Thankfully, not at the same time.
Another rough afternoon of bad sleep punctuated by brief, almost dream-like interludes of semi-wakeful pissing.
The whole deal makes the act of urination loom strangely and uncomfortable large in my mind at the moment.
I find myself contemplating my place in the water cycle. The water I drink to stay hydrated was once water vapor in a cloud. When conditions were right, that water coalesced into raindrops and fell on the land. Some of that rain fell in the local reservoir. That water was filtered and treated to make it safe for human consumption. When I turned the tap to fill my glass, some of that treated water flowed from a long distance away to give me the water I need to live. I then tipped back my glass and drank the water, which ended up in my stomach then into my intestines and thence into every cell of my body, where it flushed away the waste products of metabolism kept the interior of my body and all its membranes moist and supple.
After it has done this important work, the water, now transformed into urine by the kidney, pooled in my bladder awaiting release.
And then my sleepy self shambled to the bathroom, pointed my penis at the bowl, and released that urine. Once released, it ended up mingling with the water in the toilet, which then got flushed into the sewage system of my town.
From there it went to the sewage treatment plant, where it was once more scrubbed clean of all impurities, and released into the ocean. Once in the ocean, it can, in time, evaporate and become water vapour in a cloud once more.
And every living animal is part of that enormous cycle. Right now, billions of individual acts of urination are releasing water back into the system. Penises and vaginas worldwide are united in this simple and natural act.
It’s all quite elegant and even majestic, from the right point of view. We think of ourselves as isolated individuals but in this we are all connected by a great and intricate river that flows through us all.
That’s true of shitting as well, although the process is a great deal more complex. Still, I take some comfort as a humanist and as a human that no matter how important, powerful, rich, famous, or successful someone is, they, like the rest of us, have to spend some time on the ceramic throne doing the single most disgusting and lowly thing we humans do on a regular basis.
Even the Pope must poop.
I also find it amusing how universal the hierachy of bathroom needs is. The rule is simple and inviolable : pee is bad, but poop is SO MUCH WORSE.
I bet there is not a human being alive or that has ever lived that saw things the other way around. Nobody in the history of human has ever said “thank god it was only shit!”. There is nobody who would rather step in shit than get pee on them.
It even extends into what can be depicted in the media. The media is fairly casual about depicting male urination as long as the golden (heh) rule is observed : you can see the stream but not the source.
In other words, you can show that telltale arc of water but not the penis it is coming from. Clearly there is a hierarchy there too : depicting urine flowing is not nearly as “bad” as showing an actual penis.
Female urination is harder to depict without showing the goods. And, in this patriarchal culture, everything to do with women’s “down there’ activities is considered more taboo than the simple innocence of having a wee on a wall.
Yes folks, the culture we live in is even sexist as fuck in the bathroom. Male urination is okay-ish,. female urination HECK NO.
I mean, take this little fellow :
There he is, adorable little pecker in hand, whizzing away. And what a whizz it is! He’s been whizzing since he was constructed in the 17th century. That is something like a 500 year pee, and he’s still going strong.
Surely he must be almost done by now!
Still, I understand. I’m 45 and the old pipes are getting narrow. So sometimes it feels like it’s taking me 500 years to piss as well.
Anyhow, my point is that the whole world is familiar with little Pis and his thousands of imitators. It is largely considered a symbol of simple childhood innocence, even in this age where taking a picture of your little boy doing the same thing could get you arrested and ruin your life.
But don’t worry about him being lonely up there. He has family!
Including a sister. So don’t feel bad, ladies, somewhere in Brussels a sweet little girl is enjoying a nice long wee as well.
And of course, they have a dog. But his pissing is only implied. I guess a dog does not rate bering hooked up to the water and given his own little shrine.
It’s the boy everyone knows, though, and I don’t think that is a coincidence. Somehow (in other words, PATRIARCHY) a little boy peeing is this universal symbol of innocence, whereas most males would not even know what a urinating female looks like.
Well enough is enough! I call upon all female humans to start showing the male humans what it looks like when you pee! Invite them into the bathroom with you! Stage public pee-ins! Let the streets run gold with your outrage! DEMAND EQUAL PEE.
Okay, not really.
But it would be really freaking funny.
AAaanyhow. Wow, I totally did not set out to talk about bathroom functions for an entire blog entry. But it turns out I have a lot of thoughts on the subject.
And I didn’t even touch upon the metaphorical and symbolic natures of our two main eliminatory functions, and all the deep and complicated ways our eliminatory instincts get writ large upon the world in unexpected ways.
Some of which are quite dire.
Oh well, it’s a start.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.