Some of these ideas are not fully formed yet, so, be warned, this might be slightly more incoherent than usual.

Anyhow. I have been pondering the id and its function and how Western traditional philosophy, being invented by a bunch of wimpy philosophers with big brains, tends to act like the id is optional and all the cool kids are getting rid of them because thye can be so unreasonable and ugly and stuff.

And that kind of relates directly to my mess. Not that I am blaming Western “rationalism” for my problems. I am just saying that my problems are in line with them.

After all, I’m a wimpy philosopher with a big brain too.

So to rephrase things in more personal terms, my problem is that I have vastly overdeveloped that big brain of mine (ego) and let that massive truth machine of mine also become a harsh,. unforgiving, and corrupt judge ruling over my life (superego) while my id, which is the base of everything else and very very very NOT optional, has been repeatedly beaten down, humiliated. and shoved into a cage of reason.

So that’s why I called this entry The Cage Of Reason. I’d forgotten.

And the hot take on that is that I have only recently consciously realized that I had this problem and it really bothers me. It’s so very obviously unsustainable and insane and yet there it is, sitting in my brain. causing problems.

In a very deep and very weird way, it hurts my pride.

This dovetails neatly with my recent observations about how hard it is to face my anger. Anger is very much an id thing and I have suppressed so much of it that it’s like this massive iceberg with only a tiny bit that shows above the water that I have learned to totally ignore because come on, how big a problem can it be? It’s just this tiny hunk of ice floating on the water!

If you only count the part you can see.

What a load of crap!

This is the complex theater of the conscious mind. It’s like our consciousness is the stage and our subconscious mind is all the behind the scenes jobs. The subconscious stage manages (ha) things in order to get the result it wants and it does so by only showing on stage what it knows will get said result.

Thus my ability to smugly believe that I am this paragon of reason and restraint with an all-powerful spotlight that reveals all while in reality. I am the most deluded fool of all,. namely the fool who thinks himself wise.

Picture a donkey wearing a graduation cap and a crown. King Jackass himself.

And the whole system is based on my willingness to believe that what I see on stage is all their is. To pretend that the stage is reality and sanity and everything outside of it is either unreal or unimportant and therefore it is safe – smart even – to totally ignore it and pretend like it ain’t there.

What a double load of crap!

And that REALLY hurts the pride. Because I am not that kind of person. I pride myself in being the kind of person who tackles unpleasant truths head on and deals with them rather than burying my head in the sand and pretending everything is OK.

Or at least, that’s the sort of person I thought I was. I suppose that was part of the subconscious shit show too.

After all. what better way to get away with fooling a very smart person than by convincing them that they are so smart that they don’t even have to bother looking into what is going on behind the scenes because they already know?

And if I am the sort of levelheaded, realistic, pragmatic person that doesn’t ignore truths merely because they are painful, then I can’t possibly be hiding unpleasant truths from myself and there is no need to even check if that is true.

It’s a high efficiency bullshit system. I will give it that.

Well deep down I am still a fundamental pragmatist, and that means that now that I have discovered all this bullshit, it simply has to go.

The jig is up, ego and superego. And I am heading backstage with a flashlight and a bad attitude, so watch the fuck out.

And somehow…. somehow… I am going to uncage my poor ol beaten down id. It’s not going to be easy because all my most powerful and often used tools are unsuited for the task. This is not the sort of thing I can solve via a massive application of analytical muscle, like I do with most things.

No, this involves a very deep, profound, and delicate change of permissions. Somehow, I need to take away the unlimited access the evil duo of my ego and superego have had to more or less do whatever the fuck they want to me, regardless of consequences, and give my id permission to overrule them when the emotional stakes are high.

Or when I just need a fucking break, for that matter.

And that is going to take more than this endless process of self-analysis. Sure, said process has helped me a lot over the years. Writing down my problems like I am doing right now goes a long way towards being able to handle them.

But it only goes so far. Past a certain point, I am going to have to stop reeling out my own guts on this blog and actually go out into the world and do things.

Good things. Warm things. Wholesome things. Things that make me feel happy and alive and hopeful. Things that will bring the sort of emotional inputs I need.

Because I sure as fuck can’t generate them for myself. Not yet, anyhow.

But I have faith that one day. I will be free.

I will talk to you nice people again tomorrow.