I seem to be in the middle of one of those periods where I feel frustrated and angry and nihilistic.
The usual suspects have been rounded up. I feel like screaming incoherently atop a rooftop. Just screaming and screaming and screaming until I have screamed out all my frustrations and I lapse into a coma out of sheer emotional exhaustion.
I also feel like screaming in people’s faces. Tell the whole human race to GO FUCK ITSELF, both individually and as a group.
The ducks can go fuck themselves too. They know why. Fucking ducks.
But worse is the manic edge I feel creeping into the corners of my mind. Like if I am not careful, I will turn into a lunatic that barks at the moon and acts like a cross between Robin Williams and the Joker.
Cocaine-era Robin Williams. Obviously.
The sort of lunatic who, if the button that activated a doomsday device that can destroy the world appeared before them, might just press the button just for the lolz.
The same lunatic side of me that would strip naked and walk right past a kindergarten just so I can laugh at how upset people get over something as harmless as a penis.
It’s also the kamikaze side of my personality, and thatside of me is occasionally very useful. When I need or want to do something that is very scary and/or hard for me to do, being able to just throw myself into it like a madman with a grenade betwene his teeth can be very helpful.
Banzai, motherfuckers! Better start running, because the Fruvous bomb is about to go off and there will be NO SURVIVORS.
But it is, essentially, a manic state, and those are dangerous as fuck. Scary too. It might look like that person in a manic phase is having the time of their life, but in their mind the reasonable, sane part of their pysche is scared shitless like they are strapped to a runaway bucking bronco.
I’ve never had a full on manic episode, but I have gotten close enough to get the flavour of it and it’s freaking terrifying.
Other rogue urges include the urge to grab my keyboard and wield it like a sword to smash everything in front of me, including my computer, my monitor, my speakers, and possibly the window.
You know, as a kind of crescendo.
That one makes a sort of sense. After all, this computer is both my gateway to the world and the anchor that keeps me in place. If I didn’t have the damned thing, I would have no choice but to go out into the world and figure out how to get along with others in some way.
Or I would go fetal and catatonic.
Either way, it would be a refreshing change.
Sometimes, when I am out, I just plain don’t want to come back. I don’t want to go back into this crystalline cage of mine. I want to stay out there in the world and do things.
But I always end up back here, in my box, being kept semi-alive by the clunky old emotional life support system that is this computer.
I’m going to go lie down and think about stuff now.
So there’s an update.
Normally, we do Paragon on Thursday nights. Felicity and I go to Garth’s space and hang out with him and develop our silly ass show.
But last week I couldn’t go because both Joe and Julian were sick with a stomach bug and I definitely felt like I was coming down with something and so I thought myself contagious.
This week, I was all excited to go, but then around 4 pm I started feeling really ill. By around 4:45 pm I was feeling feverish. I was dizzy, nauseous, faint, and had a very strange feeling in my veins.
Sort of a bubbly tingling feeling. Very disturbing.
I mean, I have been told I have an effervescent personality, but…
So I had to cancel again. Grr. I hate being the weak link!
The thing is, at the same time I felt dizzy and faint, I also felt fairly agitated. Part of me wanted to lay down and hibernate while another part of me wants to put on my hat and coat and venture into the night and just walk and walk and walk until I don’t feel so crazy any more.
Put a pin in that. That might come in handy at some point.
I suppose that is what happens when this fever of mine meets my earlier feelings of frustration and irritation and such.
Also frustrating : my search for a modern, current, AAA quality game to spend my sister’s $50 Amazon.ca gift certificate on.
I think that made sense.
The problem is that Amazon.ca is a crap place to buy video games these days. Their selection is bizarrely spotty, the good stuff never has Prime uber cool delivery, and the prices are way higher than on Steam.
Then I had the brilliant idea of buying a Steam gift card on Amazon.ca. Problem solved! Amazon.ca money becomes Steam money!
But no… that would be too easy. They were all sold out of the $50 ones and had only 2 of the $20 left, and when I went to order two of those, the damn site crashed. So no dice there.
I will try again, though. Dammit.
The alternative is to buy something else on Amazon.ca, or to see what they DO have instead of searching for specific things.
I hate to be limited like that, but it might be the optimal solution.
Whatever. Come heck or high water, I am going to get a NOW game for once and therefore stand some chance of knowing what the fuck people are talking about when games come up instead of being the poor country cousin being indulged when I want to talk about games from ages ago.
Them : “Oh right…. I think I remember that game. It was okay I guess. Oh, but the sequel was way better… ”
Me : “Wait, there’s more of them?”
Them : “Um yeah…. there’s like, eight games in the series, plus DLC…. ”
Me : “…….I knew that. ”
I am sure I will find something eventually.
Or I could use the money to buy something that would help me escape this pigpen of a life!
If only I knew WTF that would be.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.