Good therapy session today. Got some stuff off my chest about him interrupting me. Never got around to talk about him interrupting me to argue with me specifically, but I am learning to accept that I will never say everything I meant to say in therapy because there’s is too damned much of it and too much going on at the time to be thorough.
The main takeaway for me was the realization that I scare people away with my neediness. When people get close enough, they can sense how enormous my need for love, affection, nurturing and all is, and it scares the hell out of them because it feels to them like it could swallow them whole in one bite without even slowing down.
That’s the ravenous void inside me that makes people back away from me. That’s the hungry hole at the heart of me that is or at least feels like a threat to others. People feel, not enitrely without cause, that to get too close to me is to risk annihilation.
And it doesn’t matter whether or not I mean them any harm. The harm is going to happen regardless of my desires or intentions, or so it seems.
There is one thing I know for sure is that this deep and terrible hunger in my is very real. I have been emotionally undernourished for a really long time and on that level it has made me as dangerous and unpredictable as any starving man.
And it means that I am not entirely in control of myself. It’s possible that I might hurt someone a lot before I could stop myself.
The temptation to compare myself to a starving vampire is strong. One might be the most virtuous vampire the world has ever known but if the Thirst is upon you and some poor human catches you at the wrong moment, they might be dead and drained before you even knew it was happening.
This devil’s desire to drain til dead is a terrifying thing to contemplate, but I am glad I am consciously aware of it now. That’s the first and most important step towards figuring out how to deal with the problem.
Ideally I want to be able to express my needs in a way that reassures people that I am not, in fact, going to eat them. I am not sure how that would work, because the needs are quite real and I am not inclined to pretend they are not there.
Perhaps I just need to accept that despite trying to be as user friendly as possible, I remain not entirely safe to be around.
That doesn’t sit well wtih me, though. I can’t accept the idea that I don’t have control over myself. That means I would either need to decide I can live with totally hiding it for the rest of my life or that I can fully accept that I am a goddamned predator looking for someone I can drain the love and affection from then move on to fresh prey.
Those options…. aren’t any better. To put it mildly.
Then there’s the intensity with which I express my emotions – emoting volume set to 11 – can make people feel utterly lost and like their own sense of self is threatened by the sheer power of my self-expression.
That’s got to be pretty frigging scary. It makes me a great storyteller but without the distance of the storyteller/audience relationship – when it’s just normal interpersonal interaction – it’s like deadly voodoo magic.
I would have made one hell of a shaman.
I’m just sayin’.
Part 2 : My Butthole Has Frostbite
Well poop. My mouse isn’t working.
And it’s a very weird malfunction. Get this : the buttons work, and the laser on the bottom lights up, but I can’t move the mouse cursor at all.
Or at least I think I can’t, because the mouse cursor has disappeared. It could be that it’s turned invisible. Wouldn’t THAT be a kick in the cunt.
And the thing is, it happened very suddenly, while I was playing a game. One minute I am playing Dishonoured 3 : Death of the Outsider and then suddenly the mouse movement up and dies.
It might be malware of some sory. Some hankerin’ thirst queens idea of a joke. I practice safe downloads and never dload from unknown sources or anyplace that seems kind of hinky.
But I do browse porn sites quite a bit, and they have been know as spreaders of computer viruses and such, so that’s a possibility.
The other possibility is that there is something wrong with the laser. That would fit with the fact that the buttons and mousewheel work but movement does not. The buttons and mousewheel don’t depend on the laser at all.
It seems as bright and as red as ever, but it’s not as if I spend a lot of time looking at it.
And this, on top of the fact that my monthly cheque has not arrived and cheque day was yesterday. There’s a postal strike on, so I am not exactly susprised, but it still pisses me off because I need that money.
You know, end of the month, end of the money. I have a few bucks left from last month’s cheque and a little bit saved up on the card, but that’s not going to last long.
Plus, ya know, Joe is going to need my rent money not too long from now.
So between the mouse and the check. I am feeling rather stressed right now. My little world has broken down in two places.
At least I still have my tablet, so I will not be completely cut off without a working mouse. And you can do a lot of things with just the keyboard in Windows, albeit in a very slow and clunky kinda way.
Plus, I have not yet tried everything to get the fucking thing working. I have not tried switching USB ports, or looking at mouse pointer settings, or checked for kinks in the mouse cord. And so on.
So all is not yet lost. Worst case scenario is that I buy another mouse from Amazon.
But it’s still stress I could do without.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.