The skinny : I think I am in the process of shifting from thinking of myself as this hopeless tragic wreck of a human being to thinking of myself as a really great amazing person overflowing with goodness who just got lost for a while but who now is ready to start thinking about leaving his cozy coffin and going out in the world.
The fat : me. Ha ha ha.
This new vision of myself will hopefully lead to a new version of myself. All the changes in my life started out as that kind of little germ of an idea.
I can change into almost anything if I dream it first.
And I think I am slowly coming around to being able to think of myself in a positive and optimistic way. To say to myself, “You know. I am a pretty amazing guy, and I know lots of people who would back me up on that. I am a truly unique and appealing person who is highly intelligent, extremely gifted, very articulate, and I make people happy just by being around them. There is nobody who sees me in the way my depression sees me, and I am going to take their word for it that my depression is full of shit. I am a very special. unique, amazing guy and I have nothing to be ashamed of. There is no reason I could not go out there and conquer the world with my gifts when I am ready. I am an asset to society and a joy to those who know me. And it is high time I use all this power I have to make my life better, because I deserve it. ”
“Use that power responsibly!” rasps a shadow in the corner of my mind.
“Oh, I will. ” I reply. “But I am broadening the definition of that until it is something I can actually live with instead of just using it to justify my self-limitation. I know in my heart that a happy, active, engaged me will make the world a better place and if that takes loosening the rules on responsibility, so be it. ”
The end, to a limited extent, justifies the means.
Oh, and this bit is super important : “I am going to let my light shine as hard as it can, and anyone who can’t handle my light is free to leave. Or maybe, if I really like them, I will hand them some sunglasses. But I am no longer willing to let the limitations of others set limitations on me.
I’m amazing. Deal with it.
And that definitely includes not letting other people’s ego issues slow me down. If my excellence makes you feel bad because it makes you feel inferior, that is not my problem in the slightest. You need to deal with that shit yourself. I am going to share my amazingness with the world no matter what, and even more importantly, I am going to enjoy the fuck out of it myself.
I’m not saying I don’t care about your pain. I am just giving myself permission to set limits as to what kinds of pain I should worry about and which are not really my problem because I am doing nothing wrong.
So if the mere fact that I am so amazing bothers you, that’s your problem.
Me, I am going to climb as high as I can and shine the hardest I can and do my best to spread sunshine and happiness wherever I go. ‘
And who could argue with that?
I have enormous positive potential. I have thought of myself as this hideous worthless toxic nightmare for a long long time but it just isn’t true. And nobody else in the world sees me like that. I have a lot to give the world and a lot of ways to prove that I don’t just have worth, I am a million dollars in the bank, baby.
And that remains true no matter how bad I feel. Sometimes my depression is going to make me feel really crappy, and it will be tempting to fall back on the old pattern of thinking I am how I feel, but I am not and will never be.
I have always been a brilliant shining star ready to fill the world with my radiance and warmth. I am full of love and light and happinesss and I want to use it to make the world a better place with all my gifts.
Sure, I was sick for a while, but there is no shame in that. And I am getting better every day. Before too long, I will be ready to be taken off the injured list and get back into the game where I belong.
I am strong. I am pure. I am magnificent. And I am going to light up the world.
I think that’s all the egotizing I can manage tonight. It’s quite draining.
The darkly ironic part of this is the little voice in my head saying “Aww, being awesome is hard! Can’t we go back to hating ourselves? It’s way easier!”.
My plan so far is to imagine myself as being someone who just realized they won the lottery and is going to spend the time simply enjoying being rich without pressuring themselves to do something with the money right away.
So I will just bask in the glow of my own freshly minted ego and do my very best to keep that spark alive and let it thaw out as much of all that frozen crap inside me that it can. I am going to hold on to the truth of my amazingness as hard as I can until my mind finally takes the hint and accepts it. I am going to think highly of myself without the slightest care over who that bothers.
I am one heck of an amazing human being, and it’s high time that I started truly believing it and acting like it.
And if that makes some people think I am a smug prick, so be it.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.