, I can tell them anything and everything without worrying about hurting them or my words having consequences.

Oh well. Too late now. I will have to wait until Thursday, six days from now, to talk to someone in the way I need to talk to someone.

Maybe I will call a crisis line to tide me over. I dunno.

I am so sick of life hurting so much. I feel like an animal trapped in too small a cage. The tranquilizer has warn off and I realize what a pickle I am in and I begin to panic and pace back and forth. But that only makes things worse.

The world is a vampire.

And despite all my rage, I am still just a fox in a cage.

I have this urge to burn. I want to take all my bullshit and my issues and my baggage and my toxins and my dirty, dirty soul and build a giant bonfire with flames so high they lick the clouds out of them.

I want to burn and burn with a purifying fever that drives all the nastiness and filth from my misbegotten self until I am empty and pure and ready to move on to the next spiritual level without any regrets and no emotional baggage.

I hate being this grubby gross fat dude with the huge brain and no life. I am so fucking sick of knowing how powerful I could be if only I were strong enough to truly wield what I have instead of being a tiny monkey at the controls of an enormous machine that it can barely handle even at the best of times and which, quite frankly, scares the poop out of him mor often than not.

I want to be as big as my talents.

I want to be as strong as my mind.

I want to be as vibrant and vital as my wonderful personality.

But instead, I am the wretched thing you see before you.

And I ask you…. how can that be fair?

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.