WARNING : This song is fairly dickish. I used to find it hilarious, which is a little disturbing. But then, as we are about to discuss, I am not quite the happy bouncy saint that I pretend to me.

Really feeling my angry and antisocial side lately. Let’s call it The Ogre. It’s the side of me that wants to tell the whole world to fuck off and leave me alone. It’s the side of me that resents ever having to leave my cozy little tomb here to go out and deal with the world. It’s the side of me that, if it had its way, I wouldn’t even watch the Daily Show and Colbert with Joe and Julian.

I would stay in my room, sitting here at this computer, nearly all the time. And it would not be long before I was another lunatic neckbeard on the Internet, railing against whoever I have chosen to blame my pain on when the real reason I am miserable is that I have cut myself off from humanity.

It could happen.

I think this Ogre of mine is particularly active these days – active enough that I thought it was time I pushed it into the light and examined it – because it actually did get its way for a while due to my grappling with pneumonoia.

Not only did that get me five “glorious” days of almost no need to socialize, afterwards my usual social schedule was a lot lighter due to entirely rational fears about my being contagious. So when I did go out and socialize, it was to the neutral territory of some dining establishment, then back home. Easy peasy.

So this unspeakably ugly Ogre of mine got pretty fucking comfortable. It gloried in the vast reduction in social stressors in my life and reveled in the short term benefits of less strain, toil, and anxiety making life a lot “easier”.

Not better. Just easier.

So  now that I am returning to my previous levels of socialization, my Ogre is pissed off solid, and for once, it is speaking up and making its desires known.

Usually. it just lurks in the background as inchoate anger lacking a real focus and often making me not angry but anxious.

Then again. lately it has at least been noticeably peaking once a month or so. That’s when I sit down to blog and get all ranty and growly and nihilistic.

How very like an Ogre that is. Just call me Gay Shrek.

Well this time, I am going to get at least somewhat closer to the root of the problem instead of merely venting.

Don’t get me wrong… venting is awesome and I always end up feeling a whole lot better afterwards. It’s like a much needed expectoration.

Don’t worry, that’s as gross as my metaphors for catharsis will get tonight.

I am a big time proponent of catharsis. A lot of people are walking around with problems they think are insurmountable but which could actually be solved by having a good long cry or telling the right person to go fuck themselves.

I’m just sayin’.

Oh shit, I was supposed to finish that ghost thing today. Dammit. Well if I haven’t done it by Saturday afternoon, I will do it then, I promise.

Anyhow, it’s not hard to see the root cause of my attacks of Ogre-ness as being my lack of sufficient emotional outlet. That’s why the anger and frustration builds up inside me and makes a lot of things more painful than they need to be.

There is a sexual component related to my troubles “finishing” when masturbating as well. That would piss off any man.

Even a freak like me.

So I need better emotional and/or sexual outlets. We will leave the sexual part aside for now due to not wanting to get into the whole thing while I am trying to talk about something entirely different.

But fair warning, there will be a very explicit blog entry about my sexuality very soon.

Trigger warnings will be plentiful and detailed, however.

Back to emotional outlets. Right now, this blog is more or less it. Well, it, and therapy. Despite my genius I have no knack for expressing my emotions, especially in realtime, as their stimuli are happening.

In fact, I am so out of touch with my real, active, true emotions that often I can’t even tell the difference between emotions related to what is happening to me and latent emotions that have merely been triggered by what is happening to me.

Subjectively speaking, it’s all the same to me.

Presumably, it would be a lot easier if I didn’t have such a huge emotional backlog. Or at least if I was more consciously aware of it. As is, all those latent emotions are on my “treat as if not present” list of things I pretend are not there so I can get on with my day and my life.

As coping mechanisms, it is terrible. It vritually guarantees that I will be constantly tripping over things I have blinded myself to, things outside the tight narrow focus of my laser sharp intellect.

Those two things are definitely related – the tightly focused laser beam brain and the tuning out of everything that doesn’t fit in it. I have spoken here before about how us brainy types have this powerful emotional suppression center in our brains.

And that is great for focusing the intellect on the sorts of abstract reasoning at which we brainy types excel.

But it’s lousy for our psychological health because, at least with some of us,.it gives us the ability to suppress any emotion we don’t like and hence we end up with a whole lot of emotions we never dealt with at all, just shoved into a box and forgot about.

And man are there a lot of boxes around here. Can’t move an inch without tripping over one. But it’s fine. This is normal.

At least, it is for me.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.