Just got out of bed around 10 minutes ago, and I am nowhere near fully awake, and my head hurts and I haven’t medicated yet, so I am feeling pretty fucking grumpy.
So approach Grumpy Fox with caution. He might just sink his teeth into your ankle.
It’s times like this when I wish I had my own little pocket dimension that was isolated from the main timestream. I would go there and rest up and get all the sleep and downtime I need before rejoining the regular timeflow, refreshed.
Honestly, all I really want to do is go right back to sleep. But I have to stay awake long enough to eat some lunch, take my meds, and get 500 words blogged.
Oh, but my life is nothing but hardship and travail.
Made the FRED reservation (or FREDervation) so that’s done at least. And got my laundry started. So today has been a blaze of productivity for me.
At least by my rock bottom standards.
God damn it, I am fading in and out here. I hate this bullshit. I hate having to constantly drag my dreamer ass back to the here and now and remind myself that I am doing something and kind of need to focus on that until it is done.
Or half done, as it were.
This is the exact sort of thing that made me stop taking my quetiapine in the first place. Patient readers will recall that this whole thing started when I ran out of quetiapine and was forced to go a few days without it.
And discovered the joys of it NOT being so bloody hard to wake up every day,
But I’ve got the other pill now. Its name is mirtazapine and apparently its on-book use is as an antidepressant. So that seems like a good thing.
Sadly, I haven’t taken it yet even though I got it at the pharmacy yesterday because the dosage for sleep is one quarter to one half of a 15 mg pill and the pills are tiny and impossible to simply snap in two like I can with my peroxetene.
So I am going to have to drag out the ol’ plastic pill cutter and that’s a pain. I figure I will go against proper titration sequence and start with half a pill.
Cutting the little things in half will be hard enough. Cutting those halved into quarters seems like a freaking nightmake. LIke trying to do microsurgery on a gnat.
So I will start with a half and see what happens. If the effect is too strong, then I will cut it back to one quarter of a pill.
Life is complicated when you’re crazy.
I am also on a higher dose of Paxil (aka peroxatene) now. I have gone from 40 mg to 50 mg. This seemed like a great idea when I was feeling far worse and discussed it with my doc a couple months back.
But now I am not so sure. It will further cut me off from my emotions and that might not be what I need right now.
On the other hand, if it makes me happier, then it’s worth it.
Nap break time!
And I am back. And still fucking sleepy. god damn it.
I calculate that I have already gotten eight to ten hours of sleep and yet I am still sleepy as fuck. The best I can say is that I don’t feel quite as sleepy as I did earlier, so there is at least some sense of progress.
I hadn’t planned on returning to blogging yet. I got up at around 2:30 pm planning on playing my new fave game till around 4 pm and then returning to the blogging.
But I tried to play said game, and found I was nowhere near awake and alert enough for a tricky steal based came that demands a pretty high level of alertness.
That is part of the fun, if you are awake enough for it. But nerp.
So then I tried some Dragon Age : Origins. But nerp, not alert enough for that either, and that’s a game I have played a ton and where you can pause the action and issue commands any time you want.
So here I am, eking out the other half of my words knowing that I am going right back to sleep when I am done.
And I hate that. I don’t want to sleep all the fucking time. I want to live!
The new game, Styx : Shards of Darkness is pretty good. I got it when I bought one of Fanatical.com‘s crazy cheap bundles, and my hopes for it were not high because the first ones from the bundle, Oxenfree and Age of Decadence, did not appeal to me at all.
Oxenfree involved a lot of highly realistic (read : tedious) teen dialogue, and Age of Decadence was so visually ugly – seemingly on purpose – that I could not wait to quit.
But I am enjoying the heck out of Styx. He’s quite funny and likable in a cartoon sleazy kind of way. And that got me to stick with the stealth gameplay long enough to get over my usual dislike of it and start to find the fun in it.
I am still way too bloodthirsty, though. I kill every guard I come across, if I can. Seems like my natural response to a source of tension and fear is to destroy it, and thus end the tension and fear and experience a period of blessed peace.
In theory, I could sneak like a shadow through all these rooms without harming a single soul. But the main problem I have with stealth is that I don’t have the nerves for all that tension. So ending the tension (via murder) is the only way I can get through.
I hope that will change as I get better at the game.
For one thing, killing all these motherfuckers takes a lot of time!
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.