I’ve always wanted one.

But honestly, I have always had one.

In my mind.

And I do everything from there. It’s the place I went to when I was being raped and telling myself, “this isn’t real, this isn’t happening”.and I have never come back. I live there as I am typing this sentence, and I don’t see much hope for rescue any time soon.

And it makes me very hard to reach. I see that now.

It would be different if I were an overtly antisocial person. They do the world a favor by making it very clear that they are not emotionally accessible nor are they inclined to cozy up to you, so back the fuck off.

I am not saying that is a wonderful kind of person to be, but at least people know exactly where they stand with that particular sort.

But not with me. I’m friendly, kind, sweet, sensitive, and a good listener. I can get quite close to people and do a very convincing job of pretending like I am wide open.

But I am not. Nobody really gets in. I can’t actually be reached.

Like I have said before….

This subject came up because my roomie wanted me to watch something with him, and when he told me about it, I brushed it off.

And I feel terrible about it, especially because he keeps digging up things he thinks I will want to watch with him and I never actually do it.

I am so sorry, Julian. I know we used to watch stuff together during mealtimes all the time, and then I had my big emotional collapse and started eating in my room, and I have never recovered from that.

And I know that is bad, and that it must be so hard for you to just keep trying like you do, and I wish I could take it all back.

I just want you to know that it was never anything about you. You are a wonderful person and an amazing friend to have kept it up for all these years. I’m sorry I frozen you out, I am sorry if that ever made you sad, and I wish from the bottom of my heart that I could go back in time and say yes every single time.

I love you very much, Julian Castle, and wish I could have been a better friend.

The whole thing reminds of this. Warning, one of the saddest songs ever.

Again, it was never anything about you, Julian. It was the depression. I fell into a deep dark hole that destroyed everything I had of value and made me unable to function like I used to do, and while I have made a lot of progress since then, I still have a long way to go, and that;s hard on everyone who knows me.

I seem so friendly but it’s all a lie.

I miss our times together, Julian,. I really do. We watched a lot of good stuff together and I miss sharing things like that with you.

And it was very good for me. You need to know that. It took me off my own little island and let me be social in a way I could handle, and that human contact meant the world to me, even if I didn’t realize it at the time.

And I knew – as a rock solid fact – that starting to take my meals in my room, in front of this goddamned computer, was a terrible idea. I could feel the emotional bonds being ripped away as I did it.

But I did it anyway. The Skyrim Hole demanded it. I had a powerful new addiction and like all addictions it made me do terrible things.

Skyrim is gone. But I am still as addicted to video games as I was back then. And I can’t seem to stop myself from structuring my life to maximize video game playtime.

The names have changed but the addiction remains the same.

So when you bring something to me that you would like to watch with me and maybe entice me back into our old routine, Julian, the brutal truth is that it’s my addiction that says to me “Nope, that would cut video game time” and slams the steel doors shut.

Again, I am so sorry that I have hurt and disappointed you like that so many times.

And that goes for anyone else reading this whom I have hurt by seeming aloof, detached, uncaring, uninterested, or rejecting. It was never about you, and it is killing me to know that I most likely hurt a lot of people who know me and care about my without even realizing it.

I am so sorry, people. I love you all. Don’t let my depression tell you otherwise. There may be times when I just can’t say yes to something, and I don’t blame people at all for giving up trying to engage me.

But please please know that it was never about you and I wanted to say yes so many times but my illness would not let me.

God, I have been such a dick to so many people. And in such a fucked up confusing way, too, with all the mixed signals and false openness and simulated connections.

I’d rather be
The person I pretend to be
He lacks the real me’s
Toxicity
So I pretend really hard
That he is me
Play that role
Continuously
Forget that he’s
A facsimile
Suppress my own
Identity
But now I see
That he is not me
He never was, and never will be

So where does that leave me?

Michael bertrand, 2019

So I hereby offer my deepest and most authentic apologies to any and all who have felt hurt, confused, rejected, unsettled, or otherwise bad because of this strange game of friendly evasion I have been playing all these years.

I honestly didn’t know until now.

And now I have no freaking idea who I am. I have manufactured so much of myself that I wouldn’t know the real me if it bit me on the ass.

And that’s a hell of a place to be.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow