In a word, bleh.
It’s 4 PM and I am still not fully awake. Part of me would like nothing more than to crawl back into bed and sleep for another week or two. I feel so darn groggy and mentally disorganized and generally bleary as all fuck.
But I can’t go back to bed and snooze because I have blogging to do and Ithen I have to get a shower before going to FRED and doing my best not to fall asleep and end up faceplanting into my pulled pork sandwich.
Sleep disorders make life so hard sometimes. Le sigh.
On the plus side, I have been successful in my efforts to cut way down on the napping. The less I nap, the better I will sleep, or at least that is the theory.
When I abuse sleep as a way to escape reality, I end up depriving myself of the really good, deep, restorative kind of sleep that I really need.
It’s bad enough that I have sleep apnea doing that to me as well.
Adding to my sleepiness is the fact that I just took a dump. For whatever reason, defecation almost always makes me sleepy. My theory is that it has something to do with the release of the tension that comes with full bowels.
Or maybe it’s something left over from my infancy. In general, if you are examining something unusual involving bathroom functions, you look to infancy and toddler… cy for the answers.
A lot of super important programming happens then. Freud had that right.
Anyhow, the net result is that I am struggling to stay focused on the blogging while my mind keeps wandering off and trying to fall asleep on the down lo by hijacking my usual thoughtful nature to do its dirty work.
Damn brains never doing what they are told. Who do they think is in charge, anyhow?
I have been playing quest mods for Dragon Age : Origins lately. Some of them are quite good. One in particular, a mod called Thirst (dunno why), really impressed me. It was in all ways as good as the original game, and in some ways better. The only thing that differed was the scale.
But it could totally pass for an official expansion of the game.
So yeah, still spending most of my time playing da vidya games. But I am refusing to stress about it. I am one awesome dude,and as long as I keep that in mind, and let the restlessness I feel that makes me crave something more grow, I am confident that I will outgrow this stage of my life and move away from the video games when I am ready.
Until then, I am enjoying myself. And there is nothing wrong with that.
I can still feel tension and depression trying to convince me that I am nightmare garbage person and all that other bullshit. But I am not going to let it. I will continue to be a pretty amazing guy no mater how bad I feel.
I am not being punished for something via this pain. The pain doesn’t mean I am a bad person. I am merely the innocent victim of bad brain chemicals.
And it sucks and it’s not fair and I wish it would all just go away.
But it says absolutely nothing about me.
Time for a nap. Back after FRED.
Post FRED nao. Proud of myself for getting off my ass multiple times to go out and see the goddamned Super Blood Wolf Moon Eclipse instead of being my usual lump on a log then feeling terrible about myself after.
Big thanks to Barb for being our little sparkplug and/or cheerleader, encouraging us with all her heart to come look at the eclipse.
I sincerely appreciate it, Barb. You reminded me of my mother when she would be trying to get us kids excited about something she was excited about.
I kind of feel bad about how resistant I was to her encouragment back then. But no matter what age I am, “Quick! Get up right now and do this thing!” is always going to have a low rate of success no matter how I will feel about it afterwards.
I don’t do “sudden”. I wish I did, but I don’t. In war, I would be a strategist par excellence, but maybe not the best guy to respond to a sudden night time raid on our position or a seemingly peaceful advance turning into a hell of bullets and explosions.
Our position would be overrun before I even got my bearings, let alone decided what we should do in response.
Anyhow, so I got to see the Super Ultra Hymen Blood Cocktacular Coyote Pumpkin Spice Eclipse With Two Scoops Of Raisins In Every Bos tonight, and it was pretty damned cool. Such things always make me think of pre-scientific peoples and how huge an emotional impact it would have on them.
The moon is disappearing behind a thick black shadow and you have no idea whether it will ever come back. Your cosmology says the moon is a goddess, so what the hell is happening to her? Is she dying? Is she losing a battle against an evil spirit? One of the things you base your life around is undergoing a crisis and you can neither understand what is happening nor impact the outcome.
Then when “she” starts coming back, the relief must have been enormous. And when everything went back to normal, it was up to your shamans and such to come up with an explanation as to what the fuck happened.
And would it happen again??
Compared to that, all in all, I would rather know what we know : that it’s just the shadow of the Earth falling on the Moon for a little while, and it will be cool, but it will pass.
But it’s still nice, on these occasions, to imagine what it would be like not to know.
Makes me all the more grateful that we do.
I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.