And deeper in derp.

Wow. Jeff Beck and ZZ Top do Sixteen Tons. Bitchin’.

So yeah. Whatever. Not feeling any better about my life than yesterday. Still feel like everything is stupid and pointless and worthless.

So, ya know, just another average day here in Sad Hell.

Finished my course of antibiotics last night. So I suppose that means that I am technically “over” my pneumonia now. At least on paper.

Me, I am not so sure. I can still feel gunk in my lungs, and said lungs are kind of sore most of the time,. I haven’t been coughing much and I can’t say I feel the malaise coming back, so that’s good,

But as far as I am concerned, I am not out of the woods yet, and I will be paying very close attention to my health for the next couple of days to make sure the antibiotics did a thorough job and didn’t just cull the herd.

-Who knows. Maybe the real reason I am so pissed off and depressed lately is that I am still fighting this fucking thing and it’s ruining my mood somehow.

But nah. This shit has been coming for a very long time. It just took escaping my current life for five days then coming back to it and realizing how much it suuuuuucks to kick it off. But this storm has been brewing for years.

I am just so god damned tired of this life and this lifestyle. I long to make some kind of radical change that will truly shake thiings up by breaking all my old patterns and forcing me to create new ones.

Fresh ones. Strong ones. Ones better suited to who I really am. Ones that start from me and work outward in order to better cope with the reality of being who I really am.

Patterns that include dealing with complex emotions experienced in real time Otherwise known as “coping with reality”, Patterns that include far more of the real world than the dank and squalid little gadren known as my current comfort zone.

That sucker is way overdue for expansion and I have the land deed and zoning variances to make it happen.

All that is left is to actually do things.

Yeah… about that….

I am very much feeling the eternal stalement lately. Like for every move I make, there is a part of me – call it the Deadly Adversary – that makes the countermove that will return things to their “normal” state of total doldrums,.

I suppose, in a way, it’s a question of resolve. Part of me wants to move forward and part of me is terrified of the entire idea and willing to do whatever it takes to make sure it doesn’t happen, no matter how self-destructive.

And right now, it’s the negative side that has the power of the id behind it most of the time. That’s why the countermeasure is both instantaneous and vehement. It definitely has the force of fear and pain and all the other hard emotions behind it,

Against that, my sad little rational ego strains in vain. Most of the time. Real progress will not be made unless I can steal the energy from that bastard and grow strong enough to push back when he tries to put me in my place and hold me down.

And that means dealing with my emotions. And I mean really dealing with them, not just analyzing them to death with permanent Spock eyebrow going “How fascinating!” and mistaking intellectual gear grinding for actual progress.

So yeah. I am pissed off about my life and how it’s turned out and where I find myself at the absurd age of 45 and I am going to stay pissed off about it until something changes or I go completely insane.

Honestly, I could go either way.

It might not be fun or comfortable to stay mad like this, but I don’t give a shit. This is the only way anything is ever going to change. The deep layers of my tainted soul have to be made to believe that the only way out of this uncomfortable situation is to forge new pathways that lead to a superior solution.

Only then will the gates of my prison swing open so I can go out on leave at least. So much of the energy of my soul is set to work against itself that it can be hard to figure out how to get ahead.

Or what to do with the energy once it is released from enternal self opposition. That’s the thing – I honestly don’t know what to do with myself when I have energy.

If I am not careful, it will turn into anxiety and depression. Perhaps that’s a big part of what has been happening with me lately. My energy is coming back to me after all that time spent sick and it’s not finding anything like a decent enough outlet so it’s backing up and becoming depression etc instead.

It’s a theory, at least.

I always have a theory.  I’m a theory kind of guy.

It’s putting that shit into practice that’s the hard part.

I dunno. LArgely, I just don’t give a shit. Fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck everyone and fuck everything. My new life motto is “I don’t know and I don’t care. Fuck off. ”

I can even sing it, if I feel like it. It’s my new nihilist anthem. It’s the perfect solution for when there are so many voices in my head asking for answers or trying to contain things I am anxious about and avoiding that I can;t hear myself think and the only way to shut them up is to brain them with a brick of rock solid id.

De doo doo doo, motherfucker.

The meaning isn’t all that’s true. That still blows my mind.

So I dunno. I guess you nice people will have to put up with my angry venting and other forms of delay-adolescence crankiness until I get a grip on myself.

Long live the new flesh, I guess,

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.